Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Calculate the Growth Rate of George Bush's Eye-plank!
Question -- A telescoping plank that's currently 15 ft. high is buried in George Bush's eye at Ground Zero. It's supported by a 20 ft. brace that's being pushed at its base by the religious right toward Ground Zero at a rate of 30 ft/sec:
How fast is the plank growing when the religious right gets within 1 ft. of Bush's eye?
The first person who answers correctly receives an autographed picture of Abe Linkum via e-mail! Check in at Abe Linkum this Friday to view the key to this problem's exciting answer!
How fast is the plank growing when the religious right gets within 1 ft. of Bush's eye?The first person who answers correctly receives an autographed picture of Abe Linkum via e-mail! Check in at Abe Linkum this Friday to view the key to this problem's exciting answer!
Labels: Bush, religious right
Monday, October 30, 2006
Hollywood Halloween Embryonic Scarefest!
Just in time for Halloween -- Schwarzenegger and Spielberg have teamed to produce Pixar's new, animated sci-fi kids flic titled Arnold Throws a Party for Embryonic Stem Cells in Wonderland! -- where embryonic stem cells fail to cure Ann Coulter's atmocephalosis but morph into a new, super-cellular race dubbed the Uberblasts Uber Allantoics.The Ubers then set out to dominate the world by luring humanity with radio-isotopic markers that dangle and wiggle from Uber foreheads. Once mesmerized, the humans are forced to perform menial tasks like filing class-action lawsuits on behalf of lipids claiming underrepresentation in The Diet of Atkins!
The critics agree:
"It's insane! It's just the type of drama that will last through generations of Halloween teen moviegoers, especially at today's birthrate!", raves Roadshepherd at The Daily Surveyor where they get the flock there.
"My Three Thumbs Up!" -- Ernie MacMurray, ex-Editor of E-News Mutant Journals
Labels: Halloween, stem cells
Failure of Embryonic Stem Cell Research Leads to New Hope for America's Public School Kids!
Washington, D. C. -Following the latest government sponsored lab debacle involving cloned embryonic stem cells -- where subject cells turned not into therapies for Bill O'Reilly's spondylo-hypoplasia but became three-eyed blind mice -- the FDA will eliminate all testing of embryonic stem cells for pharmaceutical purposes and proudly announces a new, subsidized class of stem cell nutriceuticals designed specifically for public in-school meal programs. An offshoot parochial initiative titled There's No Soul Food Like Cell Soul Food will coordinate with governmental faith-based agencies.
"All along, we thought embryonic stem cells may have had a special niche as they now present themselves", stated Dr. H. Braun Schweiger, FDA Assistant Adjutant to the NEA. "Once that we were able to create the right consistency, we found Cel-Gel to be quite versatile with my favorite conformity being the embryonic roll-ups. The scrapple isn't bad, either. And a big nod must go to our buttery pate product that spreads so smoothly on all institutional breads!"
According to the FDA, greater emphasis will also be placed on the future nutritional requirements of baby boomers as they increasingly become senescent. Says Schweiger, "...we're looking to have an incremental, multi-generational rollout for Cel-Gel that includes the boomers. We've recently signed Charlton Heston to help with promotion in our long-term care centers. We think Chuck will imbue a certain aura on our rollout, a reverse Soylent Green mysticism if you will. Or, that weird 'manna' thing he did in the desert. In the end, this will gain the government more acceptance of our institutionally driven offerings."
Labels: nutriceuticals, stem cells
Jon Swift: Rush Limbaugh Takes on the Wheelchair Lobby
Jon Swift is at it again -- this time titrating the correct dosage for Michael J. Fox to swallow before the embryonic shake-out happens on Nov. 7th. Take Jon's advice and kick a cripple today at: Jon Swift: Rush Limbaugh Takes on the Wheelchair Lobbby
Labels: media, Michael J. Fox, Rush Limbaugh
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Cirque de Critique - Act I
Lights. Ballast. Action! The curtain rises on another act of Cirque de Critique. Cir de Cri is the big tent that takes all sides as long as those taken take-on others that try to take them!You can enter your posts in future editions of Cir de Cri or request to be a host and really get linked up by clicking right here -
So, enough of the barker bit. First, The Hippo, who was suppose to host Act I, was shot by a poacher last week and is slow to recuperate. Sincere appreciations must go to Robert Mugabe for The Hippo's downfall.
Cir de Cri has three classifications for posts -- one for each ring:
All-for-Free
It looks like a real donniebrook is forming over the River Ribble. The questions facing Ribblers is one of high and low tide -- plus the impact of man's recreational needs versus survival needs of other species in the watershed. So, belly up at the pub with Riversider who presents Riverworks - Pub Debate Primer posted at Save The Ribble!, saying, "The 'Save The Ribble' campaign have put together this 'pub debate primer' to arm pro-river Ribble activists with well-informed ripostes to every anti-river argument - we can venture into any pub in Lancashire, ready to answer the acolytes of the Riverworks 'Cult of Concrete'." Abe wishes to share a few pints with Riversider.There may be some argument with Abe over our next entrant's post that discounts a report out of China claiming women are grumpier in the morning than men. All are invited to delve into this mystery with Hueina Su at Echoes of Cold Moon where she posts Miss Morning Grumpiness, saying, "It's official: recent study proved that women are grumpier than men in the morning! Beware Miss Morning Grumpiness!!!" Hueina: Abe Linkum thanks you for your bright outlook!
