Thursday, March 29, 2007


U.S. Military Command? Not Very Commendable

via The Swamp

“It makes no sense for politicians in Washington DC to be dictating arbitrary timelines for military commanders in a war zone 6,000 miles away."
-- George Bush, recently to some Texas cattlemen disgruntled over not getting their fair share of this year's budget pork.

But it does make sense, Mr. Master-and-Commander President Bush, for politicians in Washington DC to be pressuring your hand from less than six miles, right in DC itself, to help you steer a different course so that sub-commanders under you may know when and how to adjust. That is, unless those generals and commanders are the ones with the helm in hand -- sans you, Sir.

Either way, Americans have been ill-served by the more 'elite' commanders that play the toady for you, Master George. Never mind four years of total waste and squandered momentum, if it ever was present at all. The way your top military leadership have behaved during one or another of the various scandals -- as Pat Tillman's, and families of the Walter Reid fiasco attest to -- has been cowardly childish, irresponsible and completely dishonorable.

Has honor been erased from West Point credes? Can our current crop of West Point big-brassers be labelled as 'Neo-South Park Generals'? Has West Point gone totally south and in need of a good flushin' out down ol' Potomac's way?

We have the means. It's time for the civilians to take over.

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Monday, March 26, 2007


'Speaking in Tongues': A Near Brain-Death Experience

Scientific inquiry is just starting to peek at what most enlightened observers have long seen in charismatic Christian sectists that perform the 'gifted' art of glossolalia, or 'speaking in tongues', in that these peculiar practitioners of palatine pummeling retard their level of brain function by burbling this babble, or glossolalia, during their communes with The Great Orator.

As ABC's Nightline recently reported, a team of University of Pennsylvania scientists with too much time on their watch have provided, through CAT-like vision, our first proof that the frontal lobes responsible for a glossolalist's past capacity to reason turns to gloppolioleo -- a new neurobiological phenomenon of regression that morphs highly differentiated neurons in higher level cerebral mechanisms toward basally-recessive, brain-stemmy globuloids that integrate input only for purposes of mass hysteria.

Sort of telencephaly turned paleocephalicy. Atavism, if you will.

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Monday, March 19, 2007


'Spa Spar-300' to Feature Line of Masculine Makeup

Spinning off of the success of 300, and a sure move toward a more masculine society, Spa Spar-300 is proud to announce the unveiling of its new line of masculine makeup that uses camouflaged earth tones as its foundation so that its appeal will sure to grab the attention of 'females' like Ann Coulter.

(Of course, the chicken-hawker, flabbily machismotic, 24-watchin' male movie-goer -- like Michael Savage -- is where the appeal lies for this type of product. Kind of a conservative militia man's makeover, if you will.)



Cirque de Critique, Act XI: The Bombing of Bush's Baghdaddy of a Blitzkrieg Edition

All that I can say after four years of widening Middle East carnage and misery is that I'm one-hundred percent shocked and awed by our president's ability for stability in Baghdad and beyond. Thank you, Mr. President Bush. And thanks for your honesty in all matters with and before the American people.

Anyone for "4 More Years!"? How about: "Kiss my ex-Republican ass, Georgie, you smarmy SOB sack-o-shit!"

Strong language and action to follow.

Lights. Ballast. Action! Welcome to another edition of Cirque de Critique.

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - cirque de critique

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes or rings, if you will: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.


Briefly emerging from her closet of shyness is TherapyDoc who presents Popularity posted at Everyone needs therapy? Lessons from a family therapist, saying, "What do I do about this burning desire to ignore the person on my right, or worse yet, roast the one to my left? Why or why did my parents do this to me, make me feel guilty for NOT being nice. What were they thinking?"

Dear TherapyDoc: Will I start harboring latent pangs of guilt over now not being popular with President Bush? Please help.

Due to future out-of-control spirals of oil prices, Cir de Cri's 'All-for-Free' category has been substituted by just plain nothingness for this edition.


Speaking of closeted and coming out, and proving that Ann Coulter has become the new C-PAC Shakur, Cir de Cri fans will go away from our next entry getting a good grasp of 'gay grammar' when Zimzo gives a heads up so you can C-PAC your ass off in Resolved: It's ok to call John Edwards a faggot posted at novatownhall blog, saying, "As interesting for the comments as the post itself (if not moreso)."

Okay, I get the whole C-PAC/Coulter argument that 'faggot' is just some sort of playground rhetorical device. In that case, blow it out your hole you bunch of C-pocked faggots!

So much for statesmanship.

Folks, that's all. And thanks to all for participating.

