Abe Linkum

U.S. Military Command? Not Very Commendable

2007-03-29T21:38:00.000-05:00

via The Swamp

“It makes no sense for politicians in Washington DC to be dictating arbitrary timelines for military commanders in a war zone 6,000 miles away." -- George Bush, recently to some Texas cattlemen disgruntled over not getting their fair share of this year's budget pork.

But it does make sense, Mr. Master-and-Commander President Bush, for politicians in Washington DC to be pressuring your hand from less than six miles, right in DC itself, to help you steer a different course so that sub-commanders under you may know when and how to adjust. That is, unless those generals and commanders are the ones with the helm in hand -- sans you, Sir.

Either way, Americans have been ill-served by the more 'elite' commanders that play the toady for you, Master George. Never mind four years of total waste and squandered momentum, if it ever was present at all. The way your top military leadership have behaved during one or another of the various scandals -- as Pat Tillman's, and families of the Walter Reid fiasco attest to -- has been cowardly childish, irresponsible and completely dishonorable.

Has honor been erased from West Point credes? Can our current crop of West Point big-brassers be labelled as 'Neo-South Park Generals'? Has West Point gone totally south and in need of a good flushin' out down ol' Potomac's way?

We have the means. It's time for the civilians to take over.

'Speaking in Tongues': A Near Brain-Death Experience

2007-03-26T20:08:00.000-05:00

Scientific inquiry is just starting to peek at what most enlightened observers have long seen in charismatic Christian sectists that perform the 'gifted' art of glossolalia, or 'speaking in tongues', in that these peculiar practitioners of palatine pummeling retard their level of brain function by burbling this babble, or glossolalia, during their communes with The Great Orator.

As ABC's Nightline recently reported, a team of University of Pennsylvania scientists with too much time on their watch have provided, through CAT-like vision, our first proof that the frontal lobes responsible for a glossolalist's past capacity to reason turns to gloppolioleo -- a new neurobiological phenomenon of regression that morphs highly differentiated neurons in higher level cerebral mechanisms toward basally-recessive, brain-stemmy globuloids that integrate input only for purposes of mass hysteria.

Sort of telencephaly turned paleocephalicy. Atavism, if you will.

'Spa Spar-300' to Feature Line of Masculine Makeup

2007-03-19T21:20:00.000-05:00

Spinning off of the success of 300, and a sure move toward a more masculine society, Spa Spar-300 is proud to announce the unveiling of its new line of masculine makeup that uses camouflaged earth tones as its foundation so that its appeal will sure to grab the attention of 'females' like Ann Coulter.

(Of course, the chicken-hawker, flabbily machismotic, 24-watchin' male movie-goer -- like Michael Savage -- is where the appeal lies for this type of product. Kind of a conservative militia man's makeover, if you will.)

Cirque de Critique, Act XI: The Bombing of Bush's Baghdaddy of a Blitzkrieg Edition

2007-03-19T21:01:00.000-05:00

All that I can say after four years of widening Middle East carnage and misery is that I'm one-hundred percent shocked and awed by our president's ability for stability in Baghdad and beyond. Thank you, Mr. President Bush. And thanks for your honesty in all matters with and before the American people.

Anyone for "4 More Years!"? How about: "Kiss my ex-Republican ass, Georgie, you smarmy SOB sack-o-shit!"

Strong language and action to follow.

Lights. Ballast. Action! Welcome to another edition of Cirque de Critique.

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes or rings, if you will: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.

For-All-Free

Briefly emerging from her closet of shyness is TherapyDoc who presents Popularity posted at Everyone needs therapy? Lessons from a family therapist, saying, "What do I do about this burning desire to ignore the person on my right, or worse yet, roast the one to my left? Why or why did my parents do this to me, make me feel guilty for NOT being nice. What were they thinking?"

Dear TherapyDoc: Will I start harboring latent pangs of guilt over now not being popular with President Bush? Please help.

Due to future out-of-control spirals of oil prices, Cir de Cri's 'All-for-Free' category has been substituted by just plain nothingness for this edition.

Free-for-All

Speaking of closeted and coming out, and proving that Ann Coulter has become the new C-PAC Shakur, Cir de Cri fans will go away from our next entry getting a good grasp of 'gay grammar' when Zimzo gives a heads up so you can C-PAC your ass off in Resolved: It's ok to call John Edwards a faggot posted at novatownhall blog, saying, "As interesting for the comments as the post itself (if not moreso)."

Okay, I get the whole C-PAC/Coulter argument that 'faggot' is just some sort of playground rhetorical device. In that case, blow it out your hole you bunch of C-pocked faggots!

So much for statesmanship.

Folks, that's all. And thanks to all for participating.

'Bongs for Christ' Unites Enemy Wings

2007-03-18T20:25:00.000-05:00

A paring of odds, from nanomic to the mere micromic, of coming to agreement on any point of law was recently hacked out by the left-winged ACLU and right-winged ACLJ over a First Amendment clash with the Bush administration regarding whether a student has the right to display religiously-themed banners such as "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" in the background of sporting events to attract attention of sportscasting directors. (John 3:16 and a bad hair day gets you ringside seats, however.)

From this strange union of alphabetically-close-but-oh-so-distant jurists' rackets has arisen a new hybrid organization called the ACLI, or American Civil Liberties Incorcorated, a para-for-profit entity regulated under the Uniform Tax Code and allowed under Section 503(c)-M, a sub-clause recently pasted into the books via Karl Rove's secret signing statement.

Due to the extreme nature of research that went into the entry above, Cirque de Critique Blog Carnival, which was supposed to be posted here today, is postponed until tomorrow.

Sour Jocks, Round 8: Your Face and My Hockey Stick Edition

2007-03-16T20:58:00.000-05:00

Where does goony New York Islander Chris Simon get off claiming he's a 'professional' hockey player? Any true player worth his hip pads would easily point to Simon as a phony if only by Simon's atrocious stick handling.

Being a pro means sticking your shot with precision once the decision's made to take it. Simon? Simon missed badly, slightly wounding the Crosstown Rangers' Ryan Hollweg with a weak chin shot instead of one strong -- right in the temple or either orbital to finish off Hollweg as intended.

Hey, Simon. It's back to the frozen catfish farm pond for you, Skater.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Welcome to another round of Sour Jocks.

Sour Jocks Sports Carnival takes your posts on miscreantic millionaires, steroid-induced wife-beating hulks, fathers punching out Little League umpires -- and the like. To enter your posts in future editions of Sour Jocks, do so right below:

Sour Jocks is looking for hosts, too. To become one, wake up The Hippo and contact him right here where he'll set you up for you to knock 'em down!

Sour Jocks has three categories for your submissions: Sandlot, amateur and professional. Since our first entrant didn't declare his abilities in the recruiting tape sent to our GM, Sour Jocks automatically ships him to -->

Sandlot

Styling baseball as "the liberal hippie sport of choice", gunslinger Wyatt Earp presents Tell Me Again How Baseball Isn't Corrupt? posted at Support Your Local Gunfighter, saying, "It's snarky, but I think it's appropriate."

Sheriff, it may be appropriate. But is it okay to corral these same pot-smoking hippies in with baseball-loving George Bush.

Sacrilege!

Professional

David Culpepper presents Pete Rose Bet on Reds Every Night posted at SportingLink.com.

Wow! We first get arguments about Pete Rose from Sheriff Earp of above. Now Culpepper. Is Dante's Inferno as is today's professional baseball as our entrants claim? For answers, stay tuned to Sour Jocks as the season heats up this summer.

Folks, that's all. Thanks for your participation.

Pace Cracks Under Phelps' Pressure

2007-03-15T20:22:00.000-05:00

In a mildly suprising compromise between parties, Gen. Peter Pace, Chiefest of Staff, has agreed -- in a secret, don't-ask-don't-tell signing statement of sectarian significance -- to allow the inbred, cretin offspring of Rev. Fred Phelps -- of Bloody Kansas, of course -- to immediately enroll into the first available OCS, of any service, in order to meet urgent goals of recruitment.

Abe's Paean to Pi: Finding Pi's 'Nth' Decimal via Newton

2007-03-14T19:07:00.000-05:00

Welcome all to Abe Linkum's salute to today's honoree, the transcendental constant Pi. Most people don't know that every March 14th is devoted to Pi since 3.14 is a rough estimate of its value. It's Pi Day!

Some people know that the number of non-repeating decimals in Pi is infinite and that many geeks try to out match each other this time of year by either attempting to recite sequentially the most decimals of Pi, or try to become the one person with the supercomputing access needed to set the record for the longest string of computed decimals -- currently set at a little over one-trillion.

Abe has done a little investigation of Pi and has concluded that one could employ Newton's Method for estimating roots of equations, such as y = sin x, to calculate the nth decimal of Pi. And by using this simple technique, huge additional quantites (exponential?) of Pi's decimals will spew out of your computational apparatus, be it a Cray supercomputer or a Crayola crayon, with each successive estimation.

Abe has drawn a rough graph of y = sin x along with three iterations of Newton's Method, demonstrating that each successive iteration comes nearer to the root of y = sin x. (X1, X2 and X3, respectively.)

The equation for Newton's Method: xn+1 = xn - f(xn)/f'(xn), also serves as a handy algorithm for you, the calculator.

And that, since the curvature of the graph y = sin x in nearly nil as it approaches its root, Pi, the amount of decimals added by, say, the estmation Xn-1 versus Xn-2 will be astronomical!

Enjoy, all ye Geekazoids. Happy calculating! Don't forget to include Ole Abe when you go to accept your Fields Medal.

Next time in scence news at Abe Linkum: Abe explains the accelerating universe!

Cadets Cede Council to 'Coup for Christ' Crusaders

2007-03-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

In a bold move by a minority group of West Point cadets eager to kiss ass of those they wish to step on while trying to climb higher to kiss at least one more -- and what was characterized as another example toward privatization of the military, with the expected blurring of public, pulpit, political and private monies as is found in most other faith-based initiatives the Bush administration promised would deliver the goods -- the West Point Chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ, an organization whose group picture dominates the extracurricular section of this year's yearbook, has taken over West Point's student council in a convert operation that commenced with the words "Code Bled".

They supposedly took their commission for this successful infiltration from somewhere within the pentacostic halls of the Pentagon. The action was trumpeted by Bush military-industrial mouthpiece and another example of public, private and pulpit funds, Salem Radio/Townhall.com, in that:

1. Public. The military provides a lot of ad revenue for Salem Radio, and Salem has to be the biggest shill for the latest weapons systems like our misdirected anti-missile system that has at best a weak performance record with results similar to the old analog days of system modelling via pen-and-ink tracings.

Ker-Pow! Blast that Bogey!

2. Private. Isn't Salem Radio Network a publicly-traded corporation that hawks its shares to individuals or groups looking to build private equity, such as tax-exempt organizations like megachurch phonies and other right-winged nuthouses that pump up the insanity.

3. Pulpit. All ye good men employed by the church -- turn your wages and tax-advantaged pension plans into shares of Salem Radio stock. Just a little sound financial advice from above if you don't want to be viewed as an unpatriotic traitor going to hell.

Sorry for getting half-tracked. The point is that we need to defiltrate these privatization movements cohabiting within our most vital public services since they've proven completely ineffective, no matter how much the underlings have prayed for their success.

Speaking of Christomatic government, did anybody see where the military is willing to pay a $2,000 per head bounty to veterans for recruiting of another's signature, and life, to the military's dotted line. Now that's moral, especially for a force that does Bush and Cheney's oil buddies' bloody business.

Rove Strikes New "Legacy Template" for Bush Two-bit Token

2007-03-09T09:57:00.000-05:00

via Salon.com

To commemorate the attempted inflation of George Bush's legacy along with the diminished value of American 'currency' -- in all aspects, around and through the world -- Karl Rove, through a secret signing statement, has contracted a private Ohio coin dealer to take over portions of U.S. minting operations so that a special two-bit, "precious alloy token" can be circulated within limited spheres of vanishing legates now residing somewhere in a backwater around the North and South Carolinian border. Confeds in arms forever.