For-All-Free
Abe is extremely impressed that John at Hell's Handmaiden is able to receive any sort of cogent reasoning from blogs that are for Bush given this point in the election cycle. But John did -- and from a fairly prominent blogger at that!. John receives some simplistic arguments from Mark Noonan and gives it back to The Nooner fast and furious at hell’s handmaiden » Blog Archive » A reply to Mark Noonan, saying, "Hello. I've caught BlogsForBush's Mark Noonan's attention a time or two. This post represents one of those times." John, you have to move fast because GOP attention spans atrophy if they get close to the truth.Free-for-All
Quantum metaphysics are in play at Wa Salaam where Abu Sahajj presents Reflection in Nature. Mr. Sahajj thinks we should look to the moon and be rested and solaced by its suppressed reflection. And that if humans would take time to reflect before acting, our rashness could be suppressed. Sounds good to Abe. However, his infinite density may proclude him from such wisdom at times.Avant News, as presciently as ever, reports that President Clinton "is happy to inform Americans" that we can "sleep easier in our beds" in 2009 due to the fact that President Clinton Jails 938,000 Illegal Enemy Combatants. Thankfully, Abe recently switched his party affiliation to 'none' and won't be part of Clinton's future culling of those pachydermally persuaded.
As in all Cirques, the best act is saved for last and just before the fat lady. The best is what we have for you with Jon Swift. Jon shows us how low the Democrats go to retrieve more power, and rightly takes Karl Rove's advice mouthed by George Bush at Stay the Course: Another Democrat Dirty Trick, saying, "I certainly don't remember the President ever saying anything about "stay the course" being the strategy in Iraq so I suspected that this was another Democrat dirty trick." Geez Jon, I don't think George can remember, either.
Well, that concludes Act I. Its success was based on your patronage. Thanks once again. See everyone next time during Act II under Cirque de Critique's big top!
Technorati tags:
cirque de critique, blog carnival.
Labels: blog carnival, Cirque de Critique
French Horn Detected in Blackwell Radio Spot!
Ken Blackwell's now performing his swan song through Ohio's airwaves and before Buckeyes lay him out to other pastures on Nov. 7th. Preferably, Ken will be sent packing to over-populated, hydro-diminished Naples, Florida with his ultra-rich, megachurch pastoral buddies -- like the ever-sweaty Rod Parsley -- so they all can enjoy its cooling water supply.
But before Blackwell passes over, he is attempting to take one last proselytic shot by airing majestic political radio spots that detail Ken's comparitive advantage of purity over his opponent, Gov. Strickland. But hark! What do thou hear?!
FRENCH HORNS! Thou hears french horns that accompany Pastor Ken's missives that diss eternal. This is utter apostasy -- a gravenly act! Doesn't Pastor Ken get it?
One would think Pastor Ken would have taken a more fervent tone in the ad by demanding his backgroung music scored for 'freedom horn' and not french. And, all the tongueing involved in trying to play to the fore with such a horn should have been duly considered under mega-christian standards -- not double-tongued as they were. Orthodoxy should dictate that the only tongues given should be those that trip fantastically and too easily within your largesse of charismatic confines. But, there is a way back to your fold, Pastor Ken.
The path is through the old school. Ram's horn, Pastor, ram's horn. First, pick the choicest ram. Then slaughter him. Saw off his left horn leaving the carcass to priests and the hooves for your Florida buddies to cleave. Finally, hollow horn and BLOW HARD!
But before Blackwell passes over, he is attempting to take one last proselytic shot by airing majestic political radio spots that detail Ken's comparitive advantage of purity over his opponent, Gov. Strickland. But hark! What do thou hear?!
FRENCH HORNS! Thou hears french horns that accompany Pastor Ken's missives that diss eternal. This is utter apostasy -- a gravenly act! Doesn't Pastor Ken get it?
One would think Pastor Ken would have taken a more fervent tone in the ad by demanding his backgroung music scored for 'freedom horn' and not french. And, all the tongueing involved in trying to play to the fore with such a horn should have been duly considered under mega-christian standards -- not double-tongued as they were. Orthodoxy should dictate that the only tongues given should be those that trip fantastically and too easily within your largesse of charismatic confines. But, there is a way back to your fold, Pastor Ken.
The path is through the old school. Ram's horn, Pastor, ram's horn. First, pick the choicest ram. Then slaughter him. Saw off his left horn leaving the carcass to priests and the hooves for your Florida buddies to cleave. Finally, hollow horn and BLOW HARD!
Labels: Ken Blackwell, megachurch, Ohio politics, political ads
Friday, October 27, 2006
GOP 'List of Reasons' Hits Point of Diminished Returns
The GOP elephants are now somewhat queued tail-to-nose as they lumber toward Nov. 7th. However, much prodding has been given to get the unruly beasts in line this time -- with limited success.
One of the recent emergency measures taken by the GOP to retrieve wanderers, other than their usual fear-mongered, place-rodent-at-foot-hoping-for-stampede approach, has been new GOP 'listings' passed out by some guy named Paul at the most-right NewsMax. These 'listings' aren't the typical lists that you would expect from the GOP. They're not 'outings' of homos, treasonists or the outright sinful, but a different boilerplate consisting of straw that their pack can grasp and gnaw on.
The list is seemingly amorphic and impervious to plagiarism. Observe how other GOP weblogs are fast in picking Paul's points and calling them their own:
Danger Management states, "The economy is kicking butt." Urban Grounds says, "The economy is kicking butt." Conservative Blog Therapy has it that, "The economy is kicking butt." The Talk Show American gets a little more verbose when adding, "The economy is kicking butt."
In North Dakota, the GOP's situation looks even more dire. It's there where you will find harried compiling on top of the already heavily oxidized plate of boiled meat cooked up by the GOP.
Taking Back North Dakota has a total of 101 reasons to vote GOP -- but only one is given along with a promise of listing completely before elections. Oddly, and possibly resulting from the spate of cloning initiatives or a little know genetic anomaly peculiar to Dakotans, Say Anything says the exact same reasoned ratio as Take Dakota's, 1/101, applies to hopes of GOP victories. Respectively, the two Dakotan's reasons for their chances are: 'The economy is kicking butt.', and, 'The economy is kicking butt.'
We'll check back to see if Dakota gives a ten-count.