Blog Carnival archive - cirque de critique

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Sunday, March 18, 2007


'Bongs for Christ' Unites Enemy Wings

A paring of odds, from nanomic to the mere micromic, of coming to agreement on any point of law was recently hacked out by the left-winged ACLU and right-winged ACLJ over a First Amendment clash with the Bush administration regarding whether a student has the right to display religiously-themed banners such as "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" in the background of sporting events to attract attention of sportscasting directors. (John 3:16 and a bad hair day gets you ringside seats, however.)

From this strange union of alphabetically-close-but-oh-so-distant jurists' rackets has arisen a new hybrid organization called the ACLI, or American Civil Liberties Incorcorated, a para-for-profit entity regulated under the Uniform Tax Code and allowed under Section 503(c)-M, a sub-clause recently pasted into the books via Karl Rove's secret signing statement.

Due to the extreme nature of research that went into the entry above, Cirque de Critique Blog Carnival, which was supposed to be posted here today, is postponed until tomorrow.

Friday, March 16, 2007


Sour Jocks, Round 8: Your Face and My Hockey Stick Edition

Where does goony New York Islander Chris Simon get off claiming he's a 'professional' hockey player? Any true player worth his hip pads would easily point to Simon as a phony if only by Simon's atrocious stick handling.

Being a pro means sticking your shot with precision once the decision's made to take it. Simon? Simon missed badly, slightly wounding the Crosstown Rangers' Ryan Hollweg with a weak chin shot instead of one strong -- right in the temple or either orbital to finish off Hollweg as intended.

Hey, Simon. It's back to the frozen catfish farm pond for you, Skater.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Welcome to another round of Sour Jocks.

Sour Jocks Sports Carnival takes your posts on miscreantic millionaires, steroid-induced wife-beating hulks, fathers punching out Little League umpires -- and the like. To enter your posts in future editions of Sour Jocks, do so right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - sour jocks

Sour Jocks is looking for hosts, too. To become one, wake up The Hippo and contact him right here where he'll set you up for you to knock 'em down!

Sour Jocks has three categories for your submissions: Sandlot, amateur and professional. Since our first entrant didn't declare his abilities in the recruiting tape sent to our GM, Sour Jocks automatically ships him to -->


Styling baseball as "the liberal hippie sport of choice", gunslinger Wyatt Earp presents Tell Me Again How Baseball Isn't Corrupt? posted at Support Your Local Gunfighter, saying, "It's snarky, but I think it's appropriate."

Sheriff, it may be appropriate. But is it okay to corral these same pot-smoking hippies in with baseball-loving George Bush.



David Culpepper presents Pete Rose Bet on Reds Every Night posted at

Wow! We first get arguments about Pete Rose from Sheriff Earp of above. Now Culpepper. Is Dante's Inferno as is today's professional baseball as our entrants claim? For answers, stay tuned to Sour Jocks as the season heats up this summer.

Folks, that's all. Thanks for your participation.

Blog Carnival archive - sour jocks

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Thursday, March 15, 2007


Pace Cracks Under Phelps' Pressure

In a mildly suprising compromise between parties, Gen. Peter Pace, Chiefest of Staff, has agreed -- in a secret, don't-ask-don't-tell signing statement of sectarian significance -- to allow the inbred, cretin offspring of Rev. Fred Phelps -- of Bloody Kansas, of course -- to immediately enroll into the first available OCS, of any service, in order to meet urgent goals of recruitment.


Wednesday, March 14, 2007


Abe's Paean to Pi: Finding Pi's 'Nth' Decimal via Newton

Welcome all to Abe Linkum's salute to today's honoree, the transcendental constant Pi. Most people don't know that every March 14th is devoted to Pi since 3.14 is a rough estimate of its value. It's Pi Day!

Some people know that the number of non-repeating decimals in Pi is infinite and that many geeks try to out match each other this time of year by either attempting to recite sequentially the most decimals of Pi, or try to become the one person with the supercomputing access needed to set the record for the longest string of computed decimals -- currently set at a little over one-trillion.

Abe has done a little investigation of Pi and has concluded that one could employ Newton's Method for estimating roots of equations, such as y = sin x, to calculate the nth decimal of Pi. And by using this simple technique, huge additional quantites (exponential?) of Pi's decimals will spew out of your computational apparatus, be it a Cray supercomputer or a Crayola crayon, with each successive estimation.

Abe has drawn a rough graph of y = sin x along with three iterations of Newton's Method, demonstrating that each successive iteration comes nearer to the root of y = sin x. (X1, X2 and X3, respectively.)

