Thursday, March 29, 2007
U.S. Military Command? Not Very Commendable
via The Swamp
“It makes no sense for politicians in Washington DC to be dictating arbitrary timelines for military commanders in a war zone 6,000 miles away." -- George Bush, recently to some Texas cattlemen disgruntled over not getting their fair share of this year's budget pork.
But it does make sense, Mr. Master-and-Commander President Bush, for politicians in Washington DC to be pressuring your hand from less than six miles, right in DC itself, to help you steer a different course so that sub-commanders under you may know when and how to adjust. That is, unless those generals and commanders are the ones with the helm in hand -- sans you, Sir.
Either way, Americans have been ill-served by the more 'elite' commanders that play the toady for you, Master George. Never mind four years of total waste and squandered momentum, if it ever was present at all. The way your top military leadership have behaved during one or another of the various scandals -- as Pat Tillman's, and families of the Walter Reid fiasco attest to -- has been cowardly childish, irresponsible and completely dishonorable.
Has honor been erased from West Point credes? Can our current crop of West Point big-brassers be labelled as 'Neo-South Park Generals'? Has West Point gone totally south and in need of a good flushin' out down ol' Potomac's way?
We have the means. It's time for the civilians to take over.
“It makes no sense for politicians in Washington DC to be dictating arbitrary timelines for military commanders in a war zone 6,000 miles away." -- George Bush, recently to some Texas cattlemen disgruntled over not getting their fair share of this year's budget pork.
But it does make sense, Mr. Master-and-Commander President Bush, for politicians in Washington DC to be pressuring your hand from less than six miles, right in DC itself, to help you steer a different course so that sub-commanders under you may know when and how to adjust. That is, unless those generals and commanders are the ones with the helm in hand -- sans you, Sir.
Either way, Americans have been ill-served by the more 'elite' commanders that play the toady for you, Master George. Never mind four years of total waste and squandered momentum, if it ever was present at all. The way your top military leadership have behaved during one or another of the various scandals -- as Pat Tillman's, and families of the Walter Reid fiasco attest to -- has been cowardly childish, irresponsible and completely dishonorable.
Has honor been erased from West Point credes? Can our current crop of West Point big-brassers be labelled as 'Neo-South Park Generals'? Has West Point gone totally south and in need of a good flushin' out down ol' Potomac's way?
We have the means. It's time for the civilians to take over.
Labels: Bush, military brass, tarnished brass, U.S. Military
Monday, March 26, 2007
'Speaking in Tongues': A Near Brain-Death Experience
Scientific inquiry is just starting to peek at what most enlightened observers have long seen in charismatic Christian sectists that perform the 'gifted' art of glossolalia, or 'speaking in tongues', in that these peculiar practitioners of palatine pummeling retard their level of brain function by burbling this babble, or glossolalia, during their communes with The Great Orator.
As ABC's Nightline recently reported, a team of University of Pennsylvania scientists with too much time on their watch have provided, through CAT-like vision, our first proof that the frontal lobes responsible for a glossolalist's past capacity to reason turns to gloppolioleo -- a new neurobiological phenomenon of regression that morphs highly differentiated neurons in higher level cerebral mechanisms toward basally-recessive, brain-stemmy globuloids that integrate input only for purposes of mass hysteria.
Sort of telencephaly turned paleocephalicy. Atavism, if you will.
Labels: Focus on the Frontal Lobe, science, science news, spooferisms, tribalism
Monday, March 19, 2007
'Spa Spar-300' to Feature Line of Masculine Makeup
Spinning off of the success of 300, and a sure move toward a more masculine society, Spa Spar-300 is proud to announce the unveiling of its new line of masculine makeup that uses camouflaged earth tones as its foundation so that its appeal will sure to grab the attention of 'females' like Ann Coulter.
(Of course, the chicken-hawker, flabbily machismotic, 24-watchin' male movie-goer -- like Michael Savage -- is where the appeal lies for this type of product. Kind of a conservative militia man's makeover, if you will.)
Labels: extreme makeovers
Cirque de Critique, Act XI: The Bombing of Bush's Baghdaddy of a Blitzkrieg Edition
All that I can say after four years of widening Middle East carnage and misery is that I'm one-hundred percent shocked and awed by our president's ability for stability in Baghdad and beyond. Thank you, Mr. President Bush. And thanks for your honesty in all matters with and before the American people.Anyone for "4 More Years!"? How about: "Kiss my ex-Republican ass, Georgie, you smarmy SOB sack-o-shit!"
Strong language and action to follow.
Lights. Ballast. Action! Welcome to another edition of Cirque de Critique.
Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:
Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.
Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes or rings, if you will: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.
For-All-Free
Briefly emerging from her closet of shyness is TherapyDoc who presents Popularity posted at Everyone needs therapy? Lessons from a family therapist, saying, "What do I do about this burning desire to ignore the person on my right, or worse yet, roast the one to my left? Why or why did my parents do this to me, make me feel guilty for NOT being nice. What were they thinking?"
Dear TherapyDoc: Will I start harboring latent pangs of guilt over now not being popular with President Bush? Please help.
Due to future out-of-control spirals of oil prices, Cir de Cri's 'All-for-Free' category has been substituted by just plain nothingness for this edition.
Free-for-All
Speaking of closeted and coming out, and proving that Ann Coulter has become the new C-PAC Shakur, Cir de Cri fans will go away from our next entry getting a good grasp of 'gay grammar' when Zimzo gives a heads up so you can C-PAC your ass off in Resolved: It's ok to call John Edwards a faggot posted at novatownhall blog, saying, "As interesting for the comments as the post itself (if not moreso)."
Okay, I get the whole C-PAC/Coulter argument that 'faggot' is just some sort of playground rhetorical device. In that case, blow it out your hole you bunch of C-pocked faggots!
So much for statesmanship.
Folks, that's all. And thanks to all for participating.
Labels: blog carnival, Cirque de Critique
Sunday, March 18, 2007
'Bongs for Christ' Unites Enemy Wings
A paring of odds, from nanomic to the mere micromic, of coming to agreement on any point of law was recently hacked out by the left-winged ACLU and right-winged ACLJ over a First Amendment clash with the Bush administration regarding whether a student has the right to display religiously-themed banners such as "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" in the background of sporting events to attract attention of sportscasting directors. (John 3:16 and a bad hair day gets you ringside seats, however.)
From this strange union of alphabetically-close-but-oh-so-distant jurists' rackets has arisen a new hybrid organization called the ACLI, or American Civil Liberties Incorcorated, a para-for-profit entity regulated under the Uniform Tax Code and allowed under Section 503(c)-M, a sub-clause recently pasted into the books via Karl Rove's secret signing statement.
Due to the extreme nature of research that went into the entry above, Cirque de Critique Blog Carnival, which was supposed to be posted here today, is postponed until tomorrow.
From this strange union of alphabetically-close-but-oh-so-distant jurists' rackets has arisen a new hybrid organization called the ACLI, or American Civil Liberties Incorcorated, a para-for-profit entity regulated under the Uniform Tax Code and allowed under Section 503(c)-M, a sub-clause recently pasted into the books via Karl Rove's secret signing statement.
Due to the extreme nature of research that went into the entry above, Cirque de Critique Blog Carnival, which was supposed to be posted here today, is postponed until tomorrow.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Sour Jocks, Round 8: Your Face and My Hockey Stick Edition
Where does goony New York Islander Chris Simon get off claiming he's a 'professional' hockey player? Any true player worth his hip pads would easily point to Simon as a phony if only by Simon's atrocious stick handling.Being a pro means sticking your shot with precision once the decision's made to take it. Simon? Simon missed badly, slightly wounding the Crosstown Rangers' Ryan Hollweg with a weak chin shot instead of one strong -- right in the temple or either orbital to finish off Hollweg as intended.
Hey, Simon. It's back to the frozen catfish farm pond for you, Skater.
Ding! Ding! Ding! Welcome to another round of Sour Jocks.
Sour Jocks Sports Carnival takes your posts on miscreantic millionaires, steroid-induced wife-beating hulks, fathers punching out Little League umpires -- and the like. To enter your posts in future editions of Sour Jocks, do so right below:
Sour Jocks is looking for hosts, too. To become one, wake up The Hippo and contact him right here where he'll set you up for you to knock 'em down!
Sour Jocks has three categories for your submissions: Sandlot, amateur and professional. Since our first entrant didn't declare his abilities in the recruiting tape sent to our GM, Sour Jocks automatically ships him to -->
Sandlot
Styling baseball as "the liberal hippie sport of choice", gunslinger Wyatt Earp presents Tell Me Again How Baseball Isn't Corrupt? posted at Support Your Local Gunfighter, saying, "It's snarky, but I think it's appropriate."
Sheriff, it may be appropriate. But is it okay to corral these same pot-smoking hippies in with baseball-loving George Bush.
Sacrilege!
Professional
David Culpepper presents Pete Rose Bet on Reds Every Night posted at SportingLink.com.