One of the recent emergency measures taken by the GOP to retrieve wanderers, other than their usual fear-mongered, place-rodent-at-foot-hoping-for-stampede approach, has been new GOP 'listings' passed out by some guy named Paul at the most-right NewsMax. These 'listings' aren't the typical lists that you would expect from the GOP. They're not 'outings' of homos, treasonists or the outright sinful, but a different boilerplate consisting of straw that their pack can grasp and gnaw on.
The list is seemingly amorphic and impervious to plagiarism. Observe how other GOP weblogs are fast in picking Paul's points and calling them their own:
Danger Management states, "The economy is kicking butt." Urban Grounds says, "The economy is kicking butt." Conservative Blog Therapy has it that, "The economy is kicking butt." The Talk Show American gets a little more verbose when adding, "The economy is kicking butt."
In North Dakota, the GOP's situation looks even more dire. It's there where you will find harried compiling on top of the already heavily oxidized plate of boiled meat cooked up by the GOP.
Taking Back North Dakota has a total of 101 reasons to vote GOP -- but only one is given along with a promise of listing completely before elections. Oddly, and possibly resulting from the spate of cloning initiatives or a little know genetic anomaly peculiar to Dakotans, Say Anything says the exact same reasoned ratio as Take Dakota's, 1/101, applies to hopes of GOP victories. Respectively, the two Dakotan's reasons for their chances are: 'The economy is kicking butt.', and, 'The economy is kicking butt.'
We'll check back to see if Dakota gives a ten-count.
Labels: GOP
Casbah Catwalk - Winter Burqa Bazaar!
Sheriffs won't like it, but Abe's struttin' to town in Casbah Catwalk's Burqa Bazaar!
It's here that you'll see all the latest burqa styles with this season's emphasis on burqa head-sack eye-slit design. And all will be awed by WonderSak! So, let's start strolling down Abe's catwalk of burqas -
Discriminating eyes will surely glance your way as you complete your wardrobe in a vibrancy that befits you -
Ladies are looking to style 'in the house' this winter by choosing hot, new burqa head-sack eye-slits! Abe Linkum features the latest 'He Hate Me' line of eye-slits. 'He Hate Me' brings subtleness back to the burqa with -
You say you need a little more color than 'He Hate Me' brings? Then consider -
As an exciting preview of how you'll see these great head-sacks worn come summer, Abe Linkum proudly presents the first closeted viewing of tomorrow's hottest state-of-the-art burqa material sure to catch on with those in the know - Muslim Musleen!
Not only will Muslim Musleen look great on you, but it really takes off calories, too -
Of course, all have come to see the featured garment of our show, WonderSak. WonderSak - designed by secret underground engineers for today's woman.
WonderSak's beauty is within its simplicity. The best dhimmi designers on earth have come together with a vision to transform the basic black burqa into one where people will constantly ask, "I really wonder what lovely, veiled secrets lie just beneath it all". It's that simple!
Well don't wait! Wonder no more with the awesome WonderSak!
Note: This show runs the entire week until next Friday's Ju'mah prayer session. From there, everyone's invited to the aftershow where we'll gather at the coffeehouse to plan attacks on Zionist monkeys in community centers based on what we learned at Ju'mah. Shylock Alayim.
It's here that you'll see all the latest burqa styles with this season's emphasis on burqa head-sack eye-slit design. And all will be awed by WonderSak! So, let's start strolling down Abe's catwalk of burqas -
Discriminating eyes will surely glance your way as you complete your wardrobe in a vibrancy that befits you -
Ladies are looking to style 'in the house' this winter by choosing hot, new burqa head-sack eye-slits! Abe Linkum features the latest 'He Hate Me' line of eye-slits. 'He Hate Me' brings subtleness back to the burqa with -
The Basic
The Reflective
Reflected Sharia
You say you need a little more color than 'He Hate Me' brings? Then consider -
Shelter Filter Red
Submission
The Eva Braun
or, The Be Happy
As an exciting preview of how you'll see these great head-sacks worn come summer, Abe Linkum proudly presents the first closeted viewing of tomorrow's hottest state-of-the-art burqa material sure to catch on with those in the know - Muslim Musleen!
Not only will Muslim Musleen look great on you, but it really takes off calories, too -
Of course, all have come to see the featured garment of our show, WonderSak. WonderSak - designed by secret underground engineers for today's woman.
WonderSak's beauty is within its simplicity. The best dhimmi designers on earth have come together with a vision to transform the basic black burqa into one where people will constantly ask, "I really wonder what lovely, veiled secrets lie just beneath it all". It's that simple!
Well don't wait! Wonder no more with the awesome WonderSak!
Note: This show runs the entire week until next Friday's Ju'mah prayer session. From there, everyone's invited to the aftershow where we'll gather at the coffeehouse to plan attacks on Zionist monkeys in community centers based on what we learned at Ju'mah. Shylock Alayim.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Shoot a Cleveland Smoker, Save an Artist's Life
Over the U.S., citizens are so eager to extend the banishment of smoking from all areas -- including in front of Omaha, Neb. police firing squads if need be -- that they become too quick to extinquish smoking's long-term financial benefits that add to a community's overall health. Look at Cleveland, Abe's town:
Historically, the arts have been supported by Cleveland's affluent and corporate community. This has held true for most if not all cities throughout history. The patronage over the years has been substantial in Cleveland, as is seen, heard and appreciated at University Circle -- a cultural hub in the city proper where our major museums, performance houses and hospitals are centered.
Since Cleveland's wealthy have lately become stingier and less cultured, and with corporations continuing to move out of Cuyahoga County due to high tax rates, the arts have taken a hit and the powers commissioned have decided that smokers should now fill arts' bill, through Issue 18, by nickle-and-diming smokers an additional 1.5 cents per stick so the shows can go on. This act sounds the last knell for Cleveland arts and culture. (Along with Ohio's 'slots' issue that 'insures' the academic future of Ohio's kids.)