Upon this trial run of what some numismatically-keen political experts perceive as the same highly corrosive run of limited denomination coinage typically pressed by The White House, it was suggested by Rove that "In God We Trust" be double-struck circumferentially on the tokens' edges to make certain to the remaining faithful that a clear vision to Bush's future is in the offering.

National Concern Over Cheney's Constipation

2007-03-08T22:10:00.000-05:00

Suffering a similar stasis as the bog of Baghdad he helped create, and proudly exhibiting what has at all times been the stomach for more war, Vice President Dick Cheney's non-Walter Reed physicians have thoroughly screened the sixty-six year-old lumpkin and gave a diagnosis of chronic constipation due to increased D.C. and Afghani bunkerage -- plus long, numerous transatlantic crossings to kiss emirate ass in vain efforts to soften up their own gilded stools. An ancillary complication stemming from his peculiar 'activities' has been DVT, or deep vein thrombosis, not the DT's as may be expected.

Cheney's newest maladies have those bunkered closest to him, and a few other dead-ending loiterers, asking what will be the global impact from Cheney's impaction -- and who's to mop up the mess afterwards?

Hillary's Double-wide: A Hootin' Nanny's Dream Statehouse

2007-03-07T21:50:00.000-05:00

Look for Hillary Clinton's new double-wide to drop in on top of a hill somewhere around Mobile, not by an Alabaman tornado but by the depressed, single-wide rental voters who like The Hootin' Nanny when she drawly states that y'all 'll be good-n-plenty by votin' fer her.

Mmm, mmm! Y'all thought I's a gonna write 'bout some britches to her pantysuits.

Regardless, let's all join in a good refrain of one of R.H. Bishop's finest to place the welcome mat for Hillary's campaign:

BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HILLARY'S-CARPETBAGGING-DOUBLEWIDE-MOBILE, HO-OME

Cirque de Critique, Act X: The 'Troupe of Two' Edition

2007-03-05T20:02:00.000-05:00

Can a troupe of two overtake an army of one? It's possible by looking at the state of affairs our toady, star-peduncled military brass have left to those interned.

The American people are now held hostage by the costs associated with the military's expeditions and the shoddy mop-up operations by our so-called private contractors. Add this in with the GAO's siren warning of future economic hardship for most because of shoddy actuarial assumptions and spines resting on backs of velvet congressional thrones, and we will all soon be needing to serve in the National Guard for at least seventy-six quarters and doing so actively at attainment of age eighty-two in order to qualify, not for monthly Social Security retirement benefits, but the shoddy two-hundred-odd dollar death payout.

Lights. Ballast. Action! Welcome to another edition of Cirque de Critique.

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes or rings, if you will: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All. Our troupe of two has forgot about anything being all-for-free.

For-All-Free

Avant News presents California Scientists Map God Genome posted at Avant News.

God Genome Update! Basic research proves vital once again when same scientists discover that ninety percent of God's genes are redundantly similar to Drosophila!

Free-for-All

Both Will Chen and Jessica Okon have chosen to present to Cir de Cri fans At What Price? Bounty From the Belly of the Big Box Beast posted at Wisebread.

Maybe Cir de Cri's ringmaster can also serve as ringbearer at Will and Jessica's upcoming matrimonial.

Folks, that's all. And thanks to all for your participation.

Halliburton Scrubbed as Walter Reed Operations Chief

2007-03-04T00:17:00.000-05:00

Due to a regaining of the majority by those opposed to our malkinetic, paraguerric President -- allowing citizens a long-waited-for, somewhat clearer overview of the inherent grossness and arrogant ineptitude of The Shrubber and his general Republicans led by the nose -- Halliburton will no longer be considered the front-runner by the GOP to take over operations privately at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, finally breaking tradition of providing the most of the crappiest.

... and the move goes far in alleviating the present 'staphing' problem. That's right, kick the scum out!

(I started this as a spoof. Maybe I'll start writing non-fiction.)

Sour Jocks, Round 7: Evander Holyfinone Brand Steroid Edition

2007-03-01T20:01:00.000-05:00

Anibolitol, Shot-and-Discinate, Pugilistinone, Balconol, Bicyclic Acid, Sprintinol. And now, Evander-Holyfinone.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Welcome to another round of Sour Jocks.

Sour Jocks Sports Carnival takes your posts on miscreantic millionaires, steroid-induced wife-beaters, fathers punching out Little League umpires -- and the like. To enter your posts in future editions of Sour Jocks, do so right below:

Sour Jocks is looking for hosts, too. To become one, wake up The Hippo and contact him right here where he'll set you up for you to knock 'em down!

Sour Jocks has three categories for your submissions: Sandlot, amateur and professional.

Sandlot

Seeing that no one wants to take a swing in our sandlot league -- or amateur one, for that matter -- Abe Linkum lays down a quick bunt about a smooth hitter close to home in Akron Okay with Student/Coach Underage Sex!

Professional

Carlos Figueroa presents 23! posted at Kick Ass Offense.

If that isn't ever "'23 Skidoo!", then I don't know what qualifies.

A real fan favorite here at Abe Linkum because he has provided about the only degree of legitimacy to this blog, Jon Swift presents Tim Hardaway Makes Homophobia Look Bad posted at Jon Swift, saying, "I don't want to hear what athletes think of the War in Iraq, global warming, nuclear proliferation or gay rights. To tell you the truth, I don't even want to hear what they have to say about sports, either, but sportscasters insist on interviewing them."

Jon, I know there's a "Penny" Hardaway from the NBA. Maybe Tim is really "Puny" Hardaway which could give him a complex rare among men with similar racial makeup as his.

Ted Reimers presents Gonzaga Drug Problems posted at CampusGrotto, saying, "A basketball town with a drug problem? or a Drug town with a basketball problem? Top College Basketball star ruins career because of drugs."

Mr. Reimers, are they still licking hallucinogen-secreting toads in your neck of Washington's woods?

Folks, that's all. Thanks for your participation.

Cheney Bombing Update: Dick to Receive Medal of Honor

2007-02-28T22:07:00.000-05:00

Apparently reporting from inside an abatis abutting Dick Cheney's bunker, Political Cortex gives a stirring account of yet another typical Walterian send-off by the Bushies so Dick Cheney can retire with full, unearned regalia -- just like the the ones all of those co-dependents had with J. Paul's bash and Rummy's final romp around Arlington National Cemetery.

Take a Fantasy 'Cheney Recon Weekend'!

2007-02-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

Abe Linkum cordially invites the remaining twenty-seven percent of Americans still lapping up the Middle Eastern course dished out by BushCo without finishing off the entire stock of bromides to retrace Dick Cheney's recent historic steps through Pak-Afghanistan by taking an exciting, Fantasy Talibani Recon Weekend!

It's here where you'll finally, after all of that pent up deferment, experience the thrills of actual military reconnaissance after we first provide you with an excellent breakfast and then as a high-level target to crazed tribesmen by air-dropping you into the Khyber Pass in a T-shirt that says Moo-ham-ed Can Go Eat Qud!. Our technique allows you to one-up the VeePee since you'll flush out Talibani faster than Dick would a Texas lawyer in the wilds of Wyoming.

Do your duty and sign up today!

Akron Okay with Student/Coach Underage Sex!

2007-02-27T20:27:00.000-05:00

via The Akron Beacon-Journal

Hey Coach, throw me those balls!

After allegedly admitting to proclivities for underaged female tight-ends, Akron Buchtel High School football coach, Claude Brown, will now serve administrative leave -- paid, no doubt -- where he can continue with recruitment efforts.

Bush's Importance on Being Delusional

2007-02-22T08:24:00.000-05:00

via The Plain Dealer

How increasingly isolated our president must be to exhibit the recent spate of delusional behaviors eminating from his high seat somewhere in a bunker built lower than the one just built to house his stool. George the Grand, giving the U.S. grand mal siezures by his processes and deliverences since 2001.

Rudy Giuliani must have really set off Bush's penchant for princely permutations when he compared the President to Honest Abe, the Rail Splitter. First of all, clearin' Texas tumbleweeds ain't splittin' rails in In-dee-an-ee -- or Kentucky or Illinois, for that matter.

Heck, some Lincoln cabinet members even referred to Abe as "the original ape". Maybe we need to think of Bush as 'the original chimp'.

Then came the delusion to 'the original George W.' -- you know, the cherry-pickin' W now long deceased with a D.C. after his name -- in some sort of weird, reducted Washington whitewash.

Now comes the delusive character Bush's newest, messaged machination that Britain's troop pull-out is a sure sign of his policy's success in Iraq. What, now Pyrrhus?

Cafaro "Not Comfortable" with "Specifics" of Ohio School Funding

2007-02-21T21:00:00.000-05:00

via Vindy.com

Demonstrating that she's on top of the big problems facing Ohio with the fresh, young perspective expected after her highly anticipated, bought-and-paid-for senatorial debut, State Senator Capri Cafaro said she's "not comfortable" discussing specifics on the matter of school funding but offered a suggestion to curtail Medicaid funding, some no doubt to Trumbull County senior citizens who were previously under Cafaro's advisement, to help defray the cost of babysitting Ohio's schoolkids.

In the same press release, Sen. Cafaro did seem to be more in her element when she expressed an aptitude for handling Trumbell and Ashtabula County septic system issues. Be assured that Abe Linkum will keep all informed as to how it all comes out.

Cirque de Critique, Act IX: A Presidents Day Pile-up

2007-02-18T20:02:00.000-05:00

Americans are making this Presidents Day a real gas. Pennsylvania's pikes were left a parking lot after snowy smash-ups. Per course, the Daytona 500 Auto Jam ends up in another, with an unusual fiery flip-side for one lucky racer who was left to finish not right-side-up. Then there's the pile-up of aircraft carrier groups in the Persian Gulf for security purposes -- oil's and gas', that is.

Lights. Ballast. Action! Welcome to another edition of Cirque de Critique.

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes or rings, if you will: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.

All-for-Free

Aching for a big American, corporately low-densitized lipoid burger is Britain's own Bill Chapman. Mr. Chapman likes 'em fatty and fast at Leopards and Spots and Cardiothoracic Surgery posted at Tales of the Masked Avenger.

With all of that lard clogging things up, Mr. Chapman's salad days may soon be over.

LolaLondon presents 12. A Rose by Any Other Name posted at L'undone, saying, "Here is a tale of high-weirdness, big love, cyber-crime and the mutual insane obsession of two people that never even met. This blog is the true story of how it happened."

Chapter 13: Thorny Situation Occurs When Meeting Never Happens, Again!

Free-for-All

In true, vaunted, free-for-all fashion, we find that feminist Texan panties are getting "all in a twist" about mandated government intrusion so massively profitable pharmaceutical giants can become more so when Jamila Akil presents Texas Gov. Perry Issues Executive Order Forcing 6th Grade Girls To Receive HPV Vaccinations posted at Jamila Akil, saying, "The opinion of one feminist who disagrees with many other feminists about mandating vaccination with Gardasil."

Folks, that's all and thanks to all.

Last Bush Neuron Saved by Stem Cell Funds!

2007-02-15T20:39:00.000-05:00

In a frantic effort to save the last withering neuron last seen floating somewhere in a cavity where the Commander-in-Chief's pons used to reside, Karl Rove, given the legal go-ahead by Generalisimo Gonzalez through a flimsy signing statement fully endorsed by dead-ending supporters, established a top secret Pentagon account -- hidden, always hidden from his social conservative base -- to fund emergency embryonic stem cell research focused to attain the specific therapeutic benefits for Bush's neuron.

Giuliani Channels Old Abe in Visions of Bush

2007-02-14T21:01:00.000-05:00

Operating in a universe unknown -- possibly parallel but at the same time far, far away -- Rudy Giuliani, in a bid to court GOP conservatives to his chiefly cause by demonstrating delusional thoughts similar to those attending Sunday charismatic services as well as in Pat Robertson's daily TV Jesus briefing, compared Bush's Iraq Wars vision and predicament to those faced by Abraham Lincoln during America's Civil War. His delusions occured at New Hamphire's last standing GOP meeting hall.

