Wednesday, December 27, 2006


When Embryos Get to Heaven

Since Scripture promises a forever heavenly stint for "...he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven"(Matt 7:21) and for those who "...change and become like little children..."(Matt 18:3), it's obvious that, as the littlest children, embryos sacrificed at the altar of science would be the first taken and last forsaken. The others chosen -- most undoubtedly all grown up and sporting shiny, ungnashed teeth -- shall run into a mess of human embryonic spirits, or souls, if you will, during one's bright eternity with blessed human kin.

Initially rejoicing in reunes with these tiny seraphs, a realization of the scene might smite one's being in the moment. To prepare for such baptisms of brethrenal blasticity, one should ask a few questions before the ever after.

Do embryonic souls still look embryonic, or do they just grow up quickly by reaching the firmament?

What language would these critters speak? Do they speak in some universal tongue? Since embryos haven't yet developed a tongue, how do they speak it? Is it by some sort of Vulcan mind-meld or trans-ectodermic induction?

Similarly, can these morular mobs see you -- you know, as one of the 'saints' -- as well as you can see them?

Are the self-anointing oils that are used so extensively due to the brilliance of heaven's inhabitants as effective on the embryos' cherubic tissues? Or, are the sins of their flesh immediately washed away in a bloodbath?

If they have yet to develop ears, do they appreciate lyrical music?

Are cherubim older siblings of theirs, or evil step-relations?

Do embryos automatically go into the "born-again" class of Christian?

Again regarding sainthood: Do they immediately become one of the saints or do they need to develop more in order to self-anoint themselves?

Do they develop in vitro or in ethero?

These are just a few questions to bolster the spirits.

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Jackie Mason: Today's Sit-in Stand-up Ingrahamic Shut-in

Don't miss Jackie Mason today as Laura Ingraham's relieving comic as he does what Laura's best at, splenic venting, while hyperventing through a litany of leftist characters presented who say "...da most disgusting(wheez), viol tings about our(wheez) great President Boosh.(wheez) And that their behavior(wheez) is abombindable and obscene."

And, Jackie, don't forget filthy and disgusting, once again. While you're at it, why not add subhuman, rats and like vermin. But, that's soon to follow. It should complete your circle quite nicely, Jack.

Of course, all are invited to become one of Laura's 365 members where you can download into your I-Pid and listen to Jackie wheezing and whizzing at an invalid clip . Sign up today! Jackie's needs 'Depends' on your listenership.

Shut up and gag, Jack.

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Sunday, December 24, 2006


Merry Resurrection-based Belief-system Birthing Season!

...and to all two and one-half readers of Abe Linkum, a good night along with a Happy Neo-orbital Annual Metric!


Saturday, December 23, 2006


Cirque de Critique: Act V, Pirates of Christmas

Ho! Ho! Ho! ...and a bottle o' rum; and nog. Pirate Al the Kiddies Pal is takin' over this act as Cir de Cri's ringmaster in a stab at hijacking all of Grinch's holiday laurels.

Lights. Ballast. Action! Cir de Cri's the big tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them! If you'd like to submit your critical posts in future edition, please do so right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - cirque de critique

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. To be a ringmaster, contact The Hippo right here and ask to do so.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.


Since we fired our talent scout last week, production needed to fill this scene, so Abe Linkum presents Abusing Churchill, where Abe lets Hugh Hewitt know that invaders and occupiers can't be appeasers.


Public house diplomacy doesn't look to be enough to save the River Ribble. The debate over the river's future is heating up, especially concerning a particular "consultation" by developers which concluded that Ribble dwellers should be dammed and shut up. And, and that a huge housing development in the Ribble's floodplain will ultimately proceed, with drainage running rampantly to flood out areas not previously considered by the 'consultants'.

Follow all the action as headwaters dry out and waters corrupt as
Riversider presents Riversway Riverworks Consultation - Ignoring the Questions That Most Concern Residents posted at Save The Ribble!.


True to Cir de Cri's vaunted free-for-all category, Hakim Abdullah mixes it up with right-winged idealogues at Notes & Dialogue on Family and Liberty posted at Wa Salaam. It's here that Mr. Abdullah makes a poignant observation that social exclusivity, in high fashion among right-wingers as evidenced by the cocoonish home-schooling trend (mine), creeps toward a tendency to distort the meaning of 'liberty' and 'justice', bastardizing these words to "recklessness" and "revenge", respectively.