Not only does Issue 18 tax Cleveland smokers further than they already are physically, it does so to those that are most likely poorer, less educated and less apt to use the arts for their facility. Thus, it's an easy squeeze by the well-off on the not-so -- at least initially -- but a grip that quickly tetanizes and slows the tempo of revenue, leading Cleveland's arts scene to a wheezing withdrawal.
The Commish's office says we need to rescue the arts because it will be good for business in that Cleveland's cultural attractions do just that. It's also well known that it's business' business to attract business.
Mssrs. Commissioners and Good Voters of Cuyahoga County: Do you believe that the arts will be saved by a dwindling tax base of blue-bloated smokers ready to die at moments notice for Winston while running Pall Mall from Haydn? Or, do you believe that the best answer may not be the one that bucks history, but continues with the 'high' traditions of corporations and upper-classes?
The answer is that Commish should have commissioned an actuarially-sound study demonstrating that smokers don't live as long as others, and their shortened lives cost less after totaling society's aggregate long-term health bill. So, in fact, dwindling is what smokers do best. And, that by lowering taxes, a real attraction will debut that will draw companies into Cuyahoga County and help loosen the purse strings of a few ex-patrons of Cleveland's cultural community.
On the other hand, maybe Cuyahogans can could go to the extremes of Omahans by dialing 911 to rat on smokers as emergency cases. That way, the county can collect stiff fines and the cops can pass out bubble gum to the butt-snuffers.
Pass the Copenhagen, please.
Historically, the arts have been supported by Cleveland's affluent and corporate community. This has held true for most if not all cities throughout history. The patronage over the years has been substantial in Cleveland, as is seen, heard and appreciated at University Circle -- a cultural hub in the city proper where our major museums, performance houses and hospitals are centered.
Since Cleveland's wealthy have lately become stingier and less cultured, and with corporations continuing to move out of Cuyahoga County due to high tax rates, the arts have taken a hit and the powers commissioned have decided that smokers should now fill arts' bill, through Issue 18, by nickle-and-diming smokers an additional 1.5 cents per stick so the shows can go on. This act sounds the last knell for Cleveland arts and culture. (Along with Ohio's 'slots' issue that 'insures' the academic future of Ohio's kids.)
Not only does Issue 18 tax Cleveland smokers further than they already are physically, it does so to those that are most likely poorer, less educated and less apt to use the arts for their facility. Thus, it's an easy squeeze by the well-off on the not-so -- at least initially -- but a grip that quickly tetanizes and slows the tempo of revenue, leading Cleveland's arts scene to a wheezing withdrawal.
The Commish's office says we need to rescue the arts because it will be good for business in that Cleveland's cultural attractions do just that. It's also well known that it's business' business to attract business.
Mssrs. Commissioners and Good Voters of Cuyahoga County: Do you believe that the arts will be saved by a dwindling tax base of blue-bloated smokers ready to die at moments notice for Winston while running Pall Mall from Haydn? Or, do you believe that the best answer may not be the one that bucks history, but continues with the 'high' traditions of corporations and upper-classes?
The answer is that Commish should have commissioned an actuarially-sound study demonstrating that smokers don't live as long as others, and their shortened lives cost less after totaling society's aggregate long-term health bill. So, in fact, dwindling is what smokers do best. And, that by lowering taxes, a real attraction will debut that will draw companies into Cuyahoga County and help loosen the purse strings of a few ex-patrons of Cleveland's cultural community.
On the other hand, maybe Cuyahogans can could go to the extremes of Omahans by dialing 911 to rat on smokers as emergency cases. That way, the county can collect stiff fines and the cops can pass out bubble gum to the butt-snuffers.
Pass the Copenhagen, please.
Labels: Cuyahoga County, Issue 18, Ohio politics, smoking
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Gov. Strickland's Chain Gets a 'Pullins'
A fellow Clevelander's weblog, Brewed Fresh Daily, asks the question How Low Are We Gonna Go? This query references the recurrent political tactics of extreme religious righties -- in particular, Ken Blackwell.
Mathematically, an easy expression representing the religious right's depths of Luciferian politick can be easily delivered:
f(t) = -1/t^4, where f(0)= the eve of elections
In other words, infinitely low with one hell of an accelerated path!
The newest poltergeistic paver of Ohio's political highway to hell is some crank named Pullins, a guy who once passed a bar and currently stops at nothing. Basically, Pullins is a bag for the radical religious right, who obviously rectify their end -- monetary, for glory sakes -- with any obscene mean available. Pullins is pulling the religious right's base's chain for the powers that are in order to line up the last malbeliever for election day dues.
They're obviously entitled to such political action, for to be so supremely right, they must be afforded this final and lone titillation as they quickly journey down the loser's road. Trespasses forgiven.
Mathematically, an easy expression representing the religious right's depths of Luciferian politick can be easily delivered:
f(t) = -1/t^4, where f(0)= the eve of elections
In other words, infinitely low with one hell of an accelerated path!
The newest poltergeistic paver of Ohio's political highway to hell is some crank named Pullins, a guy who once passed a bar and currently stops at nothing. Basically, Pullins is a bag for the radical religious right, who obviously rectify their end -- monetary, for glory sakes -- with any obscene mean available. Pullins is pulling the religious right's base's chain for the powers that are in order to line up the last malbeliever for election day dues.
They're obviously entitled to such political action, for to be so supremely right, they must be afforded this final and lone titillation as they quickly journey down the loser's road. Trespasses forgiven.
Labels: Ken Blackwell, religious right, Scott Pullins
Ohio Political Carnival Heats Up
Ohio's political scene is ever more hot as the election nears. Experience the refracted political atmospherics Ohioans look through these days plus the fast expanding pile of soot wrought from Ohio's developing blog "Flame Wars"! All can be enjoyed by visiting the outstanding Ohio political weblog Newshounds and their Carnival of Ohio Politics.
Labels: Ohio politics
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
A Paean to Peein'
A Paean to Peein'
by A. Linkum
Oh, lustrous ale!