Wow! We first get arguments about Pete Rose from Sheriff Earp of above. Now Culpepper. Is Dante's Inferno as is today's professional baseball as our entrants claim? For answers, stay tuned to Sour Jocks as the season heats up this summer.
Folks, that's all. Thanks for your participation.
Labels: blog carnival, Sour Jocks
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Pace Cracks Under Phelps' Pressure
In a mildly suprising compromise between parties, Gen. Peter Pace, Chiefest of Staff, has agreed -- in a secret, don't-ask-don't-tell signing statement of sectarian significance -- to allow the inbred, cretin offspring of Rev. Fred Phelps -- of Bloody Kansas, of course -- to immediately enroll into the first available OCS, of any service, in order to meet urgent goals of recruitment.
Labels: spooferisms
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Abe's Paean to Pi: Finding Pi's 'Nth' Decimal via Newton
Welcome all to Abe Linkum's salute to today's honoree, the transcendental constant Pi. Most people don't know that every March 14th is devoted to Pi since 3.14 is a rough estimate of its value. It's Pi Day!Some people know that the number of non-repeating decimals in Pi is infinite and that many geeks try to out match each other this time of year by either attempting to recite sequentially the most decimals of Pi, or try to become the one person with the supercomputing access needed to set the record for the longest string of computed decimals -- currently set at a little over one-trillion.
Abe has done a little investigation of Pi and has concluded that one could employ Newton's Method for estimating roots of equations, such as y = sin x, to calculate the nth decimal of Pi. And by using this simple technique, huge additional quantites (exponential?) of Pi's decimals will spew out of your computational apparatus, be it a Cray supercomputer or a Crayola crayon, with each successive estimation.
Abe has drawn a rough graph of y = sin x along with three iterations of Newton's Method, demonstrating that each successive iteration comes nearer to the root of y = sin x. (X1, X2 and X3, respectively.)
The equation for Newton's Method: xn+1 = xn - f(xn)/f'(xn), also serves as a handy algorithm for you, the calculator.
And that, since the curvature of the graph y = sin x in nearly nil as it approaches its root, Pi, the amount of decimals added by, say, the estmation Xn-1 versus Xn-2 will be astronomical!Enjoy, all ye Geekazoids. Happy calculating! Don't forget to include Ole Abe when you go to accept your Fields Medal.
Next time in scence news at Abe Linkum: Abe explains the accelerating universe!
Labels: mathematics, science news
Monday, March 12, 2007
Cadets Cede Council to 'Coup for Christ' Crusaders
In a bold move by a minority group of West Point cadets eager to kiss ass of those they wish to step on while trying to climb higher to kiss at least one more -- and what was characterized as another example toward privatization of the military, with the expected blurring of public, pulpit, political and private monies as is found in most other faith-based initiatives the Bush administration promised would deliver the goods -- the West Point Chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ, an organization whose group picture dominates the extracurricular section of this year's yearbook, has taken over West Point's student council in a convert operation that commenced with the words "Code Bled".
They supposedly took their commission for this successful infiltration from somewhere within the pentacostic halls of the Pentagon. The action was trumpeted by Bush military-industrial mouthpiece and another example of public, private and pulpit funds, Salem Radio/Townhall.com, in that:
1. Public. The military provides a lot of ad revenue for Salem Radio, and Salem has to be the biggest shill for the latest weapons systems like our misdirected anti-missile system that has at best a weak performance record with results similar to the old analog days of system modelling via pen-and-ink tracings.
Ker-Pow! Blast that Bogey!
2. Private. Isn't Salem Radio Network a publicly-traded corporation that hawks its shares to individuals or groups looking to build private equity, such as tax-exempt organizations like megachurch phonies and other right-winged nuthouses that pump up the insanity.
3. Pulpit. All ye good men employed by the church -- turn your wages and tax-advantaged pension plans into shares of Salem Radio stock. Just a little sound financial advice from above if you don't want to be viewed as an unpatriotic traitor going to hell.
Sorry for getting half-tracked. The point is that we need to defiltrate these privatization movements cohabiting within our most vital public services since they've proven completely ineffective, no matter how much the underlings have prayed for their success.
Speaking of Christomatic government, did anybody see where the military is willing to pay a $2,000 per head bounty to veterans for recruiting of another's signature, and life, to the military's dotted line. Now that's moral, especially for a force that does Bush and Cheney's oil buddies' bloody business.
They supposedly took their commission for this successful infiltration from somewhere within the pentacostic halls of the Pentagon. The action was trumpeted by Bush military-industrial mouthpiece and another example of public, private and pulpit funds, Salem Radio/Townhall.com, in that:
1. Public. The military provides a lot of ad revenue for Salem Radio, and Salem has to be the biggest shill for the latest weapons systems like our misdirected anti-missile system that has at best a weak performance record with results similar to the old analog days of system modelling via pen-and-ink tracings.