A little scrutiny and honor's in order when one so easily throws Honest Abe's hat in with George Bush's. Let's detail the similarities or parallels, if you will, between the two great commanders and uniters:

One was integral in the formation of the GOP with the other presiding over its destruction.

One led troops in The Blackhawk War, the other in Blackhawk Down.

One is so incredibly removed from the people, bunkered down below in the bowels of D.C. with the vice-commander, telling those who disagree with him to go eff themselves while trying to brew the right bromide to keep America's stomach from vomiting in projectile fashion when they view Iraq's carcass and Iran's soon-to-be blood-stained carpets.. The other kept an open office to all citizens, both humble and powerful alike, and frequently stated his deepest desire to continue this practice to those near that tried to persuade him otherwise.

One waged war once attacked. The other continues to decide to be the attacker for the sake of waging war.

One came from legendary humble beginnings and was completely self-made. From an early age he was given increasing responsibilities to reward his trustworthiness and fair dealings. The other's daddy was the CIA's director, then President and easily placed his son in various positions of power -- where the son failed in all such placements and responsibilities.

Then there's that "Honest" moniker to contend with.

There is one, true similarity between the two Presidents that Giuliani should have shed light on in order for his analogy to fit at all: Both Presidents had miserable, unpopular drunks for Veeps.

Bush Recieves Key to Baghdad After Hatchet "Benchmarks" Job

2007-02-09T23:50:00.000-05:00

After hacking away at too much of everything -- lives, treasures, time, strategic advantage, good-will, etc. -- George Bush has finally reached his first benchmark in the war on terrorism. He can now claim that the Green Zone is secure. Huzzah!

Because of this long-awaited achievement, the City of Baghdad will present to George a backdoor key to Sadr City! This will fit nicely into the lock to the small closet he and his advisers huddle in to make sure his legacy leaves as a 'victory war President'.

A very nice pay-off, indeed.

And now the American citizenry has been invited to gaze once again on George Bush's Iraqi handiwork, straight from the elbow of the master. This shop class flunky has finally notched a set of way uberdue, ill-defined and unrealistic "benchmarks" that Iraqis will supposedly follow to curry military favors of The Pentagon for militia-of-the-week payouts to pals.

All of this just to form a last chance of any consensus out a dwindled and played out base -- as well as an ass extricating measure.

(On a side note, Bob Gates says that "...we are not planning for a war with Iran." Those college deans can lie with the best of 'em.)

Cafaro Stars in "Lady of the Knights of Lordstown Big Labor"!

2007-02-07T20:55:00.000-05:00

Beep, beep. I'm in a rush to buy tickets to newly minted and appointed, State Sen. Capri "Cappi" Cafaro's production of auto industry state giveaways. Her rookie stage act looks to further clean out the hemorrhagic American auto industry of any remaining competitiveness, at least in her district, by asking that the state look the other way as GM reneges on a $36.6 million credit commitment to Ohio's lawyer-beleaguered Bureau of Workers Compostation.

The theory behind the giveaway seems that Ohio's forgiveness of GM's obligation to back self-insured injury claims would go far to help Ohioans forget that future claims aren't the real reason for GM's slide, and that fiscal throw-aways to irresponsible auto corporations apparently provides the desired placebo effect for Ohio's auto workers as thoughts of Lordstown plant closure race and pain from real injuries ache -- just like in Lorain. Go ahead, rub it in.

This should not surpise any one. In the past couple of years -- and as Cappi was traipsing about Ohio in search of a temporary home to lay her carpeted bags a spell, finally landing with a thud somewhere in Lorain County with a smashing defeat at the hands of her Democratic primary opponent, Betty Sutton -- Ohioans were treated to a number of peculiar, half-hour political adse starring Cappi and some bad actors from Lorain and Youngstown that were obviously paid minimum union wages. The ad was for 'the future of families' or some other such nonsense and was all very cheesy with a queue of 'townsmen' with satiny, Local 5842 jackets at the mike to fire pre-programmed queries at Cappi to start her renditions of pre-programmed responses.

It was all very bad and surely led to her appointment to Ohio's state senate. It also seemingly makes Cappi a great candidate for the US Senate since, as the current Ohio Democratic propaganda states, Cappi's not influenced by laborious interest groups due to her heiriness. She's a rich, young, up-n-comer who can't be bought!

She has made it. For me, I'm going across county lines to the mattress sale at her daddy's Youngstown mall since there's a big surplus from nobody buyin'. No jobs.

Will Hillary Hold Up Hugo's Citgo Stations?

2007-02-07T01:02:00.000-05:00

Even though oil profits are insanely grotesque but still within palatability for sake of our insatiaty, and that Hillary Clinton yearns to nationalize American oil companies in the visage of her fellow socialitic, Boss Hugo Chavez, while never minding just for old times -- will she have the mangos to also sieze Chavez' Citgo profits stolen everyday at American gas pumps, many in inner-city areas, at rates equaling or exceeding Exxon's, to feed Baby Hugo's budding Megalo-MiniMart of Marxian proportions? Or hers?

Maybe Venezuela will be treated as an offshore tax loophole.

Arrests to Increase in Need to Fill DEA DNA Pledge Drive!

2007-02-06T23:21:00.000-05:00

...and prison populations look to increase to fill a desire for cheap corporate, prison slave labor in an effort to compete economically with the Chinese!

Military Brass Finally Tells Truth Around Four Things!

2007-02-05T21:32:00.000-05:00

Those things? Choppers. Materiel.

From Pat Tillman til Iraq's recent roto-routers, The Pentagon can't tell a straight story. Why do our vaunted brass act today so cowardly? Can't they stand up like men and take consequences or heat? Maybe it's that they've been operating from too long of range for too long of time and that all taken Bush's oath of fealty.

This latest admission by the military that insurgents in fact can shoot down our helicopters is a rarity of candor issueing within The Pentagon and deals mainly with materiel and micro-tactics. Knowing this administration and its over all lackeyness, it'll be its last.

Cirque de Critique, Act. VIII: Super Battleship Bowl Edition

2007-02-04T17:24:00.000-05:00

George Bush's leading the three-ringed, bracket-buster Battleship tournament happening early in this edition of Cirque de Critique and in the Persian Gulf! A strategic error concerning placement of his PT boat behind the cruiser in the second round might spell disaster for not only the good Bush name, but for those named American.

Lights. Ballast. Action!

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes and/or rings: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All. This edition's focus is on the free-for-all and a bit on the family.

Free-for-All

Because Bush's blab schooling didn't turn out as did Old Abe's, Avant News reports that the 110th Congress Passes No President Left Behind Act posted at Avant News. Thanks for the update, Ion.

Cir de Cri's house counselor, Linda Freedman, reminds us not to get caught in a paradoxic box since that could lead to hazards to one's mental health -- at least from the inside, not out at The Paradox posted at Everyone needs therapy? Lessons from a family therapist, saying, "For some people, a good therapeutic paradox zips over their heads. They miss the intervention and don't make any changes. (Imagine that.) Others, however, see the sublime simplicity and irresistibly, succombe."

Standing in for our fat, singing lady to end this edition as a kind of oleo out-caller, Craig Harper presents Politically Correct Crap. posted at Renovate your life with Craig, saying, "Recently I was giving one of my motivational talks and I used the expression, 'fat bloke'.

Following the presentation a woman approached me to let me know that I had offended her with my 'language'. When she told me that 'fat' was the offensive word, I nearly fell down.

I said: "1. he was a bloke and 2. he was fat....what's offensive?"

Then she really hated me."

Mr. Harper adds that "I'm sick of people creating new labels for fat in order to make us feel better ...." Okay, then how about 'Glycerated Guy'. Maybe 'Lipidal Lad' or just 'Lipidnic' for short. Sorry, I'm just trying to move the discussion floorward.

Folks, that's all. Go Bears.

Bush's "Sprint to Finish" Portends Hamstrung Capabilities

2007-02-01T11:00:00.000-05:00

With two short years left in his enfeebled presidency, George Bush has decided that he will "sprint to the finish" in order to finish off what's left of U.S. treasures. No one knows what his "finish" will be. Is it another line out of his terrorist playbook? Or, could it possibly be some secret, hidden tape of him and Condi sneaking a quickie in his underground bunker?

Some things are certain as Bush attempts to kick it up a notch. For one, our constitution will be assaulted further as he tries to grab more wartime, dictatorial powers ginned up by his actions in the Middle East. But this will probably lead to Bush's pulling up lame somewhere around the thirty-meter mark during his race to imperial glory. A big tumble should follow due to subsequent knee-jerking from crashing into too many hurdles. Then there's always the cinder rash from the burn part of crash-and-burn.

Please pass the Ben-Gay.

Bush Impressed by Iraqi Call-up of A-10 Warthogs

2007-01-31T21:49:00.000-05:00

After an initial rout of American-trained, multi-billion dollar-backed Iraqi forces by wholly insane, Najafian apocalyptics who shared a group vision of joining Pastor John Hagee's end-of-the-world crusade, President George Bush, an ironic devotee of Hagee's delphic Doomsday deliveries declared that, "The Iraqis are beginning to show me something" after Iraqi forces ran away to hide while calling in Warthog 30 mm Gatling guns to stifle the holy belligerents.

Overall, an impressive show of pressing through political ends by miltary means. Very impressive, Mr. Bush. Although, it must be hard to staff and train a competent Iraqi army when anyone worthwhile for your cause has either been killed or run out of the country.

Iran to Backfill Bush's $1 Trillion Hole

2007-01-30T18:49:00.000-05:00

Someone has to take over the responsibility for the soon-to-be one-trillion dollar Iraqi power vacuum created by George Bush's war machination. Iran looks to be the sweep since it's right next door and Bush has done such a fine job of calculation along with the depletion of our force capabilities.

What's George's brand, anyway? Is his vac an Oreck or a wreck? It's probably a wreck from all the inside mess created while playing war.

Cheney Grandkid Granted Deferment In Utero

2007-01-25T20:59:00.000-05:00

The Fightin' Cheneys are again showing their mettle. In the bold, classic, go-eff-yourself manner that has so endeared the man to all touched, Dick Cheney, in order to keep the Cheney heritage true to its fighting form and as a shower present for his preggo-yet-gayo daughter, Mary, has decreed that his newly minted grandclod will have a blanket military deferment perpetually granted to it. And, that such deferments are automatically granddaddied into and for all successive Cheney generations through a double-secret signing statement by and of The President.

Cirque de Critique, Act VII: Pre-POTUS/SOTU Headache Edition

2007-01-22T19:46:00.000-05:00

While George Bush attempts to steal home, mind you from first, by vainly appealing to his dwindled base during his SOTU address, so too should you realize he's caught in a rundown and will be out soon. Huzzah.

And huzzah to: Lights. Ballast. Action!

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. To be a ringmaster, contact The Hippo right here and ask to do so.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes and/or rings: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.

All-for-Free

Some say a pinch of fiscal restraint in one's earlier years goes a long way later on -- just ask of Einstein's opinion of compounding interest. But Andrea Dickson thinks otherwise in Bourgeoisie Guilt: Can I Conquer My Vanity for the Sake of My Sanity? posted at Wise Bread. This story also gives testimony to the ancient maxim of opposites attracting, if for only the sake of the ability to stay within the current bourgeoiety.

Non-confrontist/perfectionist that I am, going overbread with the lox may be a bit too much before Happy Hour. But not so with Linda Freedman in That Bagel and Cream Cheese at Everyone needs therapy? Lessons from a family therapist, saying, "People who just have to tell you what to do, who have to criticize to the point of showing you what you're doing wrong when you make the sandwich of your dreams, simply have to be confronted. But in a nice way, an irrefutable way. TherapyDoc presents her version of confronting the criticizer."

Will Chen presents Bourgeoisie Guilt: Can I Conquer My Vanity for the Sake of My Sanity? posted at Wisebread, saying, "Andrea examines why she feels compelled to spend more than she can afford."

Who's Will Chen?

Free-for-All

On science watch, Avant News pre-alerts the readership that Einstein's opinion on compounding interest may not be so swell now that God Loses Dice, as ever priesciently posted at Avant News.