Your amberics tease my eye 'til mind's sublime
Neither Coronal or stale
But you leave, ill-fated in time
For as I drink you whole, I'll search for another in earnest
Her radiance shines through like portal moon
And calls me to her door
My fine, fine Loona Loo!
by A. Linkum
Oh, lustrous ale!
Your amberics tease my eye 'til mind's sublime
Neither Coronal or stale
But you leave, ill-fated in time
For as I drink you whole, I'll search for another in earnest
Her radiance shines through like portal moon
And calls me to her door
My fine, fine Loona Loo!
Labels: poetry
Balloon Drop Becomes Election Factor
With the divisive and incompetent air surrounding D.C., and with little choice now given the electorate by and between two parties that luxuiate at the trough supplied by unwitting Americans, the deciding factor taken before scoring of 2008 franchises may come down to the party that performs the best balloon drop at their respective national conventions.
In 2004, the Democrats had trouble unveiling their supply of red, white and blue trial balloons at the big blast in Boston and on top of party heads. This led to wonderment of delegate face as to when they would fall -- with consequent answer via that November's ballot box.
So, in 2008, look for the party that demonstrates the smoothest release of the party balloons since other criteria to evaluate their base judgements will be lacking. Then, you'll recognize who's more slippery.
In 2004, the Democrats had trouble unveiling their supply of red, white and blue trial balloons at the big blast in Boston and on top of party heads. This led to wonderment of delegate face as to when they would fall -- with consequent answer via that November's ballot box.
So, in 2008, look for the party that demonstrates the smoothest release of the party balloons since other criteria to evaluate their base judgements will be lacking. Then, you'll recognize who's more slippery.
Labels: political conventions
Bush "Flexibility" Program Brings Stiff Neck
After less than two weeks of "staying the course" -- which led to the deployment of President Bush as a shootin' hall target in the guise of an energized bunny that Democrats could take potshots at while it ran in the track the GOP laid for the run-up to November's election -- GOP strategists have decided to abort the plan mid-term on the right side of their road, suddenly becoming more "flexible". Predictably, this lurch into unknown ranges of GOP motions have given Bush a stiffer neck than already experienced by his followers.
But don't be misled by the GOP's new exercise infomercial. Bush's new workout for the American people is more of the same -- at least until he gets his hard ass out of The Oval Office. Except, now his team is supposedly flexible, adaptin' and stayin' the mission.
Right! It's that same 'mission' which is increasingly nebulous in direction and was "accomplished" three years, hundreds of billions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of lives ago. I'm waiting for Bush's workout video to show up at a yard sale before I buy.
But don't be misled by the GOP's new exercise infomercial. Bush's new workout for the American people is more of the same -- at least until he gets his hard ass out of The Oval Office. Except, now his team is supposedly flexible, adaptin' and stayin' the mission.
Right! It's that same 'mission' which is increasingly nebulous in direction and was "accomplished" three years, hundreds of billions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of lives ago. I'm waiting for Bush's workout video to show up at a yard sale before I buy.
Labels: Bush, flexibility, Iraq, policy failures
Monday, October 23, 2006
Effete Maginotions Bode Ile and Galls Europhiles!
New French Sauna/Whirlpool Units Available!Sorry, everyone's on vacation at The Bureau. We're all here and wallowing at Vichy Spa. Call us back next Tuesday if you want a report on civil affairs, bub.
Labels: France, muslims, riots
Lieberman to Sit On 'Table of Fifteen'
It's official. All of the increased Joe-mentum has led to an additional chair placement at the McCain gang's Table of Fifteen.
But, will it be to Republican benefit?
But, will it be to Republican benefit?
Labels: GOP, Joe Lieberman
Friday, October 20, 2006
Abe's Two-bit Caper of the Week
Abe's weekly two bits go to three stinking Akron, OH thieves who stole two auto fresheners worth about one bit -- landing them in jail nonetheless. Obviously a 'posse', the three geniuses apparently needed to refresh their mobility back to jail, since all have priors, and deftly responded to alerted officers' inquires by presenting the pine-scented pilferage to the officials while another attempted to drop off a loaded handgun close to a convenient trash can.
Two others, loaded hand guns and not air fresheners, were found in the car -- one for each stooge.
Two others, loaded hand guns and not air fresheners, were found in the car -- one for each stooge.
Labels: Two-bit capers
As Unendorsements Go, So Does Blackwell
It's difficult to kick sand in the big bully's face before Ohio sends him to sunny, Naplesian retirement beaches where Blackwell can luxuriate with megachurch buddies on campaign and chancel dollars sent for his type of support. But one must let fly after enduring Ken's use of mischievous, ham-handed, uber mis-rightiousness to snake his way up the conservative and religious right's poll of faux purity.
It can't hurt much worse than having an unendorsement performed on you right before the vote. What shall you do now, Mr. Blackwell? Maybe in the next two weeks you can imply that Ted Strickland's wife watched while Ted fondled the next door neighbor's kid. That should complete the trick.
With Ken and crew, their rear-ends always justified the means taken. Ken, good bye and good riddance!
It can't hurt much worse than having an unendorsement performed on you right before the vote. What shall you do now, Mr. Blackwell? Maybe in the next two weeks you can imply that Ted Strickland's wife watched while Ted fondled the next door neighbor's kid. That should complete the trick.
With Ken and crew, their rear-ends always justified the means taken. Ken, good bye and good riddance!
Labels: Ken Blackwell, Ohio politics
Cat Blogging: Allergy-free Friday Edition
That's right! Allergy free kitties! Here's a pic of the litter picked up at American Inventor Spot. So step right up and get yer little dust bundle today!Thursday, October 19, 2006
A Day I Took My Gun to School
Always in the Vice Principal's office. Now an eighth-grade, punk kid with a shotgun -- a double-auto, Browning Twentyweight 12 gauge about to enter Mr. Cappas' mid-morning English class.