Ker-Pow! Blast that Bogey!
2. Private. Isn't Salem Radio Network a publicly-traded corporation that hawks its shares to individuals or groups looking to build private equity, such as tax-exempt organizations like megachurch phonies and other right-winged nuthouses that pump up the insanity.
3. Pulpit. All ye good men employed by the church -- turn your wages and tax-advantaged pension plans into shares of Salem Radio stock. Just a little sound financial advice from above if you don't want to be viewed as an unpatriotic traitor going to hell.
Sorry for getting half-tracked. The point is that we need to defiltrate these privatization movements cohabiting within our most vital public services since they've proven completely ineffective, no matter how much the underlings have prayed for their success.
Speaking of Christomatic government, did anybody see where the military is willing to pay a $2,000 per head bounty to veterans for recruiting of another's signature, and life, to the military's dotted line. Now that's moral, especially for a force that does Bush and Cheney's oil buddies' bloody business.
Labels: Salem Radio, spooferisms, U.S. Military, war propaganda
Friday, March 09, 2007
Rove Strikes New "Legacy Template" for Bush Two-bit Token
via Salon.com
To commemorate the attempted inflation of George Bush's legacy along with the diminished value of American 'currency' -- in all aspects, around and through the world -- Karl Rove, through a secret signing statement, has contracted a private Ohio coin dealer to take over portions of U.S. minting operations so that a special two-bit, "precious alloy token" can be circulated within limited spheres of vanishing legates now residing somewhere in a backwater around the North and South Carolinian border. Confeds in arms forever.
Upon this trial run of what some numismatically-keen political experts perceive as the same highly corrosive run of limited denomination coinage typically pressed by The White House, it was suggested by Rove that "In God We Trust" be double-struck circumferentially on the tokens' edges to make certain to the remaining faithful that a clear vision to Bush's future is in the offering.
To commemorate the attempted inflation of George Bush's legacy along with the diminished value of American 'currency' -- in all aspects, around and through the world -- Karl Rove, through a secret signing statement, has contracted a private Ohio coin dealer to take over portions of U.S. minting operations so that a special two-bit, "precious alloy token" can be circulated within limited spheres of vanishing legates now residing somewhere in a backwater around the North and South Carolinian border. Confeds in arms forever.
Upon this trial run of what some numismatically-keen political experts perceive as the same highly corrosive run of limited denomination coinage typically pressed by The White House, it was suggested by Rove that "In God We Trust" be double-struck circumferentially on the tokens' edges to make certain to the remaining faithful that a clear vision to Bush's future is in the offering.
Labels: Bush, numismatics, spooferisms
Thursday, March 08, 2007
National Concern Over Cheney's Constipation
Suffering a similar stasis as the bog of Baghdad he helped create, and proudly exhibiting what has at all times been the stomach for more war, Vice President Dick Cheney's non-Walter Reed physicians have thoroughly screened the sixty-six year-old lumpkin and gave a diagnosis of chronic constipation due to increased D.C. and Afghani bunkerage -- plus long, numerous transatlantic crossings to kiss emirate ass in vain efforts to soften up their own gilded stools. An ancillary complication stemming from his peculiar 'activities' has been DVT, or deep vein thrombosis, not the DT's as may be expected.
Cheney's newest maladies have those bunkered closest to him, and a few other dead-ending loiterers, asking what will be the global impact from Cheney's impaction -- and who's to mop up the mess afterwards?
Labels: Dick Cheney, Health and Wellness, spooferisms
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Hillary's Double-wide: A Hootin' Nanny's Dream Statehouse
Look for Hillary Clinton's new double-wide to drop in on top of a hill somewhere around Mobile, not by an Alabaman tornado but by the depressed, single-wide rental voters who like The Hootin' Nanny when she drawly states that y'all 'll be good-n-plenty by votin' fer her.
Mmm, mmm! Y'all thought I's a gonna write 'bout some britches to her pantysuits.
Regardless, let's all join in a good refrain of one of R.H. Bishop's finest to place the welcome mat for Hillary's campaign:
BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HILLARY'S-CARPETBAGGING-DOUBLEWIDE-MOBILE, HO-OME
Mmm, mmm! Y'all thought I's a gonna write 'bout some britches to her pantysuits.