I guess the pachyderms didn't want three rings after all along with them being for-all-free since they took out one in a rampage and have since been corraled as humanly possible. Hopefully by Act VIII all will be re-erected. Thanks for your patronage. Watch your step on the way out.

Carnival of the Godless: 'The Power of One' Edition

2007-01-21T18:12:00.000-05:00

As nave for this edition of COTG, Abe Linkum welcomes all meeting and invites those who want to enter their posts in future COTG's to do so right below on An Icon of the Godless:

A particular thanks must go to Abe's sponsors -- TV whore for christ sakers, Paula White, plus the (in)finiteness of the number one -- just for your halloiety and my numerotheoscopy in our current season of invernality and incapacitance.

Why Paula White not Abdul? Because White rakes in more by being more the idol for the filthy lucre.

Why the number one let alone another simple number named e? It's since there's enough infinity in one to fill up any deic's chariot if one could only count how many angels cared to dance on top of a pinhead and not for parchmental purposes. Gods should have went and gone by the numbers. But even after revelations, humans haven't yet caught up with it all. Tribalism's been hard to shake.

... let's see all the others' take:

Observing that a WSJ editorialist was peeved about atheists alarmed by "...the fevered fancies of the God-intoxicated among us" and the saturation of military 'economies' produced by such pitchedness, Alon Levy presents Anti-Atheism is Misguided posted at Abstract Nonsense, saying, "This post shows how one anti-atheist op-ed in the Wall Street Journal makes the same kind of argument that was used against labor liberalism in the late 1800s and against the civil rights movement in the 1950s and 60s."

Watch out Alon. Those new weapon systems in the works may be heading toward yours. Gotta love our new, 'private' military set under conservative rule. They used to call 'em "company men" or company "dicks", if you will. Except now, they're for oil's, not coal's sake.

UberKuh presents Three Basic Problems with Christianity posted at UberKuh - The Artistic Atheist.

Huh! To think that all of this time I thought the problems arose from the fathers, sons, and ghosts categories.

The power of one couldn't budge our next entrant. Neither may you since I couldn't click in to his post. You might sport more special powers, so let me know by trying Mike Haubrich perhaps presenting Mikism is Humanism Writ Small posted at Latest entries from tuibguy.messagemonster.com, saying, "Here is an explanation of how a religion can be satisfactory for an atheist. It is a religion of one."

COTG's resident odist-in-the-house, Steve Snyder/SocraticGadfly, presents a nice and agile post-it poem about some guys taking on monkish authority in an attempt to polish their inner tarnishments in Verbal judo on Zen posted at The Philosophy of the Socratic Gadfly, saying, "Summary: A brief poem on the self-referential illogic behind Zen koans"

Accurately finding that the trend of decline in sales of Pat Robertson's Miracle Health Shakes bodes well for the over-all being of the country's mental sanity, J-Bar presents What I'm Optimistic About posted at Lord J-Bar For Democracy, Not Theocracy, saying, "After reading Edge.com's essays on what preeminent thinkers are optimistic about, I thought I'd share my own hopes."

Akusai presents Ridiculosity posted at Action Skeptics, saying, "In this post, I deal with some of my misgivings with Trey Parker, one of the creators of South Park, and how his rather absurd belief structure influences the way he portrays atheism on his show."

Not only that, Akusai, but I hear all of Parker's cels recently froze-up due to his inherent entropismoticuity!

Spinning well after Mary Baker Eddy became intimately integral with earth -- Scott Lee, a practitioner of "Religious Science" -- presents What is God? posted at Dirty Mechanism.

In a totally different spirit, one where Jesus loves all the little bastards, Jeff Matheny presents Screw the Holy Spirit: Jesus Was a Bastard - TheGayBlackJew.com posted at The Gay Black Jew, saying, "This is simply an example of rational thought mixed with tremendous irony."

Demonstrating superb patience with the pains of the world, Brandon Peele, while building a "...framework for examining human experience on a microscopic sensory level", sat in for us to present Second 10-day Vipassana Sit posted at GT.

Hmm. I've always wondered if such exercises could produce long-term effects by altering gene expression, as would also free will if true.

If one's up for a word dissection, Sean J. Vaughan (on behalf of the author Dan Barker) presents Atheism Defined posted at Reason and Rhyme. After slicing and dicing, Barker attains the nth derivation of the word and gets to its precise meaning by providing a full range of atheism, from soft to hard atheism.

Okay, then. I'm now lost.

Mitochondrial plasmids aresure to run amok now that God has lost more than his marbles. Avant News, in a vice patrol-like exposition of astronomical hanky-panky that shows Einstein being played for the fool he was, presents God Loses Dice posted at Avant News.

Sister Novena cracks the rule on the knuckless of faith, only to find the fickle fingers of faith faltering under wraps in The Atheism Thing posted at Sister Novena's PortaPulpit.

Martin Rundkvist presents Aardvarchaeology: Book Review: Davis & Rauner, Visionary State posted at Aardvarchaeology.

Martin Rundkvist presents No Rest for the Christians posted at Aardvarchaeology.

Ask yourself this question: Am I proud of being a Sunday school drop-out? Stephen Littau writes that you should be proud and that the Southern Baptist Convention scholars flunked their basic hydro-dynamics course at bible college in Sunday School Science Lesson posted at Fearless Philosophy For Free Minds.

Hemant presents Interview with Brian Sapient of The Blasphemy Challenge posted at Friendly Atheist, saying, "This was an interview I did with one of the creators of the Blasphemy Challenge, the YouTube phenomenon."

Jerry Monaco presents Desire for Hell: Thoughts of a Jesuitical Atheist on Jonathan Edwards posted at Shandean Postscripts to Politics, Philosophy, & Culture:, saying, "This is a poem on Jonathan Edwards' famous fire and brimstone sermon. The real impact of the sermon, in my view, is the longing for the horrors of hell."

Evil Bender (Israel Wasserstein) presents Case study: how fundamentalism warps your sense of morality posted at Notes from Evil Bender, saying, "I thought this brief post discussing how fundamentalism is antithetical to morality might be of interest."

vjack presents Religious Indoctrination as Child Abuse? posted at Atheist Revolution.

Barry Mahfood presents The Question of Belief posted at The Price of Rice!.

Will creationistic-minded people once again start hanging cats as omens of evil? Find out as Greg Lammers presents Charles Darwin and the Cat Slight posted at Free Mind Joe.

COTG -- Sunday sunset meeting time

2007-01-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's brethrenal gathering of Carnival of the Godless, given by yours truly, will be a sunset meeting starting at 6 PM EST witht its main theme brought to you by the number one!

Sour Jocks: Punchdrunk with Mike Tyson in Round 6 Edition

2007-01-15T22:55:00.000-05:00

Ding! Ding! Ding! Another round of Sour Jocks begins where Mark McWired left off.

Sour Jocks Sports Carnival takes your posts on miscreant millionaires, steroid-induced wife-beaters, fathers punching out Little League umpires -- and the like. If you'd like to enter your posts in future editions of Sour Jocks, do so right below:

Sour Jocks is looking for hosts, too. To become one, wake up The Hippo and contact him right here where he'll set you up for you to knock them down!

Sour Jocks has three categories for your submissions: Sandlot, amateur and professional.

Sandlot

Since our first entrant didn't specify which level of field to enter, your Sour Jocks commissioner assigns Vahid Chaychi into 'sandlot' only for rounding purposes of having at least one sandlot entrant. Mr. Chaychi gives a primer of physical problems other than ramped rage relating to steroid use and would like to karate chop the users and their chemists in Doping and Cancer Kill Athletes Cruelly posted at Healthoma.com.

...which is a kinda funny title since it means 'health tumor'.

Amateur

Further filling out tonight's card is a throw-in from the commissioner to insure this ranking shows one more dive from Mike Tyson -- another celebrity taking time out for rehab. In a decisive moment, Tyson took a timeout from rehab before submitting to authorities after a zany drug spree not involving tattoos.

Professional

A truly gigantic basketball fan and showing well in the run for Best of Asia weblogging, Dan Harris argues that China's growing pains are similar to a young athlete reaching regional stardom and knowing it, only to be brought down a notch when realizing he's only one of many similar talents playing at the next level. Mr. Harris also states that "Yao Ming ain't all that" at China And Yao Ming Rising? posted at China Law Blog.

So goes another round of Sour Jocks. Where's the cardgirl?

Oden Volunteers Comic Relief In and On Game Briefs

2007-01-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

via Bill Livingston @ The Plain Dealer

After giving a stand-up performance against Tennessee while playing just one-handed to gain fifty-something rebounds, Greg Oden, Hoosiers-wanted-him-to-be and budding Buckeye stand-up comic, volunteered some locker room humor in response to futile, Tennessee attempts at hacking at his woodliness. Warming up reporters in the post-hop, Oden deadpanned that a Volunteer "... put his leg between my legs ..." and would " ... get two hands in my back." Oden cracked further with the punch line: "My butt was out for a second. I'm dead serious, too. I felt a little wind chill."

I don't know if this is all tall tales about this year's warm Ohio winter or just a bit of cooling down after the game, but think about Oden's delivery when he gets both hands in play. And, maybe Oden really is serious since he probably gets a better draw on prevailing currents.

Breaking Headlines of Today's Science: Bush Power Surge Edition

2007-01-10T20:47:00.000-05:00

Beltway Production of Conventional Manifold Densities in a Bose-Einstein Condensate Leading to Complete Corporeal Stasis and Laminar Thinking

-- Science and Wealth with Key to the Grifters, March, 2007

Cirque de Critique, Act VI: The Issue of Hangovers

2007-01-07T20:26:00.000-05:00

The seasonal nog wore hard on the ringmaster -- so hard that he has been given temporary pachyderm poop-scoop duty just to clear his head! Old, smelly salts need not apply!

Lights. Ballast. Action! Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. To be a ringmaster, contact The Hippo right here and ask to do so.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes and/or rings: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.

All-for-Free

Seeing that this edition is short of entrants due to liberties taken with the nog, Abe Linkum's going to throw one in that illustrates a futuristic look at embryonic stem cell research gone asunder in: Failure of Embryonic Stem Cell Research Leads to New Hope for America's Public School Kids. Enjoy!

Free-for-All

Our next entrant certainly isn't looking for The Anarchist's Cookbook at his local library and, apparently, has concluded that man isn't capable as a self-regulating mechanism since Corey presents The Problem With Anarchy (Short Version) posted at myopiniononeverything.com.

Corey must be from the 'new school'. He presents evidence that, nowadays, all school campuses have a class of anarchic artistes that draw "the anarchy symbol"? Not in my day, Corey. I don't even know what that symbol looks like. Is it a scatter plot? As far as our high school's band was concerned, our symbol for anarchy was an E# key signature. And, the only other thing symbolic of anarchy at our school was the students' general behavior.

...and the curtain falls on another act of Cir de Cri. Thanks to all for participating.

Postcards from The Kremlin

2007-01-04T17:56:00.000-05:00

In an amteurish attempt at out-pooty-pootin' Putin, George Bush, in another infamous signing statement no doubt boldly stroked but poorly spelled, has decided it's within his dictates to pry that last piece of postalic privacy away from your rightful hands and into his demi-tsar-stained mitts for his perusal. Mitts, mind you, that have never been in a real scrape.

And there's the rub. Since he has never had to truly mix it up, George knows he would get an out-and-out, ole-timey butt-kickin' by his rival, Pooty, if such a grudge match were to take place. Unfortunately -- and at the receiving end of Bush's mal-machismotic, if not now wholly Katerinic complexity -- Americans get hit with the corporality of it along with cash payments due on delivery.

With privacy returned to sender and supposed sacred rights now lumped in with the junk-mailings, it shouldn't suprise people if the term 'going postal' takes new meaning.

Frantic Grand Jury Forecloses Tracts of Cleveland Peculators!

2007-01-04T07:24:00.000-05:00

via The Plain Dealer

Jury duty has become one of just a few remaining growth industries sprouting from Cleveland's soiled economy now that scores of land sharks have been beached and the value of the city's barrens are left without their only remaining price prop called fraudulent appraisals. Cleveland's situation in one word? Bleak.