The classroom and occupants survived that '70's day in spite of the steam radiators and because the shotgun and its holder were together for a class demonstration unlike those that today scatter young flesh in slippery yet sticky pools. What a difference decades make.
On that day -- a cold one as Cleveland winter days were back then before Al Gore's global warming initiative took hold -- the gun was carried out of the house, down to the bus stop, onto the bus, off, then into the school and my locker to safe-keep the big show later on. All the while, the principal gave a pass to the armed adolescent activity since it would help a troubled youth express himself in better ways than always acting up and class clown-ish -- especially with Cappas.
So, after the prescribed demonstration -- where classmates were awed by the presenter's knowledge of trapshooting and preparation entailing it, never mind a large firearm -- the gun went back in the case, then locker, out, again a principal's pass, through school doors and onto a bus home. Could this happen today?
How can the other happen?
The classroom and occupants survived that '70's day in spite of the steam radiators and because the shotgun and its holder were together for a class demonstration unlike those that today scatter young flesh in slippery yet sticky pools. What a difference decades make.
On that day -- a cold one as Cleveland winter days were back then before Al Gore's global warming initiative took hold -- the gun was carried out of the house, down to the bus stop, onto the bus, off, then into the school and my locker to safe-keep the big show later on. All the while, the principal gave a pass to the armed adolescent activity since it would help a troubled youth express himself in better ways than always acting up and class clown-ish -- especially with Cappas.
So, after the prescribed demonstration -- where classmates were awed by the presenter's knowledge of trapshooting and preparation entailing it, never mind a large firearm -- the gun went back in the case, then locker, out, again a principal's pass, through school doors and onto a bus home. Could this happen today?
How can the other happen?
Labels: guns, school violence
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Coastal Agri-brawl Over Condom Concessions!
Napa Valley -An intense agri-brawl is brewing over the burgeoning Kid Condom Flavoring Concession, an after-school social program developed by the NEA -- endorsed by the PTA and FDA.
Everett Duquette of The Maine Maple Tappers Union was quick to point out that "... maple sugars are more versatile than those California grapeskins since we provide a more lasting stickiness and palate for the kids to help with their extracurricular activities. We want our kids sweet -- not like those little tarts in California!"
Labels: humor
Blackwell's 'Townhall' Ill of Blacks
Ohio's Round Headed round-up continues tonight just south of Cleveland when Ken "I'm Morally Superior to All Except Rod Parsley" Blackwell rides into and whisks out of an Independence, OH steakhouse on the slanted backs of SRN/Townhall.com buddies Dennis Prager and Hugh Hewitt at Townhall.com's Political Roadshow - Day 5. Blackwell will be seen as the only person of color by and at the gathering.
The trio are attempting to effect a juncture with Cuyahoga County's voting victims after the crash-carts have already left the scene somewhere around the I-77/480 cloverleaf. It's the one that's just off the steakhouse; the one that will broom them along shortly after tonight's biblical study in political buffoonery and can supposedly benefit from Blackwell's rebirthing of highway skullduggery.
But nothing to heed, all you fair and somewhat balanced Cuyahogans, for only their choir will attend -- a choir that risks severe diminution for eternal preaching of "our way or the highway". Such punity is now easily evidenced by their tour into other towns' halls -- and the trail of losers left behind.
It's a highwayman's rogues list. Just prior, in PA, Prager and Hewitt left Rick Santorum (R-PA), a future landslide loser and as cranially capped as Cromwell, as road-wound on I-76 just outside of Philly. They didn't even have the guts to turn around and finish him off. Tonight it's Townhall with Cuyahoga Ken and His Statehouse of Gloom with Ken finally coming to terms without any in his terminal political episode.
And so they go. It's said it could soon be Michelle Bachman's turn to overdrive the Townhall.com bus on I-94, up in Minnesota's way. The bus underthrow by the voters will occur faster for it if she takes it.
Townhall's choir's losing their bass -- if they ever had any.
The trio are attempting to effect a juncture with Cuyahoga County's voting victims after the crash-carts have already left the scene somewhere around the I-77/480 cloverleaf. It's the one that's just off the steakhouse; the one that will broom them along shortly after tonight's biblical study in political buffoonery and can supposedly benefit from Blackwell's rebirthing of highway skullduggery.
But nothing to heed, all you fair and somewhat balanced Cuyahogans, for only their choir will attend -- a choir that risks severe diminution for eternal preaching of "our way or the highway". Such punity is now easily evidenced by their tour into other towns' halls -- and the trail of losers left behind.
It's a highwayman's rogues list. Just prior, in PA, Prager and Hewitt left Rick Santorum (R-PA), a future landslide loser and as cranially capped as Cromwell, as road-wound on I-76 just outside of Philly. They didn't even have the guts to turn around and finish him off. Tonight it's Townhall with Cuyahoga Ken and His Statehouse of Gloom with Ken finally coming to terms without any in his terminal political episode.
And so they go. It's said it could soon be Michelle Bachman's turn to overdrive the Townhall.com bus on I-94, up in Minnesota's way. The bus underthrow by the voters will occur faster for it if she takes it.
Townhall's choir's losing their bass -- if they ever had any.
Labels: Ken Blackwell, Ohio politics, religious right, Round Heads, SRN/Townhall.com
The CIA's Soft Target Tango
Bethesda, MD -
In a measured compromise with America's appeasers of islamofascist forces around the world, the CIA, in conjunction with ties developed by tsunamic intercourse, divulged their new pan-sino-pan-american psy-ops initiative - Code Name: Bravo Charlie's Delta!
"Our aim is to immediately start making massive airdrops over any regions experiencing semi-rapid to rapid infiltrations of islamofascists by enfilading such areas with our soon to be released coveys of origami pigeon drones programmed to flit about and perform precision strikes with their own peculiar droppings....", stated Gaspar Freundengeist, CIA Interagency Chief of Cooperative Outreach. "The drones are still in development, but the crisis nature of events gave impetus for our decision to drop. However, it's my understanding the drones have good sensitivity to heads exhibiting distinctive red-and-white checkerboard patterns."