The equation for Newton's Method: xn+1 = xn - f(xn)/f'(xn), also serves as a handy algorithm for you, the calculator.

And that, since the curvature of the graph y = sin x in nearly nil as it approaches its root, Pi, the amount of decimals added by, say, the estmation Xn-1 versus Xn-2 will be astronomical!

Enjoy, all ye Geekazoids. Happy calculating! Don't forget to include Ole Abe when you go to accept your Fields Medal.

Next time in scence news at Abe Linkum: Abe explains the accelerating universe!

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Monday, March 12, 2007


Cadets Cede Council to 'Coup for Christ' Crusaders

In a bold move by a minority group of West Point cadets eager to kiss ass of those they wish to step on while trying to climb higher to kiss at least one more -- and what was characterized as another example toward privatization of the military, with the expected blurring of public, pulpit, political and private monies as is found in most other faith-based initiatives the Bush administration promised would deliver the goods -- the West Point Chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ, an organization whose group picture dominates the extracurricular section of this year's yearbook, has taken over West Point's student council in a convert operation that commenced with the words "Code Bled".

They supposedly took their commission for this successful infiltration from somewhere within the pentacostic halls of the Pentagon. The action was trumpeted by Bush military-industrial mouthpiece and another example of public, private and pulpit funds, Salem Radio/, in that:

1. Public. The military provides a lot of ad revenue for Salem Radio, and Salem has to be the biggest shill for the latest weapons systems like our misdirected anti-missile system that has at best a weak performance record with results similar to the old analog days of system modelling via pen-and-ink tracings.

Ker-Pow! Blast that Bogey!

2. Private. Isn't Salem Radio Network a publicly-traded corporation that hawks its shares to individuals or groups looking to build private equity, such as tax-exempt organizations like megachurch phonies and other right-winged nuthouses that pump up the insanity.

3. Pulpit. All ye good men employed by the church -- turn your wages and tax-advantaged pension plans into shares of Salem Radio stock. Just a little sound financial advice from above if you don't want to be viewed as an unpatriotic traitor going to hell.

Sorry for getting half-tracked. The point is that we need to defiltrate these privatization movements cohabiting within our most vital public services since they've proven completely ineffective, no matter how much the underlings have prayed for their success.

Speaking of Christomatic government, did anybody see where the military is willing to pay a $2,000 per head bounty to veterans for recruiting of another's signature, and life, to the military's dotted line. Now that's moral, especially for a force that does Bush and Cheney's oil buddies' bloody business.

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Friday, March 09, 2007


Rove Strikes New "Legacy Template" for Bush Two-bit Token


To commemorate the attempted inflation of George Bush's legacy along with the diminished value of American 'currency' -- in all aspects, around and through the world -- Karl Rove, through a secret signing statement, has contracted a private Ohio coin dealer to take over portions of U.S. minting operations so that a special two-bit, "precious alloy token" can be circulated within limited spheres of vanishing legates now residing somewhere in a backwater around the North and South Carolinian border. Confeds in arms forever.

Upon this trial run of what some numismatically-keen political experts perceive as the same highly corrosive run of limited denomination coinage typically pressed by The White House, it was suggested by Rove that "In God We Trust" be double-struck circumferentially on the tokens' edges to make certain to the remaining faithful that a clear vision to Bush's future is in the offering.

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Thursday, March 08, 2007


National Concern Over Cheney's Constipation

Suffering a similar stasis as the bog of Baghdad he helped create, and proudly exhibiting what has at all times been the stomach for more war, Vice President Dick Cheney's non-Walter Reed physicians have thoroughly screened the sixty-six year-old lumpkin and gave a diagnosis of chronic constipation due to increased D.C. and Afghani bunkerage -- plus long, numerous transatlantic crossings to kiss emirate ass in vain efforts to soften up their own gilded stools. An ancillary complication stemming from his peculiar 'activities' has been DVT, or deep vein thrombosis, not the DT's as may be expected.

Cheney's newest maladies have those bunkered closest to him, and a few other dead-ending loiterers, asking what will be the global impact from Cheney's impaction -- and who's to mop up the mess afterwards?

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007


Hillary's Double-wide: A Hootin' Nanny's Dream Statehouse

Look for Hillary Clinton's new double-wide to drop in on top of a hill somewhere around Mobile, not by an Alabaman tornado but by the depressed, single-wide rental voters who like The Hootin' Nanny when she drawly states that y'all 'll be good-n-plenty by votin' fer her.

Mmm, mmm! Y'all thought I's a gonna write 'bout some britches to her pantysuits.