When Embryos Get to Heaven

2006-12-27T21:25:00.000-05:00

Since Scripture promises a forever heavenly stint for "...he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven"(Matt 7:21) and for those who "...change and become like little children..."(Matt 18:3), it's obvious that, as the littlest children, embryos sacrificed at the altar of science would be the first taken and last forsaken. The others chosen -- most undoubtedly all grown up and sporting shiny, ungnashed teeth -- shall run into a mess of human embryonic spirits, or souls, if you will, during one's bright eternity with blessed human kin.

Initially rejoicing in reunes with these tiny seraphs, a realization of the scene might smite one's being in the moment. To prepare for such baptisms of brethrenal blasticity, one should ask a few questions before the ever after.

Do embryonic souls still look embryonic, or do they just grow up quickly by reaching the firmament?

What language would these critters speak? Do they speak in some universal tongue? Since embryos haven't yet developed a tongue, how do they speak it? Is it by some sort of Vulcan mind-meld or trans-ectodermic induction?

Similarly, can these morular mobs see you -- you know, as one of the 'saints' -- as well as you can see them?

Are the self-anointing oils that are used so extensively due to the brilliance of heaven's inhabitants as effective on the embryos' cherubic tissues? Or, are the sins of their flesh immediately washed away in a bloodbath?

If they have yet to develop ears, do they appreciate lyrical music?

Are cherubim older siblings of theirs, or evil step-relations?

Do embryos automatically go into the "born-again" class of Christian?

Again regarding sainthood: Do they immediately become one of the saints or do they need to develop more in order to self-anoint themselves?

Do they develop in vitro or in ethero?

These are just a few questions to bolster the spirits.

Jackie Mason: Today's Sit-in Stand-up Ingrahamic Shut-in

2006-12-27T09:21:00.000-05:00

Don't miss Jackie Mason today as Laura Ingraham's relieving comic as he does what Laura's best at, splenic venting, while hyperventing through a litany of leftist characters presented who say "...da most disgusting(wheez), viol tings about our(wheez) great President Boosh.(wheez) And that their behavior(wheez) is abombindable and obscene."

And, Jackie, don't forget filthy and disgusting, once again. While you're at it, why not add subhuman, rats and like vermin. But, that's soon to follow. It should complete your circle quite nicely, Jack.

Of course, all are invited to become one of Laura's 365 members where you can download into your I-Pid and listen to Jackie wheezing and whizzing at an invalid clip . Sign up today! Jackie's needs 'Depends' on your listenership.

Shut up and gag, Jack.

Merry Resurrection-based Belief-system Birthing Season!

2006-12-24T19:07:00.000-05:00

...and to all two and one-half readers of Abe Linkum, a good night along with a Happy Neo-orbital Annual Metric!

Cirque de Critique: Act V, Pirates of Christmas

2006-12-23T22:43:00.000-05:00

Ho! Ho! Ho! ...and a bottle o' rum; and nog. Pirate Al the Kiddies Pal is takin' over this act as Cir de Cri's ringmaster in a stab at hijacking all of Grinch's holiday laurels.

Lights. Ballast. Action! Cir de Cri's the big tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them! If you'd like to submit your critical posts in future edition, please do so right below:

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. To be a ringmaster, contact The Hippo right here and ask to do so.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.

All-for-Free

Since we fired our talent scout last week, production needed to fill this scene, so Abe Linkum presents Abusing Churchill, where Abe lets Hugh Hewitt know that invaders and occupiers can't be appeasers.

For-All-Free

Public house diplomacy doesn't look to be enough to save the River Ribble. The debate over the river's future is heating up, especially concerning a particular "consultation" by developers which concluded that Ribble dwellers should be dammed and shut up. And, and that a huge housing development in the Ribble's floodplain will ultimately proceed, with drainage running rampantly to flood out areas not previously considered by the 'consultants'.

Follow all the action as headwaters dry out and waters corrupt as
Riversider presents Riversway Riverworks Consultation - Ignoring the Questions That Most Concern Residents posted at Save The Ribble!.

Free-for-All

True to Cir de Cri's vaunted free-for-all category, Hakim Abdullah mixes it up with right-winged idealogues at Notes & Dialogue on Family and Liberty posted at Wa Salaam. It's here that Mr. Abdullah makes a poignant observation that social exclusivity, in high fashion among right-wingers as evidenced by the cocoonish home-schooling trend (mine), creeps toward a tendency to distort the meaning of 'liberty' and 'justice', bastardizing these words to "recklessness" and "revenge", respectively.

As the lights dim on another act of Cir de Cri, we thank all who have participated. See everyone next time.

Jingo Man: Cracker-barrel Politics Edition

2006-12-23T13:54:00.000-05:00

That's the spirit, Jingo Man! I thought I saw you with Virgil Goode and Robin Hayes the other day, uptown at the corner bench, gnoshin' on a batch of those Macacawitz Kosher Crackers. Sic Temper Ignoramus -- you big, fat Virginny ham!

'Ohio Young Democrats' Claim Cafaro "Earned" Big Seat!

2006-12-20T20:42:00.000-05:00

The Ohio Young Democrats obviously swig similar ades as the College Republicans swill, with the difference of berry or cherry, since, according to a DNC National Committeewoman, Capri Cafaro "earned" her seat in Ohio's statehouse of ill-repute where she'll soon set up parlor to greet incoming customers.

Bush to Bus Battalions from Biergarten to Baghdad

2006-12-20T17:00:00.000-05:00

So much for NATO. George Bush has again decided to act alone, futher isolating his administration from the American people and past allies, in a futile attempt to extricate the sling from his ass with at least one last Iraqi surge lasting anywhere from three months to three decades. All of this just to retire him with a victory tour similar to last week's fairyland White House send-off for his buddy-in-arm-in-arms, Rumsfeld The Dodderer.

To surge enough to smooth his basest base of theomilitarians and right-winged evangelicals, Bush'll have to gather enough surge material from somewhere. That somewhere? Germany.

Germany's the perfect place to shuffle troops from since we haven't any more friends in that region -- just ask the Poles, one of our closest, quickly exiting 'coalition partners' in Iraq. Heck, who needs Europe when Bush has the most robust U.S. generals that his narrow ideology provides for his dictates.

By using troops from Germany for the so-called surge, Bush can immediately attenuate his army's supply lines and leave it even more strung out than before. This move would finally prove Bush's inherent lack of strategic command, both of his army and as the supposed leader of the free world. This would also suitably fit his style as a non-supplier.

Luckily, Bush's surge is only a temporary matter -- a stop-gap, if you will -- before he finds 70,000 more dupes to serve him.

Ohio Attorney General to Open Kiosk Next to Victoria's Secret

2006-12-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

via The Tribune Chronicle

Knowing who's the boss, Ohio AG-elect Marc Dann looks like he may form a regional outreach of sorts by renting Youngstown retail space to set up commissions closer to gaudy lingerie outlets.

Daddy Cafaro 'Unsupportive' of Capri in Family's Business

2006-12-16T22:43:00.000-05:00

via Vindy.com

The county commissioners of Trumbull County, Ohio -- who apparently are bought by Big Daddy Cafaro, a Youngstown, Ohio multi-zillion dollar concrete mixer -- have announced that Capri Cafaro, who was briefly between multiple attempts at carpetbagging, "resigned" her commission as member -- no doubt prominent -- of the county's Seniors Citizens Advisory Council.

What happened to good-ole-fashioned nepotism, Big Daddy? Why must you thrust your mediocre offspring toward the public trough to suck off of it even though your wad's big enough to support her by yourself? Or is it just an offshoot of your business as usual? Then again, if Trumbullonians-- this time including Capri -- are too stupid to realize that things are a little slow at your county's "seniors citizens" hall, then congratulations, y'all deserve it all.

Abe Linkum's Quote of the Week, #3

2006-12-15T09:30:00.000-05:00

Abraham Lincoln, as a congressman and speaking on James Polk's invasion of Mexico:

"I more than suspect already that he is deeply concious of being in the wrong; that he feels the blood of this war, like the blood of Abel, is crying to heaven against him; that originally having some strong motive...to involve the two countries in a war, and trusting to escape scrutiny by fixing the public gaze upon the exceeding brightness of military glory...he plunged into it and has swept on and on, till, disappointed in his calculation...he now finds himself he knows not where....His mind, tasked beyond its power, is running hither and thither, like some tortured creature on a burning surface, finding no position on which it can settle down and be at ease....He is a bewildered, confounded, and miserably perplexed man. God grant he may be able to show there is not something about his conscience more painful than all his mental perplexity!"

Iraq 'Double Down': Bush's 'Battle of the Bulge'?

2006-12-14T09:52:00.000-05:00

It certainly looks to be the case. Golly, me-oh-my! We can't wait for you to 'surge the mission' just one more time before you again pull back to ring-up a Green Zone Goetterdaemmerung with Laura Ingraham playing the part of Fraulein Hanna Reitsch, Mr. President.

Pat Tillman: U.S. Military Dhimmi?

2006-12-13T19:26:00.000-05:00

It's becoming more and more apparent that Mr. Tillman and his aggrieved family have reached a level of dhimmitude, or underclass, in the U.S. by performing the ultimate sacrifice in the service of their country while not having the correct religious orientation.

Bush's newly formed military brass? A bunch of Christopunks!

cc: Andrew Sullivan

Abusing Churchill

2006-12-13T19:07:00.000-05:00

One of America's leading jingoists and right wing talk show host for SRN/Townhall.com, Hugh Hewitt, is in all of his misread historical finery this Christmas season of peace as he shills for more of Bush's Iraqi slaughter fest with a weak attempt at comparing the Iraq Study Group's report with the appeasement stance of the Allies prior to Germany's invasion of Poland. Hewitt calls the Baker Commission's report "the appeasement report" and claims that by taking up its recommendations, the spectre of Neville Chamberlain will forever hang over D.C.

Hewitt, who's quickly classing himself into the elites of American right wing gangster intellectualism, unfortunately utilizes backward facts in his quest to reach out to his jingoistic listenership, an audience that's keenly tuned and inured to his monotonic, militaristic drumbeat. So, let's take a peak at Hewitt's highly diffracted view of world history and how he relates it to the Middle East.

At the time of the Munich Conference in 1938, Hitler hadn't invaded any territory with force of arms. The Rhineland 'reoccupation' in 1936 was pulled off without shots being fired. At present, the United States has been the occupier of Iraq for over three years, with many shots fired before the supposed "appeasement" stance of the Baker Commission. It's difficult to conclude that an occupier can magically turn appeaser, Mr. Hewitt.

Hitler's military-industrial war machine was going full steam by 1938, and with it, was taking a threatening posture toward its neighbors to the east along the Danzig Corridor and the Sudetenland. In 2006, not only has Bush threatened non-neighbors, but has wrought full-scale war against them based on trumped-up intelligence that fit his purpose. Only this time the threatened aren't looking to appease Mr. Bush too soon even though they don't have the military-industrial machine that Bush currently implements against them without avail. Sorry Hughie, you're wrong on this point too.

However, there's one similarity of today's situation in the Middle East compared with Eastern Europe prior to Poland's invasion by Germany. That is, Germany's use of plebiscites in Austria and the Sudetenland to set up rump roasting governments. My guess is that Iraq's government is nigh charred at this point, with appeasements to Bush by those people nary impossible at this juncture.

Hey Hewitt, the attacker can't be the appeaser, ya pencil-necked blockhead.

First Haggard, Now Barnes. When Phelps?

2006-12-13T09:54:00.000-05:00

Given all of the Sunday outings for America's growing membership of anti-gay 'pastors of notoriety' turned gay, when will nanochurch leader Fred Phelps finally come to terms that he's the biggest faggot of them all?

Accused Serial Kid Killer Tagged as 'Very Religious'

2006-12-12T20:36:00.000-05:00

This particular piece of offal will soon look to get on his knees once again this Christmas to see if The Baby Jesus approves of his testimony. Too bad Michigan doesn't have the death penalty since it would satisfy to see him bend at knee before the chopping block.