According to Freundengeist, America's flagging wartime spirit also needs to be bolstered, "...especially among our appeasing friends....", as he wafted over a bowl of chowder with this reporter at Willard's. "We're looking to dovetail a propaganda campaign off our recent humanitarian successes that will feature posters of 'Fannie the Folder' hung in all federal facilities. We thought the rank-and-file would enjoy the nostalgic deco look of the poster with its slightly-off pastel feel and the sweaty Fannie habiting rolled-up sleeves."
In a measured compromise with America's appeasers of islamofascist forces around the world, the CIA, in conjunction with ties developed by tsunamic intercourse, divulged their new pan-sino-pan-american psy-ops initiative - Code Name: Bravo Charlie's Delta!
"Our aim is to immediately start making massive airdrops over any regions experiencing semi-rapid to rapid infiltrations of islamofascists by enfilading such areas with our soon to be released coveys of origami pigeon drones programmed to flit about and perform precision strikes with their own peculiar droppings....", stated Gaspar Freundengeist, CIA Interagency Chief of Cooperative Outreach. "The drones are still in development, but the crisis nature of events gave impetus for our decision to drop. However, it's my understanding the drones have good sensitivity to heads exhibiting distinctive red-and-white checkerboard patterns."
According to Freundengeist, America's flagging wartime spirit also needs to be bolstered, "...especially among our appeasing friends....", as he wafted over a bowl of chowder with this reporter at Willard's. "We're looking to dovetail a propaganda campaign off our recent humanitarian successes that will feature posters of 'Fannie the Folder' hung in all federal facilities. We thought the rank-and-file would enjoy the nostalgic deco look of the poster with its slightly-off pastel feel and the sweaty Fannie habiting rolled-up sleeves."
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
A Damn Good Pun
"Damn the torpors! A full team instead!"
~ Admiral Numnutz, of On the Shoals with Adm. Numnutz Serials fame, where next week in a multi-tasking extravaganza, we find the good admiral replacing his portholes after being seen peeing on the poopdeck while proceeding in masking his mizzens after a crappie fish-keeling expedition!
~ Admiral Numnutz, of On the Shoals with Adm. Numnutz Serials fame, where next week in a multi-tasking extravaganza, we find the good admiral replacing his portholes after being seen peeing on the poopdeck while proceeding in masking his mizzens after a crappie fish-keeling expedition!
Labels: humor
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Cirque de Critique - Overturial Edition
The glockenspiel's gone dumb and the calliope has a flat. But the trombones still blow spit out their valves so its time to strike those in the pit and warm-up with Cirque de Critique's Overturial Edition!Cir. de Cri. is the big tent - a blog carnival that takes all sides as long as those taken take-on others trying to take them. A critic's 'critics corner', so to speak. If you want to enter your critical posts for the next edition two weeks from today, then click here -
On cue and key of Cirque's musical pit boss, Jon Swift warms-up Cirque's Overture by entering his critique on Democratic handling of Mark Foley's e-missions to congressional page in-boxes in Foley Scandal Hurts Democrats. Jon adds that "although some in the liberal media claim that recent reports of Rep. Mark Foley's overeager mentoring of male Congressional pages will be damaging to Republicans in the November elections, I think this incident demonstrates why turning Congress over to the Democrats would be such a disaster for our country."
...and for Denny Hastert.
Mr. Swift, your post deservedly belongs in Cirque's vaunted 'free-for-all' category and is true to the spirit of Cir. de Cri.. We'll see if Zoldan, our trapeze catcher, re-stiched the safety net for the elephants.
That's all until Act I. Thanks to the readers and our entrant, Mr. Swift.
Labels: blog carnival, Cirque de Critique
Sour Jocks - Round 3
Ding! Ding! Ding! Round 3 of Sour Jocks Sports Carnival starts off like Round 2, with one jab thrown by our one fighter amid a timely college football 'event' just prior to the round's opening bell, relieving the host from digging hard for other examples of what makes some jocks too sour to wear and earn acceptance into the bottom of the Team Room's hamper - seeing that Sour Jocks is an expansion team, and all.The next edition of Sour Jocks is on Sunday, Nov. 1. If you want to send in your posts and get linked or host and get even more so, then click right below -
To start and end with this round's post, Brian, over at the concesssion stand, is serving up more cheeZeburgers, but doesn't expect to get paid - even on Tuesdays at WhatZgonnahappen.com which posted WhatZgonnahappen.com, saying, "Thanks for the mention last time!" Brian, don't mention it. How about hosting to get your Technorati count up a bit. Oh, and a bit more pepper on that burger next round.
Thanks, and that's all except for last night's head-stompin', swamp-creatur'd soiree in Florida between Fl.Int, a team true to Abe's heart, and Miami, who perennially have put the 'Pro' in Cro-Magnon for behavior on and off playing fields. Kudos to both teams on your exposure!
Labels: blog carnival, Sour Jocks
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Madonna Conceives Black Child - Aids Africa
Another celebrity third-world outreach was performed this week in Malawi, where Madonna, after numerous unsuccessful attempts at prostituting Malawian males to cede their seed through her allures, finally succeeded in suckling one father's child out of his arms and into her spiked bosom. Dances, as an offering to the gods for her outpourings upon the sponsored village, were joylessly given after the swap was delivered.
Madonna's maternal make-over probably stems from celebrity jealousy over Bono's recent rise up the star-powered, Red charity charts that has Jobs' Apple getting a polished new face by plastic molded injection. This kind of attraction would do so for any pop, but not Darfur's.
The word has it that as Madonna returns home with her little conception of charity aboard Jet Spread, she places her newborn at risk since this would subject him too quickly to the frigid and musty environs of her island manse as well as to pulmonary inflammatories like dried baby pheasant droppings and No. 9 lead shot left over from nature walks with Brad Pitt.