Regardless, let's all join in a good refrain of one of R.H. Bishop's finest to place the welcome mat for Hillary's campaign:


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Monday, March 05, 2007


Cirque de Critique, Act X: The 'Troupe of Two' Edition

Can a troupe of two overtake an army of one? It's possible by looking at the state of affairs our toady, star-peduncled military brass have left to those interned.

The American people are now held hostage by the costs associated with the military's expeditions and the shoddy mop-up operations by our so-called private contractors. Add this in with the GAO's siren warning of future economic hardship for most because of shoddy actuarial assumptions and spines resting on backs of velvet congressional thrones, and we will all soon be needing to serve in the National Guard for at least seventy-six quarters and doing so actively at attainment of age eighty-two in order to qualify, not for monthly Social Security retirement benefits, but the shoddy two-hundred-odd dollar death payout.

Lights. Ballast. Action! Welcome to another edition of Cirque de Critique.

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - cirque de critique

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes or rings, if you will: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All. Our troupe of two has forgot about anything being all-for-free.


Avant News presents California Scientists Map God Genome posted at Avant News.

God Genome Update! Basic research proves vital once again when same scientists discover that ninety percent of God's genes are redundantly similar to Drosophila!


Both Will Chen and Jessica Okon have chosen to present to Cir de Cri fans At What Price? Bounty From the Belly of the Big Box Beast posted at Wisebread.

Maybe Cir de Cri's ringmaster can also serve as ringbearer at Will and Jessica's upcoming matrimonial.

Folks, that's all. And thanks to all for your participation.

Blog Carnival archive - cirque de critique

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Sunday, March 04, 2007


Halliburton Scrubbed as Walter Reed Operations Chief

Due to a regaining of the majority by those opposed to our malkinetic, paraguerric President -- allowing citizens a long-waited-for, somewhat clearer overview of the inherent grossness and arrogant ineptitude of The Shrubber and his general Republicans led by the nose -- Halliburton will no longer be considered the front-runner by the GOP to take over operations privately at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, finally breaking tradition of providing the most of the crappiest.

... and the move goes far in alleviating the present 'staphing' problem. That's right, kick the scum out!

(I started this as a spoof. Maybe I'll start writing non-fiction.)

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Thursday, March 01, 2007


Sour Jocks, Round 7: Evander Holyfinone Brand Steroid Edition

Anibolitol, Shot-and-Discinate, Pugilistinone, Balconol, Bicyclic Acid, Sprintinol. And now, Evander-Holyfinone.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Welcome to another round of Sour Jocks.

Sour Jocks Sports Carnival takes your posts on miscreantic millionaires, steroid-induced wife-beaters, fathers punching out Little League umpires -- and the like. To enter your posts in future editions of Sour Jocks, do so right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - sour jocks

Sour Jocks is looking for hosts, too. To become one, wake up The Hippo and contact him right here where he'll set you up for you to knock 'em down!

Sour Jocks has three categories for your submissions: Sandlot, amateur and professional.


Seeing that no one wants to take a swing in our sandlot league -- or amateur one, for that matter -- Abe Linkum lays down a quick bunt about a smooth hitter close to home in Akron Okay with Student/Coach Underage Sex!


Carlos Figueroa
presents 23! posted at Kick Ass Offense.

If that isn't ever "'23 Skidoo!", then I don't know what qualifies.

A real fan favorite here at Abe Linkum because he has provided about the only degree of legitimacy to this blog, Jon Swift presents Tim Hardaway Makes Homophobia Look Bad posted at Jon Swift, saying, "I don't want to hear what athletes think of the War in Iraq, global warming, nuclear proliferation or gay rights. To tell you the truth, I don't even want to hear what they have to say about sports, either, but sportscasters insist on interviewing them."

Jon, I know there's a "Penny" Hardaway from the NBA. Maybe Tim is really "Puny" Hardaway which could give him a complex rare among men with similar racial makeup as his.

Ted Reimers presents Gonzaga Drug Problems posted at CampusGrotto, saying, "A basketball town with a drug problem? or a Drug town with a basketball problem? Top College Basketball star ruins career because of drugs."

Mr. Reimers, are they still licking hallucinogen-secreting toads in your neck of Washington's woods?

Folks, that's all. Thanks for your participation.

Blog Carnival archive - sour jocks

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Wednesday, February 28, 2007


Cheney Bombing Update: Dick to Receive Medal of Honor

Apparently reporting from inside an abatis abutting Dick Cheney's bunker, Political Cortex gives a stirring account of yet another typical Walterian send-off by the Bushies so Dick Cheney can retire with full, unearned regalia -- just like the the ones all of those co-dependents had with J. Paul's bash and Rummy's final romp around Arlington National Cemetery.