Christmas Anthology of Right-winged Authors: Three for a Buck!

2006-12-10T19:56:00.000-05:00

Get 'em for what they're worth during this season of humbleness! Find out all of the humiliations they dish out to others as they go for the big cash during this retail holiday hullabaloo!

Talkin' in Tongues: A Primer From 'Abe's Sunday Chats'

2006-12-10T18:41:00.000-05:00

True to Abe's early pedagogic experience at the school of blab, Abe Linkum proudly presents his first catechismal attempt at unveiling the glosso-charismatic phenomena emanating today from megachurches off of select megahighway interchanges. By taking this short blab course, you will gain some degree of understanding these uniglottarians as they babble their way to salvation. Join us, would you?

Now, loudly repeat the instructed phrases in sequence, over and over, as your answer:

'Shylock-alock-alock-alock-alock. Shylock-alock-alock.'
'Shimi-di-dy-ah, shimi-day. Shamalama din-din, shamalama lay.'
'Shibboleth and I don't care..., my master's gone away!'
'Sha-na-na-na. Hey master, goodbye. Na-na-na-na-na-na.'
'Son-alot-a-bitchin, de-bitch's-back, alock.'
'She-bat, she-bat, a-lang, a-lang, a-lang.'
'Dub-a-dub-a, dub-a-doo-doo, dub-a doo-dah day.'

Repeat.

Stay tuned on any given Sunday where our next pentacostalic primer may get posted.

Cirque de Critique: Act IV

2006-12-10T00:44:00.000-05:00

... and throw that Iraq Study Report in with the other wads for The Human Ballistic Cannon Ball shot! Stat! Lights, ballast, action!

Laden and gentry, Act IV of Cir de Cri starts now!

Cir de Cri is the big tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. We're looking for ringmasters to host future editions, so contact The Hippo right here to run the circus. And more importantly, submit your critical posts to Cir de Cri on the icon right below:

Cir de Cri has three categories for your submissions: All-for-Free, For-All-Free and the vaunted Free-for-All!

All-for-Free

Taking the 'Doge-matic', amoral approach in an attempt to solve the Iraq disaster is Obadiah Shoher who sends Danny Simkin to present to Cir de Cri fans: Samson Blinded - A Machiavellian Perspective on the Middle East Conflict. Ending the civil war creates the Shiite axis posted at Samson Blinded.

Mr. Shoher asks those looking to be shorn of any bit of humanity left in them: "Who cares" about "4,000" Iraqis "killed" last November? (Being a man of numbers, I'll lowball Shoher's minimalist corporal mien up to around 12,205 -- give or take eleven-hundred.) He also claims that "the slaughter is not the US's business" and Iraq must be "punished accordingly", past, present and future, for not making more of it for "US".

Shoher's floury view of the "current situation" in Iraq takes florid form when he sees "benefits" arising from civil war since more "lives and money" would be lost and violence could reach a higher "Muslim standard", with Baghdad becoming 'a bane magnet'.

In leaving, Shoher gives the reader a funny aside about some US soldier not worth it -- whatever "it" means. I think I'll poke out Shoher's other two eyeballs. Nyuck! Nyuck!

(P.S. -- Don't miss Samson's sidebar featuring a blog called The Republican Attack Squad where the authors wear silly masks to hide in and their mission statement is: 'The reason "they" hate us.' I am not making this up! These cats get consigned to Cirque's Freak Show.)

For-All-Free

As always fitting, in our center ring is Ion Zwitter, Managing Editor of Avant News, presenting 3rd Iraq Study Group Report Calls for Iterative Izations posted at Avant News. Here, Mr. Zwitter demonstrates the recurrent loopiness that happens when today's statesmen sit down to document their next path to permatize war's permutations so they can continue its, and their, relevancy for decades to come.

I can't wait.

Free-for-All

In Cirque's vaunted Free-for-All, Dr Kavokin presents Insurance Expert Discusses Health Care Crisis. Sort of. posted at RDoctor Medical Portal.

I sort of wonder if I need health insurance to cover the Russian eye-chart exam since Dr. Kavokin writes: "Iâ€™ve long maintained that employer-based health insurance is, in a word, stupid. Thereâ€™s only one overarching benefit to group insurance at this time: guaranteed issue of coverage (coupled with portability)(so I guess thatâ€™s two benefits, sorry)."

Don't be sorry, be happy! There used to be portable guaranteed life insurance in some pension plans, too. So, does financial health equate with the physical? And, is there still future opportunities in corner apple stands?

As our curtain drops quickly, thanks to all for your participation.

John Cox: Our Next President or James Stockdale Wannabe?

2006-12-07T17:59:00.000-05:00

A man with instant name recognition and Chicago businessman, John Cox, may be the man to save the conservative wing of the GOP by his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. However, if you're thinking of voting for him in '08, you may also be voting for his alter ego, aka Mr. Skippy.

It seems Mr. Cox has a habit of talking to his third person when discussing policy issues on his narrow election trail. His character(s) could be the tonic Americans are looking for to liven up the campaign as was the case in the 1992 election featuring Ross Perot's running mate, James Stockdale, who was famous for saying: "Who am I? Why am I here?" during the vice presidential debates.

Hensarling to Head 'Splitting' Committee for GOP

2006-12-07T09:29:00.000-05:00

As a follow-up to this week's Texas showdown not featuring the Baker/Bush branding of the over-cooked rump roast served up to the American public, the Republican Study Committee, renamed "a splitting committee" by this journal and a conservative group of some fossilized remains of the GOP, has selected Jeb Hensarling over Todd Tiarht as their leader. It's of note to know that some in Texas regard Hensarling as "a tangler" and that a few right-winged bloggers back him.

Gay Rabbis to Perform Circumcisions!

2006-12-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

Will these priests of prepuces be quick with the act or diddle around a bit?

Quit Reading My Blog!

2006-12-06T20:55:00.000-05:00

Leave it to Hoots to discover the interesting angles. He came across a fellow from Cairo who declared: "When I started this blog, I never really thought anyone would read it. I was surprised and dismayed to find people did. Now I'm really dismayed."

The chap's long face comes from narrow bandwidth and the price of any extra in Egyptian currency when one hits it out of the blogoshpere from getting too many. Hoots, thanks for the heads-up even though the probabilities of this problem occuring with Abe is one with many zeros preceding the telling number.

Abe Visits Carnival of Ohio Politics

2006-12-06T20:25:00.000-05:00

Guns are a blazin' this week over Ohio's concealed carry showdown in Columbus at Paul Miller's Carnival of Ohio Politics #51. Duck and cover as you enter!

Military Brass Requesting Iraqi 'Re-do'

2006-12-05T19:22:00.000-05:00

Featured on today's Laura Ingraham Show, an amplitudinally modulated recruiting organ for the Republican armed forces, was Lt. Col. Steve Russell of Vets for Victory. Col. Russell -- who claims his family members have fought in every U.S. war since independence, quickly conjuring images of Lieutenant Dan of Bubba Gump Shrimp fame and how that relates to the type of battlefield injuries those commanded have endured during the Iraq conflict -- is requesting what amounts to a re-do, or military mulligan, if you will.

Now, Col. Russell's a decorated vet and must be due his honor just as we do with those in our family and community who have also served as valorously. However, and by luck that Col. Russell's newly retired even though he claimed on today's show that he enjoys the adventure of war, we as citizens would need to remind him that the military wing of the government is still under civilian control and that he would have to stand down.

Sorry, no repeats or make-ups on this one, Colonel.

Best of Amazon Political Book Reviews by Jon Swift

2006-12-05T00:07:00.000-05:00

Don't miss this year's best reviews of last year's worst Amazonian political pablum by blogdom's leading non-reader of such, John Swift, at Jon Swift's Complete Amazon Reviews.

GOP 'Study Group' Stuck on Name Change

2006-12-04T23:45:00.000-05:00

Destined to lose more mightily, if not grandly, in '08 than in '06 due to their rock-headed, acompromatic inherencies developed by years of knocking heads in fights to outright even their own, the Republican Study Committee (RSC) is split between two stoneskulls for their future leadership and will decide this Wednesday which fossil's most dense for their metamorphic purposes. They will also try to decide if they should keep the word 'Study' in their name or change it to 'Splitting', keeping the 'RSC' intact, to more clearly reflect the current political scene.

Stay tuned on Wednesday for their group's rendering.

Iraqi Pulls Up Sock in Attempt to Hide Bush Chestnuts

2006-12-03T19:36:00.000-05:00

Talk about your hotfoot! In a fast move to take the shotgunner's seat away from Cheney for the strategically-challenged George Bush, and at Americans who are willing to go for the ride, fallen elite neocon enabler and Fox News fill-in, Charles Krauthammer, claims that realism is for sissies and we must not take the "new" realistic view to "...go 'regional', engaging Iran and Syria in order to have them pull our chestnuts out of the fire" in some wussified vision of bidding diplomacy over continued war for a better chance of long-term stability. And, that Americans must 'Stay Our Neoconic Curse' at all costs until they permanently run us through and out of D.C.

Better stability than disability.

Likewise, Don Rumsfeld, architect of this season's biggest saga -- Anarchy On Every Arab Street -- and elite chestnut farmer himself, is taking his spot just ahead of the shotgunner, Krauthammer, by back-dating some memos to the N.Y. Times to demonstrate that he knows all the angles of the laundry business. The only problem is that all the socks come out shrunken and no one is able to pull them up high enough to hold all of your chestnuts, gentlemen.

Ohio U. Says 'Nay' to Ney Nameplate, K Street Renamed

2006-12-03T00:22:00.000-05:00

In an honorable jesture given by leftist university loons in pot smoking Athens County, Ohio -- that is, if you believe that your only source of news must be from AM talk radio just for purity's sake -- Ohio University's scraping the facade off of their PhysEd building, nee The Bob Ney PhysEd & Health Bldg, and restyling it as The OU PhysEd & Health Bldg or something similar. Ney seems to like the idea and votes 'yea'.

K Street likes it too since its denizens can temporarily pose as repentent of past ways and means to again take advantage of the peculiar short-term memory and long-term capacity, of the people and by the lobbyists, for flim-flammery and near-future filches to come. God bless America.

And may God bless K Street by its renaming as Ney Street. OU will have the old signs in storage and the taxed needn't front the $3.7 million reprint.

Evangel Asks Question. Act Seen as Breakthrough!

2006-12-02T08:57:00.000-05:00

A breakthrough? Look at what happened with Rev. Joel Hunter when he asked two questions to the 'Christian Coalition'.

The Christian Coalition: "Where our flat earth becomes linear."

Sour Jocks: Round 5

2006-12-01T18:34:00.000-05:00

Ding! Ding! Ding! Another round of Sour Jocks starts out with flurries!

Sour Jocks Sports Carnival takes your posts on miscreantic millionaires, steroid-induced wife-beaters, fathers punching out Little League umpires -- and the like. If you'd like to enter your posts on these punks in future editions of Sour Jocks, please do so immediately below:

Sour Jocks is always looking for hosts, too. To become one, wake up The Hippo and contact him right here where he'll set you up for you to knock them down!

Sour Jocks has three categories for your submissions: Sandlot, amateur and professional.

Sandlot

Abe's going to start off with a hometown boy out of Michigan and one of Cleveland's great sandlot professionals getting the big bucks, Braylon Edwards, Cleveland Browns wide-out and right-out-of-hands-and-into-opponents' playuh. Braylon's so damn good at dropping passes, especially in the end-zone, that he has time to diss teammates and play hard nose with them instead of those faced on the scrimmage line.

This overpaid, rookie jerk went face-to-face -- but behind back in the media -- with Browns safety Brian Russell, accusing him of hitting Cincinnati receiver Chad Johnson too hard. Oh, boo hoo! You wouldn't want to mess up those nice clean pants after you shit them, would ya Braylon? Go get another manicure, doofuss.

Amateur

Andrew Sasinowski presents Mid-American Baseball League posted at Eastern Baseball League, saying, "Fictional Baseball Fun!"