...what was that thingy about China, Russia and North Korea?
Madonna's maternal make-over probably stems from celebrity jealousy over Bono's recent rise up the star-powered, Red charity charts that has Jobs' Apple getting a polished new face by plastic molded injection. This kind of attraction would do so for any pop, but not Darfur's.
The word has it that as Madonna returns home with her little conception of charity aboard Jet Spread, she places her newborn at risk since this would subject him too quickly to the frigid and musty environs of her island manse as well as to pulmonary inflammatories like dried baby pheasant droppings and No. 9 lead shot left over from nature walks with Brad Pitt.
...what was that thingy about China, Russia and North Korea?
Labels: Aids, entertainment, Madonna
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Sen. Allen's 'A-Team' Becomes F-Troop
Sen. George Allen must not have learned much as a youth while ogling Redskins cheerleaders on Daddy's sideline because it's obvious he doesn't have the smarts to understand that $4 times $0 doesn't equal $1,250, let alone $1,100,000. Given this and seeing that George can't spell "cyber", either, Sen. Allen automatically grades a zero on pro football's vaunted Wonderlic Test.
A quick primer to Allen's problem with the three "R"s, specially that 'rith-mi-tic one:
'Ritin'. George had trouble one day in a class spelling bee when he digitally air-penned X-y-b-e-r-n-a-u-t instead of C-y-b-e-r-n-a-u-t during recitation, thus quickly eliminating him from the field and foretelling his run-up to and not including '08. His talents eventually led to Xyber stock options, justly compensating his genius and timely services rendered of his "private citizen" capacity. It also led to Allen's inability to understand basic Senate manuals and write reports to fellow Senate ethicists making sure that "any agreements or arrangement of the reporting individual concerning ... deferred compensation plans (including stock option plans) ... be disclosed."
Readin'. See cite on Senate Ethics Manual immediately above.
'Rith-mi-tic. Not only did Sen. Allen receive a big, red "X" for his cyber spell, he didn't get why four zeros don't make anything more. Once again, Allen demonstrated skills way left of a normal line by malevaluating Xybernaut as "worthless", supposedly giving allowance to forget five years worth of reports to Senate ethics impale-, um, empanellers.
Sen. Allen's A-Team also rates an F in 'rith-mi-tic. Stunted skill development is present at Allen's personal F-Troop posting when they try to reconstruct the stocks for Allen by stacking four blocks of fully vested options, each "worthless" and on top of one other, summing to $1,250 and counting shares toward factors of hundreds. Looks pretty flimsy.
F-Troop will never make it to the top of any pyramid scheme. Wonderlic flash cards, anyone?
A quick primer to Allen's problem with the three "R"s, specially that 'rith-mi-tic one:
'Ritin'. George had trouble one day in a class spelling bee when he digitally air-penned X-y-b-e-r-n-a-u-t instead of C-y-b-e-r-n-a-u-t during recitation, thus quickly eliminating him from the field and foretelling his run-up to and not including '08. His talents eventually led to Xyber stock options, justly compensating his genius and timely services rendered of his "private citizen" capacity. It also led to Allen's inability to understand basic Senate manuals and write reports to fellow Senate ethicists making sure that "any agreements or arrangement of the reporting individual concerning ... deferred compensation plans (including stock option plans) ... be disclosed."
Readin'. See cite on Senate Ethics Manual immediately above.
'Rith-mi-tic. Not only did Sen. Allen receive a big, red "X" for his cyber spell, he didn't get why four zeros don't make anything more. Once again, Allen demonstrated skills way left of a normal line by malevaluating Xybernaut as "worthless", supposedly giving allowance to forget five years worth of reports to Senate ethics impale-, um, empanellers.
Sen. Allen's A-Team also rates an F in 'rith-mi-tic. Stunted skill development is present at Allen's personal F-Troop posting when they try to reconstruct the stocks for Allen by stacking four blocks of fully vested options, each "worthless" and on top of one other, summing to $1,250 and counting shares toward factors of hundreds. Looks pretty flimsy.
F-Troop will never make it to the top of any pyramid scheme. Wonderlic flash cards, anyone?
Labels: Congress, ethics, George Allen
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Abe's Obscure But Sure Pigskin Predictions - Week 6
This Saturday brings three great Div. I games that, with justification, nobody knows or cares about. However, you can still bet on them. If you take The Hippo's advice and lay it down as suggested, the spread will have fed your wallet.
(Homies in caps)
BUFFALO loses to Ball State by less than six. Bisonal kicks through bifurcations prove enough giving Lake Ontario's answer to Lake Erie's Oberlin Yeomen a hard fought two-pointed defeat.
Not only does Connecticut soak up SOUTH FLORIDA's 6 1/2 point superiority complex, but takes to The Juice, murdering The Bulls by slashing run play. Conn jobs the Bulls' scrap, 24-7.
Fl.Int. finally flakes-out from losing five close ones. Seeing a three point margin as too much to overcome, they also take Juice's cue and flee from NORTH TEXAS with some guy named Al who turns out to be Fl.Int.'s last fan. South Okies 27, Fl.Int. 13.
(Homies in caps)
BUFFALO loses to Ball State by less than six. Bisonal kicks through bifurcations prove enough giving Lake Ontario's answer to Lake Erie's Oberlin Yeomen a hard fought two-pointed defeat.
Not only does Connecticut soak up SOUTH FLORIDA's 6 1/2 point superiority complex, but takes to The Juice, murdering The Bulls by slashing run play. Conn jobs the Bulls' scrap, 24-7.
Fl.Int. finally flakes-out from losing five close ones. Seeing a three point margin as too much to overcome, they also take Juice's cue and flee from NORTH TEXAS with some guy named Al who turns out to be Fl.Int.'s last fan. South Okies 27, Fl.Int. 13.
Labels: football, NCAA, picks, sport