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Take a Fantasy 'Cheney Recon Weekend'!

Abe Linkum cordially invites the remaining twenty-seven percent of Americans still lapping up the Middle Eastern course dished out by BushCo without finishing off the entire stock of bromides to retrace Dick Cheney's recent historic steps through Pak-Afghanistan by taking an exciting, Fantasy Talibani Recon Weekend!

It's here where you'll finally, after all of that pent up deferment, experience the thrills of actual military reconnaissance after we first provide you with an excellent breakfast and then as a high-level target to crazed tribesmen by air-dropping you into the Khyber Pass in a T-shirt that says Moo-ham-ed Can Go Eat Qud!. Our technique allows you to one-up the VeePee since you'll flush out Talibani faster than Dick would a Texas lawyer in the wilds of Wyoming.

Do your duty and sign up today!

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Akron Okay with Student/Coach Underage Sex!

via The Akron Beacon-Journal

Hey Coach, throw me those balls!

After allegedly admitting to proclivities for underaged female tight-ends, Akron Buchtel High School football coach, Claude Brown, will now serve administrative leave -- paid, no doubt -- where he can continue with recruitment efforts.

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Thursday, February 22, 2007


Bush's Importance on Being Delusional

via The Plain Dealer

How increasingly isolated our president must be to exhibit the recent spate of delusional behaviors eminating from his high seat somewhere in a bunker built lower than the one just built to house his stool. George the Grand, giving the U.S. grand mal siezures by his processes and deliverences since 2001.

Rudy Giuliani must have really set off Bush's penchant for princely permutations when he compared the President to Honest Abe, the Rail Splitter. First of all, clearin' Texas tumbleweeds ain't splittin' rails in In-dee-an-ee -- or Kentucky or Illinois, for that matter.

Heck, some Lincoln cabinet members even referred to Abe as "the original ape". Maybe we need to think of Bush as 'the original chimp'.

Then came the delusion to 'the original George W.' -- you know, the cherry-pickin' W now long deceased with a D.C. after his name -- in some sort of weird, reducted Washington whitewash.

Now comes the delusive character Bush's newest, messaged machination that Britain's troop pull-out is a sure sign of his policy's success in Iraq. What, now Pyrrhus?

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Cafaro "Not Comfortable" with "Specifics" of Ohio School Funding


Demonstrating that she's on top of the big problems facing Ohio with the fresh, young perspective expected after her highly anticipated, bought-and-paid-for senatorial debut, State Senator Capri Cafaro said she's "not comfortable" discussing specifics on the matter of school funding but offered a suggestion to curtail Medicaid funding, some no doubt to Trumbull County senior citizens who were previously under Cafaro's advisement, to help defray the cost of babysitting Ohio's schoolkids.

In the same press release, Sen. Cafaro did seem to be more in her element when she expressed an aptitude for handling Trumbell and Ashtabula County septic system issues. Be assured that Abe Linkum will keep all informed as to how it all comes out.

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Sunday, February 18, 2007


Cirque de Critique, Act IX: A Presidents Day Pile-up

Americans are making this Presidents Day a real gas. Pennsylvania's pikes were left a parking lot after snowy smash-ups. Per course, the Daytona 500 Auto Jam ends up in another, with an unusual fiery flip-side for one lucky racer who was left to finish not right-side-up. Then there's the pile-up of aircraft carrier groups in the Persian Gulf for security purposes -- oil's and gas', that is.

Lights. Ballast. Action! Welcome to another edition of Cirque de Critique.

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - cirque de critique

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes or rings, if you will: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.


Aching for a big American, corporately low-densitized lipoid burger is Britain's own Bill Chapman. Mr. Chapman likes 'em fatty and fast at Leopards and Spots and Cardiothoracic Surgery posted at Tales of the Masked Avenger.

With all of that lard clogging things up, Mr. Chapman's salad days may soon be over.

LolaLondon presents 12. A Rose by Any Other Name posted at L'undone, saying, "Here is a tale of high-weirdness, big love, cyber-crime and the mutual insane obsession of two people that never even met. This blog is the true story of how it happened."

Chapter 13: Thorny Situation Occurs When Meeting Never Happens, Again!


In true, vaunted, free-for-all fashion, we find that feminist Texan panties are getting "all in a twist" about mandated government intrusion so massively profitable pharmaceutical giants can become more so when Jamila Akil presents Texas Gov. Perry Issues Executive Order Forcing 6th Grade Girls To Receive HPV Vaccinations posted at Jamila Akil, saying, "The opinion of one feminist who disagrees with many other feminists about mandating vaccination with Gardasil."