I'll admit it's fun looking back at the 1900 Mid-American League season to reminisce on the great ones, Leopoldo and Hernandez, right after they came over as scouts for Gen. Pershing. And who could forget the grudge games between Manhattan and Savannah?

Professional

Here, Mr. Hunter has the idea of what Sour Jocks is about. Starling David Hunter presents End It Like Beckham at a fine weblog called The Business of America is Business.

Mr. Hunter provides Sour Jocks fans a good analysis of Major League Soccer's new "competition" strategy, its marketing implications and a foretell of things to come -- with 'minor' stealing a victory over 'Major'.

That's all for now. Thanks to all for participating in blogdom's most angled look at the sporting world, Sour Jocks. Don't miss Round 6. No ticket stub required!

Stanky Exudate Increases from Cafaro's Ohio Senate Seat!

2006-11-30T00:17:00.000-05:00

Citizen voters of Ohio's 32nd senatorial district, how well do you feel represented today as you wake up to the fact that Ohio's Democratic leaders installed -- just for you, Marc Dann and her daddy's sake -- the biggest Ohio carpetbagging hussy that hasn't even had the experience of crossing either the Mississippi or Mason-Dixon Line? (Except for the brief flyover to Stanford.)

Twenty-nine year old Capri Cafaro, progeny of a bad concrete mix, has finally found her very temporary home as an Ohio state senator in a district that draws no distinction in her memory that's just beginning to mature -- for only her P.O. box resides in it. Prior to her 'appointment', 'Capa', as she will soon be made di tutti sweet, already was handed sound defeats at the polls twice in a quick span of two years and the much longer distance of three separate election districts! The deluxe model of carpetbag carried by Capa looks capable of taking such rigorous statewide travel. No Samsonite for her class.

However, her long-term chances don't look so sturdy -- regardless of how much money daddy doles out in an attempt to set her pampered ass on seats of power -- since she has trended steadily downward on her political path from the start. Given that she's so young, one could start scoring those fathoms:

After working as a D.C. senate staffer gophering Starbucks, Capa moved from daddy's lap in Mahoning County and rented her first P.O. box in Lake County so she could get pummeled by Steve Latourette in her 2004 general election bid for the 109th District. From there, Capa aimed west and more lowly, renting another P.O. box somewhere in Lorain County in order to lose in the Democratic primary to Betty Sutton -- who thankfully won and went on to defeat the Republican challenger in the 13th district just a few weeks ago.

Now, and apparently cemented as one could be coming from such a bad batch, Capa has turned east and taken yet another P.O. box -- this one in Ashtabula County and right off its pier -- from which to lose her new found state appointment representing the fine people of Ohio's 32nd district at her term's end.

From there she will lose and lose again at the polls. With this cycle, Capa may soon look southwest at the Killbuck Building Inspector's post -- that is if daddy can get her 'appointed'. The statewide hauling of the carpetbags? Watch out for her developing big ass from the heavy lifting! And all the P.O. boxes? You would think daddy could spring for more permanent housing for his little 'Capa', being in the concrete business and all.

Cirque de Critique: Act III

2006-11-26T11:25:00.000-05:00

Lights, ballast, action! Act III of Cir. de Cri. starts now!

Cir. de Cri. is the big tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to host a future edition, contact The Hippo right here. You can also submit your critical posts to Cir. de Cri. on the icon right below:

Cir. de Cri. has three categories for your submissions: All-for-Free, For-All-Free and the vaunted Free-for-All!

All-for-Free

Ion Zwitter, Managing Editor of Avant News, certainly isn't all wet in reporting that Bush's doctrine of 'shock and awe' applied to the recent mid-term elections as well as Iraq. Mr. Zwitter, presenting Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in 2006 House, Senate Midterm Elections, effectively demonstrates that repeats in history keep skipping back to the loo if one doesn't know the record.

Free-for-All

In the vaunted Free-for-All, Mr. Zwitter shows his stance is one of positive neutrality in Top GOP Losers Reconsider Suicide PAC posted at Avant News. It's here where you'll find the fratricidal fantasies of the right-wing along with those that encourage it. Maybe we can ship the deadbeats COD to Amsterdam since the U.S. doesn't have any more cash at hand.

Speaking of cash and considering those who are olecranonly challenged, how about $25,000 for a hip replacement in the U.S? But if you take Borat's advice and go to Kazakhstan, it'll only cost $10,000 according to Aleksandr Kavokin, MD, PhD who presents Hip fractures posted at RDoctor Medical Portal, saying, "about hip fractures and prevention".

Dr. Kavokin asks those worried about osteoporosis: "Do you get enough calcium?" Being physiatrically inclined, my question would be: Do you perform any weight-bearing exercises to convert all that calcium intake into bone? If not, how much does it cost to perform the lithotripsy or kidney replacement?

Thanks to all for participating in Act III of Cir. de Cri. See everyone in Act IV.

Freeze Your Ass Off With David!

2006-11-25T13:01:00.000-05:00

Over the river and through the woods to Grandma's hut was not an option this Thanksgiving with David Ruth. Join Mr. Ruth and his gang of geographers at Palmer Station, Antarctica to enjoy the winter pleasure of watching some hemispheric ice melt!

...and stay tuned to see who wins Al Gore's Ice Bergian Blow-out Scenic Cruise!

Spinalize Yourself and Straighten Up!

2006-11-25T11:58:00.000-05:00

Here is an excellent exercise for balance, posture and spatial awareness that I developed as a physical therapist while working with a difficult case of a young man coming back from cerebellar meningioma. Let us say he had many hurdles to overcome.

This exercise was quantum for his rehabilitation since his gross motor function and posture improved after its first application via the integration of certain spinal nerves called propriospinal interneurons with motor centers in "the little brain" and beyond. But enough of that for now, unless you want to get into it more at 'Comments'.

By its nature, the exercise has good crossover to all and provides these benefits:

* Better balance, spatial awareness and posture as above.
* A good overall stretch and strengthening tool.
* Helps maintain the spine by applying appropriate tensions to it, its discs and connective tissues -- strengthening all.
* Helps nourish intervertebral discs; you know, the ones that blow, by setting up pressure differences in fluids. But enough of that as well.
* It's easy to do.
* Good for all ages.
* Plus more!

Here's how you do it (read below) -

While standing or sitting:

1. Rotate your head one way.
2. Rotate your torso the other way. (Reaching with the arms is an additive.)
3. Rotate your hips the head's way.
4. Repeat 1, 2, and 3, going smoothly to the other side.

That's it! You'll start to develop a rhythm and able to do all three rotations at once.

Pops and creaks don't matter if they don't hurt. You know your limits. Meet them slowly at first, then take it one further.

Jesus' Whore and Her Two Pimps

2006-11-23T10:11:00.000-05:00

"Blessed be the Lord who daily loads us with benefits." (Psalm 68:19)

... and for the small fee of only $68.19 each month, 'prosperity minister' and 'church' offerings whore, Paula White, gladly accepts cash, which she describes as "seed" money -- ceding from you to her -- so she and christian pimp broadcasters Trinity and Daystar Networks can lay their hands on it to provide the mustard for their mansion's cupboards. You, the offerer, get dust from excavations of their new constructions.

Paula, while waiting to get wet with some guy named "John".

They call her 'Dr. Paula'. Paula has the moxie to request from the flocked $68.19/month to the cent, apparently for personal transcendentals such as two new closets for her high heels and handbags. Paula's trailer trash and has a PhD in flim-flam from The Calvary School of Pharisaicology. She easily plies her street-walking sense of personal pecuniary salvation by luring and taking for the fullest what are either desperate, greedy, stupid or desperately greedy and stupid people hoping and praying for financial manna by ceding the $68.19/month toward her heavenly rewards instead of their own IRAs.

Her presentation is all very dramatic and sexy as one would expect. She sashays into the parlor's studio providing just 270 odd phones to call in and fulfill Psalm $68.19's new seediness, with the "us" in that tune being them. Then, Paula runs a tele-tally of phones still available to help lead the soon-to-be shorn toward her rapture. Her siren moves in inverse crescendo to the changing numbers on the screen, culminating with the final score: Phones left for salvation, zero, callers coughing up credit, 270. This tacky trick serves as her bastardly altar call altered into a call for the offering instead of ministry.

The ministered and serviced? They get her grubby hands laid onto a pile of papers representing the expected manna grab, and a solicitation for more to come. A stele-ing of her girders, if you will.

From this side of reason, it all looks like a mix of phone sex and phylactories. Get me Jesus on the line, for Christ sake!

Image of Dobson Stigmatized In Hemorrhoid Mattress Stain!

2006-11-22T10:02:00.000-05:00

This story is developing quickly as church elders frantically focus on finding similar relics to sell parishionally -- and is the first in Abe's new series called Oh So Bad Headlines.

Blair Balks, Bond Bombs, Bush Blocks Report

2006-11-20T00:22:00.000-05:00

Since Blair has balked and Bush blocks reports to all allies, all the time and especially close ones like Blair now that the last is no more -- just for Bush Republican punk purposes -- post-colonialism gets boxed at the office and shipped to Bollywood in James Bond Does Dehli and Retires.

Abe Linkum's Quote of the Week, #2

2006-11-16T19:25:00.000-05:00

Abraham Lincoln responding to the ultra-Republican Carl Schurz after taking a thumpin' in the 1862 mid-term elections:

"I understand you now to be willing to accept the help of men who are not Republicans, provided they have 'heart in it'. Agreed, I want no others. But who is to be the judge of hearts, or of 'heart in it'? If I must discard my own judgement and take yours, I must also take that of others; and by the time I should reject all I should be advised to reject, I should have none left, Republicans or others -- not even yourself. For be assured, my dear sir, there are men who have 'heart in it' that think you are performing your part as poorly as you think I am performing mine.... I wish to disparage no one, certainly not those who sympathize with me; but I must say I need success more than I need sympathy, and that I have not seen the so much greater evidence of getting success from my sympathizers than from those who are denounced as the contrary."

Jingo Man: 'Neo-medieval Hohenzollern House of Rumsfeld' Edition

2006-11-16T18:42:00.000-05:00

Golly gee whiz, Jingo Man! Do you mean that we need no more or less of our troops than we already have in Iraq? And, in perpetua?

'Robust Nuance': The New GOP Playbook

2006-11-13T21:54:00.000-05:00

Josh Bolten, sidekick for the Bush/Cheney ventriloquism act, was on ABC's This Week last week explaining the GOP strategy for limiting success both here and abroad. Bolton, with a more pursed-lipped approach than the side-of-mouth technique of his string pullers, continued the persistent babel one would expect from a crew that's attempting to salvage a sinking presidency in a bid to regain a dialogue, in any direction, by a "robust" and "nuanced" approach.

By bringing in this new 'robust nuance' era, the Bush team believes they can scramble enough to pick up their sticks after splintering mightily mid-term -- with the split being the casting away of perceived evils like moderate Republicans by the hard, self-righteous right that's represented by such propaganda sprites as SRN/Townhall.com and multi-megadollar churches who's altar calls have become the call for the offering instead of ministry. (Could this be a peculiarly Republican means of worship?)

Bush and Cheney's thinking, mouthed by Bolten, is that by hopefully being once again thought of as "robust", they can somehow be reborn on their right. And by trying to give the impression that they're "nuanced" by using the word in speech, they will be seen so by fed-up moderates.

Thus 'robust nuance'.

Is Ken Blackwell a DNC Operative?

2006-11-12T21:24:00.000-05:00

Ion Zwitter's insightful political reporting of Bush's mid-term mauling, a big scoop that has Bush on the record declaring "Mission Accomplished" in '06, jogged a recent idea that Ken 'I was never in the race so how could I be a Dark Horse' Blackwell, Ohio So-and-So Ran, has to be a Democratic operative. This must be his key to accomplishing such party lock down.

Not only did Blackwell lose by 23 points in a go away fashion, but he was fast in swinging his wrecking ball at what was soon to be a condemned state property -- The Ohio State GOP. With such party devastation, the only explanation is that Blackwell's a saboteur for the DNC.

Or, Ken made his own house divided. Ohioans thank him. Now go away, Ken.