Regardless, let's all join in a good refrain of one of R.H. Bishop's finest to place the welcome mat for Hillary's campaign:
BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HILLARY'S-CARPETBAGGING-DOUBLEWIDE-MOBILE, HO-OME
Labels: carpetbaggers, Hillary Clinton
Monday, March 05, 2007
Cirque de Critique, Act X: The 'Troupe of Two' Edition
Can a troupe of two overtake an army of one? It's possible by looking at the state of affairs our toady, star-peduncled military brass have left to those interned.The American people are now held hostage by the costs associated with the military's expeditions and the shoddy mop-up operations by our so-called private contractors. Add this in with the GAO's siren warning of future economic hardship for most because of shoddy actuarial assumptions and spines resting on backs of velvet congressional thrones, and we will all soon be needing to serve in the National Guard for at least seventy-six quarters and doing so actively at attainment of age eighty-two in order to qualify, not for monthly Social Security retirement benefits, but the shoddy two-hundred-odd dollar death payout.
Lights. Ballast. Action! Welcome to another edition of Cirque de Critique.
Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:
Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.
Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes or rings, if you will: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All. Our troupe of two has forgot about anything being all-for-free.
For-All-Free
Avant News presents California Scientists Map God Genome posted at Avant News.
God Genome Update! Basic research proves vital once again when same scientists discover that ninety percent of God's genes are redundantly similar to Drosophila!
Free-for-All
Both Will Chen and Jessica Okon have chosen to present to Cir de Cri fans At What Price? Bounty From the Belly of the Big Box Beast posted at Wisebread.
Maybe Cir de Cri's ringmaster can also serve as ringbearer at Will and Jessica's upcoming matrimonial.
Folks, that's all. And thanks to all for your participation.
Labels: blog carnival, Cirque de Critique
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Halliburton Scrubbed as Walter Reed Operations Chief
Due to a regaining of the majority by those opposed to our malkinetic, paraguerric President -- allowing citizens a long-waited-for, somewhat clearer overview of the inherent grossness and arrogant ineptitude of The Shrubber and his general Republicans led by the nose -- Halliburton will no longer be considered the front-runner by the GOP to take over operations privately at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, finally breaking tradition of providing the most of the crappiest.
... and the move goes far in alleviating the present 'staphing' problem. That's right, kick the scum out!
(I started this as a spoof. Maybe I'll start writing non-fiction.)
... and the move goes far in alleviating the present 'staphing' problem. That's right, kick the scum out!
(I started this as a spoof. Maybe I'll start writing non-fiction.)
Labels: spooferisms, tarnished brass, U.S. Military
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Sour Jocks, Round 7: Evander Holyfinone Brand Steroid Edition
Anibolitol, Shot-and-Discinate, Pugilistinone, Balconol, Bicyclic Acid, Sprintinol. And now, Evander-Holyfinone.Ding! Ding! Ding! Welcome to another round of Sour Jocks.
Sour Jocks Sports Carnival takes your posts on miscreantic millionaires, steroid-induced wife-beaters, fathers punching out Little League umpires -- and the like. To enter your posts in future editions of Sour Jocks, do so right below:
Sour Jocks is looking for hosts, too. To become one, wake up The Hippo and contact him right here where he'll set you up for you to knock 'em down!
Sour Jocks has three categories for your submissions: Sandlot, amateur and professional.
Sandlot
Seeing that no one wants to take a swing in our sandlot league -- or amateur one, for that matter -- Abe Linkum lays down a quick bunt about a smooth hitter close to home in Akron Okay with Student/Coach Underage Sex!
Professional
Carlos Figueroa presents 23! posted at Kick Ass Offense.
If that isn't ever "'23 Skidoo!", then I don't know what qualifies.
A real fan favorite here at Abe Linkum because he has provided about the only degree of legitimacy to this blog, Jon Swift presents Tim Hardaway Makes Homophobia Look Bad posted at Jon Swift, saying, "I don't want to hear what athletes think of the War in Iraq, global warming, nuclear proliferation or gay rights. To tell you the truth, I don't even want to hear what they have to say about sports, either, but sportscasters insist on interviewing them."
Jon, I know there's a "Penny" Hardaway from the NBA. Maybe Tim is really "Puny" Hardaway which could give him a complex rare among men with similar racial makeup as his.
Ted Reimers presents Gonzaga Drug Problems posted at CampusGrotto, saying, "A basketball town with a drug problem? or a Drug town with a basketball problem? Top College Basketball star ruins career because of drugs."
Mr. Reimers, are they still licking hallucinogen-secreting toads in your neck of Washington's woods?
Folks, that's all. Thanks for your participation.
Labels: blog carnival, Sour Jocks