Folks, that's all and thanks to all.

Blog Carnival archive - cirque de critique

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Thursday, February 15, 2007


Last Bush Neuron Saved by Stem Cell Funds!

In a frantic effort to save the last withering neuron last seen floating somewhere in a cavity where the Commander-in-Chief's pons used to reside, Karl Rove, given the legal go-ahead by Generalisimo Gonzalez through a flimsy signing statement fully endorsed by dead-ending supporters, established a top secret Pentagon account -- hidden, always hidden from his social conservative base -- to fund emergency embryonic stem cell research focused to attain the specific therapeutic benefits for Bush's neuron.

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007


Giuliani Channels Old Abe in Visions of Bush

Operating in a universe unknown -- possibly parallel but at the same time far, far away -- Rudy Giuliani, in a bid to court GOP conservatives to his chiefly cause by demonstrating delusional thoughts similar to those attending Sunday charismatic services as well as in Pat Robertson's daily TV Jesus briefing, compared Bush's Iraq Wars vision and predicament to those faced by Abraham Lincoln during America's Civil War. His delusions occured at New Hamphire's last standing GOP meeting hall.

A little scrutiny and honor's in order when one so easily throws Honest Abe's hat in with George Bush's. Let's detail the similarities or parallels, if you will, between the two great commanders and uniters:

One was integral in the formation of the GOP with the other presiding over its destruction.

One led troops in The Blackhawk War, the other in Blackhawk Down.

One is so incredibly removed from the people, bunkered down below in the bowels of D.C. with the vice-commander, telling those who disagree with him to go eff themselves while trying to brew the right bromide to keep America's stomach from vomiting in projectile fashion when they view Iraq's carcass and Iran's soon-to-be blood-stained carpets.. The other kept an open office to all citizens, both humble and powerful alike, and frequently stated his deepest desire to continue this practice to those near that tried to persuade him otherwise.

One waged war once attacked. The other continues to decide to be the attacker for the sake of waging war.

One came from legendary humble beginnings and was completely self-made. From an early age he was given increasing responsibilities to reward his trustworthiness and fair dealings. The other's daddy was the CIA's director, then President and easily placed his son in various positions of power -- where the son failed in all such placements and responsibilities.

Then there's that "Honest" moniker to contend with.

There is one, true similarity between the two Presidents that Giuliani should have shed light on in order for his analogy to fit at all: Both Presidents had miserable, unpopular drunks for Veeps.

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Friday, February 09, 2007


Bush Recieves Key to Baghdad After Hatchet "Benchmarks" Job

After hacking away at too much of everything -- lives, treasures, time, strategic advantage, good-will, etc. -- George Bush has finally reached his first benchmark in the war on terrorism. He can now claim that the Green Zone is secure. Huzzah!

Because of this long-awaited achievement, the City of Baghdad will present to George a backdoor key to Sadr City! This will fit nicely into the lock to the small closet he and his advisers huddle in to make sure his legacy leaves as a 'victory war President'.

A very nice pay-off, indeed.

And now the American citizenry has been invited to gaze once again on George Bush's Iraqi handiwork, straight from the elbow of the master. This shop class flunky has finally notched a set of way uberdue, ill-defined and unrealistic "benchmarks" that Iraqis will supposedly follow to curry military favors of The Pentagon for militia-of-the-week payouts to pals.

All of this just to form a last chance of any consensus out a dwindled and played out base -- as well as an ass extricating measure.

(On a side note, Bob Gates says that "...we are not planning for a war with Iran." Those college deans can lie with the best of 'em.)

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007


Cafaro Stars in "Lady of the Knights of Lordstown Big Labor"!

Beep, beep. I'm in a rush to buy tickets to newly minted and appointed, State Sen. Capri "Cappi" Cafaro's production of auto industry state giveaways. Her rookie stage act looks to further clean out the hemorrhagic American auto industry of any remaining competitiveness, at least in her district, by asking that the state look the other way as GM reneges on a $36.6 million credit commitment to Ohio's lawyer-beleaguered Bureau of Workers Compostation.

The theory behind the giveaway seems that Ohio's forgiveness of GM's obligation to back self-insured injury claims would go far to help Ohioans forget that future claims aren't the real reason for GM's slide, and that fiscal throw-aways to irresponsible auto corporations apparently provides the desired placebo effect for Ohio's auto workers as thoughts of Lordstown plant closure race and pain from real injuries ache -- just like in Lorain. Go ahead, rub it in.

