Thursday, February 15, 2007
Last Bush Neuron Saved by Stem Cell Funds!
In a frantic effort to save the last withering neuron last seen floating somewhere in a cavity where the Commander-in-Chief's pons used to reside, Karl Rove, given the legal go-ahead by Generalisimo Gonzalez through a flimsy signing statement fully endorsed by dead-ending supporters, established a top secret Pentagon account -- hidden, always hidden from his social conservative base -- to fund emergency embryonic stem cell research focused to attain the specific therapeutic benefits for Bush's neuron.
Labels: Bush, science news, stem cells
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
When Embryos Get to Heaven
Since Scripture promises a forever heavenly stint for "...he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven"(Matt 7:21) and for those who "...change and become like little children..."(Matt 18:3), it's obvious that, as the littlest children, embryos sacrificed at the altar of science would be the first taken and last forsaken. The others chosen -- most undoubtedly all grown up and sporting shiny, ungnashed teeth -- shall run into a mess of human embryonic spirits, or souls, if you will, during one's bright eternity with blessed human kin.
Initially rejoicing in reunes with these tiny seraphs, a realization of the scene might smite one's being in the moment. To prepare for such baptisms of brethrenal blasticity, one should ask a few questions before the ever after.
Do embryonic souls still look embryonic, or do they just grow up quickly by reaching the firmament?
What language would these critters speak? Do they speak in some universal tongue? Since embryos haven't yet developed a tongue, how do they speak it? Is it by some sort of Vulcan mind-meld or trans-ectodermic induction?
Similarly, can these morular mobs see you -- you know, as one of the 'saints' -- as well as you can see them?
Are the self-anointing oils that are used so extensively due to the brilliance of heaven's inhabitants as effective on the embryos' cherubic tissues? Or, are the sins of their flesh immediately washed away in a bloodbath?
If they have yet to develop ears, do they appreciate lyrical music?
Are cherubim older siblings of theirs, or evil step-relations?
Do embryos automatically go into the "born-again" class of Christian?
Again regarding sainthood: Do they immediately become one of the saints or do they need to develop more in order to self-anoint themselves?
Do they develop in vitro or in ethero?
These are just a few questions to bolster the spirits.
Initially rejoicing in reunes with these tiny seraphs, a realization of the scene might smite one's being in the moment. To prepare for such baptisms of brethrenal blasticity, one should ask a few questions before the ever after.
Do embryonic souls still look embryonic, or do they just grow up quickly by reaching the firmament?
What language would these critters speak? Do they speak in some universal tongue? Since embryos haven't yet developed a tongue, how do they speak it? Is it by some sort of Vulcan mind-meld or trans-ectodermic induction?
Similarly, can these morular mobs see you -- you know, as one of the 'saints' -- as well as you can see them?
Are the self-anointing oils that are used so extensively due to the brilliance of heaven's inhabitants as effective on the embryos' cherubic tissues? Or, are the sins of their flesh immediately washed away in a bloodbath?
If they have yet to develop ears, do they appreciate lyrical music?
Are cherubim older siblings of theirs, or evil step-relations?
Do embryos automatically go into the "born-again" class of Christian?
Again regarding sainthood: Do they immediately become one of the saints or do they need to develop more in order to self-anoint themselves?
Do they develop in vitro or in ethero?
These are just a few questions to bolster the spirits.
Labels: Creationistocrats, science, stem cells
Monday, October 30, 2006
Hollywood Halloween Embryonic Scarefest!
Just in time for Halloween -- Schwarzenegger and Spielberg have teamed to produce Pixar's new, animated sci-fi kids flic titled Arnold Throws a Party for Embryonic Stem Cells in Wonderland! -- where embryonic stem cells fail to cure Ann Coulter's atmocephalosis but morph into a new, super-cellular race dubbed the Uberblasts Uber Allantoics.The Ubers then set out to dominate the world by luring humanity with radio-isotopic markers that dangle and wiggle from Uber foreheads. Once mesmerized, the humans are forced to perform menial tasks like filing class-action lawsuits on behalf of lipids claiming underrepresentation in The Diet of Atkins!
The critics agree:
"It's insane! It's just the type of drama that will last through generations of Halloween teen moviegoers, especially at today's birthrate!", raves Roadshepherd at The Daily Surveyor where they get the flock there.
"My Three Thumbs Up!" -- Ernie MacMurray, ex-Editor of E-News Mutant Journals
Labels: Halloween, stem cells
Failure of Embryonic Stem Cell Research Leads to New Hope for America's Public School Kids!
Washington, D. C. -Following the latest government sponsored lab debacle involving cloned embryonic stem cells -- where subject cells turned not into therapies for Bill O'Reilly's spondylo-hypoplasia but became three-eyed blind mice -- the FDA will eliminate all testing of embryonic stem cells for pharmaceutical purposes and proudly announces a new, subsidized class of stem cell nutriceuticals designed specifically for public in-school meal programs. An offshoot parochial initiative titled There's No Soul Food Like Cell Soul Food will coordinate with governmental faith-based agencies.
"All along, we thought embryonic stem cells may have had a special niche as they now present themselves", stated Dr. H. Braun Schweiger, FDA Assistant Adjutant to the NEA. "Once that we were able to create the right consistency, we found Cel-Gel to be quite versatile with my favorite conformity being the embryonic roll-ups. The scrapple isn't bad, either. And a big nod must go to our buttery pate product that spreads so smoothly on all institutional breads!"
According to the FDA, greater emphasis will also be placed on the future nutritional requirements of baby boomers as they increasingly become senescent. Says Schweiger, "...we're looking to have an incremental, multi-generational rollout for Cel-Gel that includes the boomers. We've recently signed Charlton Heston to help with promotion in our long-term care centers. We think Chuck will imbue a certain aura on our rollout, a reverse Soylent Green mysticism if you will. Or, that weird 'manna' thing he did in the desert. In the end, this will gain the government more acceptance of our institutionally driven offerings."
Labels: nutriceuticals, stem cells
