Monday, October 30, 2006

 

Failure of Embryonic Stem Cell Research Leads to New Hope for America's Public School Kids!

Washington, D. C. -

Following the latest government sponsored lab debacle involving cloned embryonic stem cells -- where subject cells turned not into therapies for Bill O'Reilly's spondylo-hypoplasia but became three-eyed blind mice -- the FDA will eliminate all testing of embryonic stem cells for pharmaceutical purposes and proudly announces a new, subsidized class of stem cell nutriceuticals designed specifically for public in-school meal programs. An offshoot parochial initiative titled There's No Soul Food Like Cell Soul Food will coordinate with governmental faith-based agencies.

"All along, we thought embryonic stem cells may have had a special niche as they now present themselves", stated Dr. H. Braun Schweiger, FDA Assistant Adjutant to the NEA. "Once that we were able to create the right consistency, we found Cel-Gel to be quite versatile with my favorite conformity being the embryonic roll-ups. The scrapple isn't bad, either. And a big nod must go to our buttery pate product that spreads so smoothly on all institutional breads!"

According to the FDA, greater emphasis will also be placed on the future nutritional requirements of baby boomers as they increasingly become senescent. Says Schweiger, "...we're looking to have an incremental, multi-generational rollout for Cel-Gel that includes the boomers. We've recently signed Charlton Heston to help with promotion in our long-term care centers. We think Chuck will imbue a certain aura on our rollout, a reverse Soylent Green mysticism if you will. Or, that weird 'manna' thing he did in the desert. In the end, this will gain the government more acceptance of our institutionally driven offerings."

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