This should not surpise any one. In the past couple of years -- and as Cappi was traipsing about Ohio in search of a temporary home to lay her carpeted bags a spell, finally landing with a thud somewhere in Lorain County with a smashing defeat at the hands of her Democratic primary opponent, Betty Sutton -- Ohioans were treated to a number of peculiar, half-hour political adse starring Cappi and some bad actors from Lorain and Youngstown that were obviously paid minimum union wages. The ad was for 'the future of families' or some other such nonsense and was all very cheesy with a queue of 'townsmen' with satiny, Local 5842 jackets at the mike to fire pre-programmed queries at Cappi to start her renditions of pre-programmed responses.

It was all very bad and surely led to her appointment to Ohio's state senate. It also seemingly makes Cappi a great candidate for the US Senate since, as the current Ohio Democratic propaganda states, Cappi's not influenced by laborious interest groups due to her heiriness. She's a rich, young, up-n-comer who can't be bought!

She has made it. For me, I'm going across county lines to the mattress sale at her daddy's Youngstown mall since there's a big surplus from nobody buyin'. No jobs.

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Will Hillary Hold Up Hugo's Citgo Stations?

Even though oil profits are insanely grotesque but still within palatability for sake of our insatiaty, and that Hillary Clinton yearns to nationalize American oil companies in the visage of her fellow socialitic, Boss Hugo Chavez, while never minding just for old times -- will she have the mangos to also sieze Chavez' Citgo profits stolen everyday at American gas pumps, many in inner-city areas, at rates equaling or exceeding Exxon's, to feed Baby Hugo's budding Megalo-MiniMart of Marxian proportions? Or hers?

Maybe Venezuela will be treated as an offshore tax loophole.

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007


Arrests to Increase in Need to Fill DEA DNA Pledge Drive!

...and prison populations look to increase to fill a desire for cheap corporate, prison slave labor in an effort to compete economically with the Chinese!


Monday, February 05, 2007


Military Brass Finally Tells Truth Around Four Things!

Those things? Choppers. Materiel.

From Pat Tillman til Iraq's recent roto-routers, The Pentagon can't tell a straight story. Why do our vaunted brass act today so cowardly? Can't they stand up like men and take consequences or heat? Maybe it's that they've been operating from too long of range for too long of time and that all taken Bush's oath of fealty.

This latest admission by the military that insurgents in fact can shoot down our helicopters is a rarity of candor issueing within The Pentagon and deals mainly with materiel and micro-tactics. Knowing this administration and its over all lackeyness, it'll be its last.

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Sunday, February 04, 2007


Cirque de Critique, Act. VIII: Super Battleship Bowl Edition

George Bush's leading the three-ringed, bracket-buster Battleship tournament happening early in this edition of Cirque de Critique and in the Persian Gulf! A strategic error concerning placement of his PT boat behind the cruiser in the second round might spell disaster for not only the good Bush name, but for those named American.

Lights. Ballast. Action!

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - cirque de critique

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes and/or rings: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All. This edition's focus is on the free-for-all and a bit on the family.


Because Bush's blab schooling didn't turn out as did Old Abe's, Avant News reports that the 110th Congress Passes No President Left Behind Act posted at Avant News. Thanks for the update, Ion.

Cir de Cri's house counselor, Linda Freedman, reminds us not to get caught in a paradoxic box since that could lead to hazards to one's mental health -- at least from the inside, not out at The Paradox posted at Everyone needs therapy? Lessons from a family therapist, saying, "For some people, a good therapeutic paradox zips over their heads. They miss the intervention and don't make any changes. (Imagine that.) Others, however, see the sublime simplicity and irresistibly, succombe."

Standing in for our fat, singing lady to end this edition as a kind of oleo out-caller, Craig Harper presents Politically Correct Crap. posted at Renovate your life with Craig, saying, "Recently I was giving one of my motivational talks and I used the expression, 'fat bloke'.

Following the presentation a woman approached me to let me know that I had offended her with my 'language'. When she told me that 'fat' was the offensive word, I nearly fell down.

I said: "1. he was a bloke and 2. he was fat....what's offensive?"

Then she really hated me."

Mr. Harper adds that "I'm sick of people creating new labels for fat in order to make us feel better ...." Okay, then how about 'Glycerated Guy'. Maybe 'Lipidal Lad' or just 'Lipidnic' for short. Sorry, I'm just trying to move the discussion floorward.

Folks, that's all. Go Bears.