GOP Now PAP for 'Passive-Aggressive Party'

2006-11-11T21:31:00.000-05:00

Today's GOP needs to change its acronym to PAP. A grand old party it isn't anymore, with passive-aggressives in charge of a romper room that in their mind substitutes as a war room.

When in action, the main attribute of passive-aggressives is that they won't display their rage openly. They're the type who will try clandestinely to trip the object of their wrath with a quick sneak of a toe instead of square, face-to-face means. Now, mix this new GOP personality disorder with their old one, narcissism, and you get the arrogance that drove them to defeat both here and abroad.

And now to exhibit the brat babies, along with their acts both big and small, that tripped themselves last Tuesday. It's the same spoiled infants who were constantly lecturing everyone that it was they who were the only adults in the discussion:

Laura Ingraham and her audience. They jammed a free voter protection line in a last-ditch attempt at vandalism before scurrying out the side exit. Their free calls made sense for all of her cheap-assed listeners. Laura Ingraham -- unadulterated nastiness.

Ken "I'm holier than all except Rod Parsley" Blackwell. Ken and his flock obviously have some sexual demons running through their big heads since he felt urged to imply that Ohio Governor-elect Strickland was supportive of child molestation. Could there be a more sick crew than that bunch of bible-thumpin' freaks? Grow up and stop wanting to put your hands down your pants!

Robocall by Mehlman. Devoid of any winning strategy, Ken Mehlman opted for operational stupidity by hiring robots instead of humans to run the GOP phone line, with the result that humans where found smarter than the GOP robots employed -- to the amazement of the GOP. However, there are always exceptions to the rule with some GOP machines getting a good oiling.

GOP contributors get screwed again. That is, screwed to the tune of $3 million defending Jim Tobin, GOP felon, punk and former regional director of the RNC. Tobin, an archetypal architect of Mehlman's crank call tactical system, at least had the pleasure of serving in one of our federal prisons. So, not only did GOP backers get their money's worth in Tobin, so did the American taxpayer.

Oreo lover Michael Steele and his fill-in, Bob Ehrlich. Steele -- an unsurprisingly appropriate candidate for head GOP hood -- along with Laura Ingraham's colleague, Bill Bennett, once more resurrected their decades old hallucination of a Dem Oreo toss that fictionally honored Steele's commitment to society's disadvantaged. I guess Mikey liked the imagined gesture because his visions of the event keep popping up -- with prompting from the propagandist Bennett and buds at Salem Radio/Townhall.com.

With Ehrlich, Steele continued his outreach to the disadvantaged by busing unsuspecting Philly homeless people to Maryland so they could pass out polling place handouts that tried to dupe Maryland voters into thinking Steele and Ehrlich were Democrats. Desperate pigs? Yes!

Of course, these are the small, childish acts of subordinates. The big ones that truly hurt Americans were reserved for our lame duck president. Let's see: The sneaky Dubai ports deal. The backdoor into Iraq. The stopping of ears ala Mad TV's Lancome Lady when faced with Iraq war intelligence estimates or anything scientific in nature. Or, the general disregard and contempt the administration showed to the other side of the aisle throughout its tantrumed tenure.

What's peculiarly interesting about these antics is that they arise from the born-agains -- that far right-winged, supposedly charismatic conservative crowd of apparently nasty people. When will the born-agains grow up.

GOP Holds Breath. Turns Blue. Gains Bearings?

2006-11-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

Could it be that the GOP needs to turn a literal shade of blue before any chance of seeing their stars rising again in '08? Will they suffocate, reappropriate the color blue as their own, or get more red by free-basing on the religious right?

Get an early glimpse of their realignment and see what symptoms break out at NZ's blog.

Abe Linkum's Quotes of the Week, #1

2006-11-09T16:14:00.000-05:00

Chicago minister to Abraham Lincoln: "What you have said to us, Mr. President, compels me to say to you in reply, that it is a message to you from our Divine Master, through me, commanding you, sir, to open the doors of bondage that the slave may be free."

Lincoln to minister: "That may be, sir, for I have studied this question by night and by day, for weeks and for months. But if it is as you say, a message from your Divine Master, is it not odd that the only channel he could send it by was the roundabout route by way of that awful wicked city of Chicago?"

*******

Lincoln, to a Quaker woman with similar visions: "I have neither the time nor disposition to enter into a discussion with the Friend, and end this occasion by suggesting for her consideration the question whether, if it be true that the Lord has appointed me to do the work she has indicated, it is not probable he would have communicated knowledge of the fact to me as well as to her?"

Harriet Miers Finds "Gainful Employment"

2006-11-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

After Bush's smashing mid-term defeat and following a grimaced press conference where he was seen swallowing a large, morning-after pill prescribed by the American public after being screwed too hard and long by his administration, Harriet Miers, Bush's extra-special counsel, is now declared as "gainfully employed" by all typical D.C. concerns.

Jingo Man: 'Dick Cheney Outdoors' Edition

2006-11-06T20:02:00.000-05:00

It's possible, Jingo Man. Cheney's a bigger pig than you. He may even be the biggest pig on the planet. If there's a larger one out there, Abe would like to know.

Illegal Alien Arrested in Cleveland

2006-11-04T16:14:00.000-05:00

Overlooking the lax oversight of our borders and taking matters into their own hands at the local level, Cleveland law enforcement officials have made their first illegal alien arrest -- apparently the first among many to follow.

This new twist in retro-migratory practice was developing as this author entered the local corner store last night to buy a six-pack of preferred IPA. A commotion was already in progess with the subduel of the illegal taking place just seconds before by the muftied, off-duty Sgt. Terry, CPD, who was present buying Lotto before the illegal was recognized.

According to other witnesses at the scene, once identified, the illegal made numerous attempts at escape but was finally cornered and sequestered by the use of styrofoam -- of all things! Fortunately, a camera was present which caught a full profile of the trapped offender:

A gecko! Obviously not one of those Ohio geckos so abundant in this relatively northern clime, but one of Mediterranean origin -- possibly arriving with the shipment of spumante. After further inquiry, it was noted that the little guy pictured above was the third such specimen to illegally enter the store in as many weeks.

In the end, we found that Sgt. Terry's handcuffs proved too large -- allowing the perp to slip to a friend's safehouse.

What Ted Haggard May Have Been Searching For

2006-11-04T11:08:00.000-05:00

Don't know if it's true, but it's out there in a George Bush Google blog search.

Bush's 'Common Sense' Makes Clausewitz Cringe

2006-11-03T18:06:00.000-05:00

George Bush, along with those close to him, has made a career of stating his 'common sense' approach in dealing with the chaos in Iraq. His sense is that we need to "stay the course" even as that road becomes demolished and full of IED craters that lead our armed forces into the immobile, aflexible position they now find themselves.

Carl von Clausewitz, the great military theorist, had some strong words for commanders that use their ideas of 'common sense' to justify failed military theory and its practice in the field. Bush's failed theory and its subsequent practice by Donald Rumsfeld is seen by Clausewitz as defying common sense in that military theory "needs intelligent treatment to make it conform to action, and to end the absurd difference between theory and practice that unreasonable theories have so often evoked. That difference, which defies common sense, has often been used as a pretext by limited and ignorant minds to justify their congenital incompetence." (On War, Book Two, Chapter Two)

Abe couldn't have said it better.

Gilded Ceiling for Gold?

2006-11-03T14:56:00.000-05:00

Whitehorse, Yukon -

Gold hit the proverbial gilded ceiling today with a big buy that won't continue. Sluicy Sue of The Yukon Panhandlers Association cried moose tears as she gave her elegy to the soon-to-be burrowing bullion:

Gilded ceiling that tumbles and crumbles
Now my wallet's packed full of jumbles
Ashes to ashes, falling in time
My gold! My gold!
Co-factor for enzymes!

Wash Day in Whitehorse

The Answer to George Bush's Eye-plank Growth Problem

2006-11-03T10:13:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, Abe Linkum presented a problem for readers to solve that calculates the growth rate of the plank in George Bush's eye as the religious right closes in on Ground Zero. Since nobody came up with the correct answer, no one receives the autographed picture of Abe.

Here is the answer key along with the original schematic --

Using the Pythagorean Theorem and differentiating with respect to time:

w^2 + p^2 = b^2 = 400
2w(dw/dt) + 2p(dp/dt) = 0
w(dw/dt) + p(dp/dt) = 0

Now, solve for 'dp/dt' given that dw/dt = -30 ft/s, w = 1 and p = sq.root of 399 by the Pythagorean Theorem:

1(-30) + (sq.root of 399)(dp/dt) = 0

So, dp/dt = 30/(sq.root of 399) or approximately 1.5 ft/s. That means that the plank in George Bush's eye is growing at this rate when the religious right is 1 ft. away from George Bush's vision.

Megachuch Pastor: Haggard in Sexual Morass!

2006-11-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

Here we are once again with the focus on the family, set by sanctimonious religious leaders demanding that everyone bend to their vision of godliness, being just a bit off. This time it's mega-monsterchurch, evangelical, refracted pastor Ted Haggard of New Life Church based in Colorado Springs, CO -- the Mecca of American evangels.

Pastor Ted is accused of carrying an affair with a gay prostitute. Classy! The pastor has issued the obligatory statement of denial.

Jingo Man: 'Stacking the Military' Edition

2006-11-02T12:08:00.000-05:00

Sour Jocks - Round 4

2006-11-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Round 4 of Sour Jocks Sports Carnival. Sour Jocks is a blog carnival that takes swings at whining millionaires, pumped up wife-beaters on steroids, fathers shooting Little League umpires -- and the like.

If you'd like to enter your posts or even host future editions of Sour Jocks, then click right below:

First up at bat is Surfer Sam who presents Football Jokes and Football Quotes Part 1. Fans, coaches and players are funny. Although not in phase with the spirit of Sour Jocks, our hope is that Sam's phasic on the waves.

Since submissions to Sour Jocks are low this time, Abe's going to throw out a few quick-hitters for all fans of Sour Jocks --

Texas Tech's basketball guru, Bobby Knight, is going to be throwing more chairs across shiny gym floors after hearing his leading scorer can't score on his academics and will pine back home about the good old days riding bench in Knight's doghouse.

Texas Tech's AD will pine about the good old days when his college football players didn't ransack people's apartments for i-Pods and computers. A great day for Texas Tech athletics!

Track "coach" and snitch, Trevor Graham, gets his just dues in the dopey BALCO case.

And, one of Sour Jocks' favorites, Ron Artest, debuts this week on NBA courts. More importantly, and to preserve his thug image, Ron debuts his newest rap CD! A must hear for all gangstaphiles!

As the fighters go back to their corners, so goes another round of Sour Jocks. See everyone next time.

Technorati tags:

sour jocks, blog carnival.

Mid-level Army Brass Lose Iraqi Spelling Bee

2006-11-01T17:19:00.000-05:00

Maybe John Kerry was right. Look at the atrocious spelling this band of mid-level Army brass came up with.

GOP Outrage Revival Meeting: Salvage or Salvation?

2006-11-01T15:28:00.000-05:00

The giant GOP outrage mill is once again cranking at high revs following John Kerry's call-up for an army of one. But, hark! What is that clanking sound heard in the mill's mechanism?

Abe's Quote of the Day

2006-11-01T11:21:00.000-05:00

"I never suspected there was music in such a thing as that."

-Abraham Lincoln, in response to an Ohio admirer who presented him a whistle made from a pig's ear as Lincoln travelled from Springfield, Ill. to Washington, D.C. for his first term.

Calculate the Growth Rate of George Bush's Eye-plank!

2006-10-31T15:16:00.000-05:00

Question -- A telescoping plank that's currently 15 ft. high is buried in George Bush's eye at Ground Zero. It's supported by a 20 ft. brace that's being pushed at its base by the religious right toward Ground Zero at a rate of 30 ft/sec:

How fast is the plank growing when the religious right gets within 1 ft. of Bush's eye?

The first person who answers correctly receives an autographed picture of Abe Linkum via e-mail! Check in at Abe Linkum this Friday to view the key to this problem's exciting answer!