Blog Carnival archive - cirque de critique

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Thursday, February 01, 2007


Bush's "Sprint to Finish" Portends Hamstrung Capabilities

With two short years left in his enfeebled presidency, George Bush has decided that he will "sprint to the finish" in order to finish off what's left of U.S. treasures. No one knows what his "finish" will be. Is it another line out of his terrorist playbook? Or, could it possibly be some secret, hidden tape of him and Condi sneaking a quickie in his underground bunker?

Some things are certain as Bush attempts to kick it up a notch. For one, our constitution will be assaulted further as he tries to grab more wartime, dictatorial powers ginned up by his actions in the Middle East. But this will probably lead to Bush's pulling up lame somewhere around the thirty-meter mark during his race to imperial glory. A big tumble should follow due to subsequent knee-jerking from crashing into too many hurdles. Then there's always the cinder rash from the burn part of crash-and-burn.

Please pass the Ben-Gay.

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Wednesday, January 31, 2007


Bush Impressed by Iraqi Call-up of A-10 Warthogs

After an initial rout of American-trained, multi-billion dollar-backed Iraqi forces by wholly insane, Najafian apocalyptics who shared a group vision of joining Pastor John Hagee's end-of-the-world crusade, President George Bush, an ironic devotee of Hagee's delphic Doomsday deliveries declared that, "The Iraqis are beginning to show me something" after Iraqi forces ran away to hide while calling in Warthog 30 mm Gatling guns to stifle the holy belligerents.

Overall, an impressive show of pressing through political ends by miltary means. Very impressive, Mr. Bush. Although, it must be hard to staff and train a competent Iraqi army when anyone worthwhile for your cause has either been killed or run out of the country.

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007


Iran to Backfill Bush's $1 Trillion Hole

Someone has to take over the responsibility for the soon-to-be one-trillion dollar Iraqi power vacuum created by George Bush's war machination. Iran looks to be the sweep since it's right next door and Bush has done such a fine job of calculation along with the depletion of our force capabilities.

What's George's brand, anyway? Is his vac an Oreck or a wreck? It's probably a wreck from all the inside mess created while playing war.

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Thursday, January 25, 2007


Cheney Grandkid Granted Deferment In Utero

The Fightin' Cheneys are again showing their mettle. In the bold, classic, go-eff-yourself manner that has so endeared the man to all touched, Dick Cheney, in order to keep the Cheney heritage true to its fighting form and as a shower present for his preggo-yet-gayo daughter, Mary, has decreed that his newly minted grandclod will have a blanket military deferment perpetually granted to it. And, that such deferments are automatically granddaddied into and for all successive Cheney generations through a double-secret signing statement by and of The President.

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Monday, January 22, 2007


Cirque de Critique, Act VII: Pre-POTUS/SOTU Headache Edition

While George Bush attempts to steal home, mind you from first, by vainly appealing to his dwindled base during his SOTU address, so too should you realize he's caught in a rundown and will be out soon. Huzzah.

And huzzah to: Lights. Ballast. Action!

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - cirque de critique

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. To be a ringmaster, contact The Hippo right here and ask to do so.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes and/or rings: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.


Some say a pinch of fiscal restraint in one's earlier years goes a long way later on -- just ask of Einstein's opinion of compounding interest. But Andrea Dickson thinks otherwise in Bourgeoisie Guilt: Can I Conquer My Vanity for the Sake of My Sanity? posted at Wise Bread. This story also gives testimony to the ancient maxim of opposites attracting, if for only the sake of the ability to stay within the current bourgeoiety.

Non-confrontist/perfectionist that I am, going overbread with the lox may be a bit too much before Happy Hour. But not so with Linda Freedman in That Bagel and Cream Cheese at Everyone needs therapy? Lessons from a family therapist, saying, "People who just have to tell you what to do, who have to criticize to the point of showing you what you're doing wrong when you make the sandwich of your dreams, simply have to be confronted. But in a nice way, an irrefutable way. TherapyDoc presents her version of confronting the criticizer."

Will Chen presents Bourgeoisie Guilt: Can I Conquer My Vanity for the Sake of My Sanity? posted at Wisebread, saying, "Andrea examines why she feels compelled to spend more than she can afford."

Who's Will Chen?


On science watch, Avant News pre-alerts the readership that Einstein's opinion on compounding interest may not be so swell now that God Loses Dice, as ever priesciently posted at Avant News.

I guess the pachyderms didn't want three rings after all along with them being for-all-free since they took out one in a rampage and have since been corraled as humanly possible. Hopefully by Act VIII all will be re-erected. Thanks for your patronage. Watch your step on the way out.

Blog Carnival archive - cirque de critique

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