As the lights dim on another act of Cir de Cri, we thank all who have participated. See everyone next time.

Blog Carnival archive - cirque de critique

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Jingo Man: Cracker-barrel Politics Edition

That's the spirit, Jingo Man! I thought I saw you with Virgil Goode and Robin Hayes the other day, uptown at the corner bench, gnoshin' on a batch of those Macacawitz Kosher Crackers. Sic Temper Ignoramus -- you big, fat Virginny ham!

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006


'Ohio Young Democrats' Claim Cafaro "Earned" Big Seat!

The Ohio Young Democrats obviously swig similar ades as the College Republicans swill, with the difference of berry or cherry, since, according to a DNC National Committeewoman, Capri Cafaro "earned" her seat in Ohio's statehouse of ill-repute where she'll soon set up parlor to greet incoming customers.

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Bush to Bus Battalions from Biergarten to Baghdad

So much for NATO. George Bush has again decided to act alone, futher isolating his administration from the American people and past allies, in a futile attempt to extricate the sling from his ass with at least one last Iraqi surge lasting anywhere from three months to three decades. All of this just to retire him with a victory tour similar to last week's fairyland White House send-off for his buddy-in-arm-in-arms, Rumsfeld The Dodderer.

To surge enough to smooth his basest base of theomilitarians and right-winged evangelicals, Bush'll have to gather enough surge material from somewhere. That somewhere? Germany.

Germany's the perfect place to shuffle troops from since we haven't any more friends in that region -- just ask the Poles, one of our closest, quickly exiting 'coalition partners' in Iraq. Heck, who needs Europe when Bush has the most robust U.S. generals that his narrow ideology provides for his dictates.

By using troops from Germany for the so-called surge, Bush can immediately attenuate his army's supply lines and leave it even more strung out than before. This move would finally prove Bush's inherent lack of strategic command, both of his army and as the supposed leader of the free world. This would also suitably fit his style as a non-supplier.

Luckily, Bush's surge is only a temporary matter -- a stop-gap, if you will -- before he finds 70,000 more dupes to serve him.

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006


Ohio Attorney General to Open Kiosk Next to Victoria's Secret

via The Tribune Chronicle

Knowing who's the boss, Ohio AG-elect Marc Dann looks like he may form a regional outreach of sorts by renting Youngstown retail space to set up commissions closer to gaudy lingerie outlets.

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Saturday, December 16, 2006


Daddy Cafaro 'Unsupportive' of Capri in Family's Business


The county commissioners of Trumbull County, Ohio -- who apparently are bought by Big Daddy Cafaro, a Youngstown, Ohio multi-zillion dollar concrete mixer -- have announced that Capri Cafaro, who was briefly between multiple attempts at carpetbagging, "resigned" her commission as member -- no doubt prominent -- of the county's Seniors Citizens Advisory Council.

What happened to good-ole-fashioned nepotism, Big Daddy? Why must you thrust your mediocre offspring toward the public trough to suck off of it even though your wad's big enough to support her by yourself? Or is it just an offshoot of your business as usual? Then again, if Trumbullonians-- this time including Capri -- are too stupid to realize that things are a little slow at your county's "seniors citizens" hall, then congratulations, y'all deserve it all.

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Friday, December 15, 2006


Abe Linkum's Quote of the Week, #3

Abraham Lincoln, as a congressman and speaking on James Polk's invasion of Mexico:

"I more than suspect already that he is deeply concious of being in the wrong; that he feels the blood of this war, like the blood of Abel, is crying to heaven against him; that originally having some strong involve the two countries in a war, and trusting to escape scrutiny by fixing the public gaze upon the exceeding brightness of military glory...he plunged into it and has swept on and on, till, disappointed in his calculation...he now finds himself he knows not where....His mind, tasked beyond its power, is running hither and thither, like some tortured creature on a burning surface, finding no position on which it can settle down and be at ease....He is a bewildered, confounded, and miserably perplexed man. God grant he may be able to show there is not something about his conscience more painful than all his mental perplexity!"

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Thursday, December 14, 2006


Iraq 'Double Down': Bush's 'Battle of the Bulge'?

It certainly looks to be the case. Golly, me-oh-my! We can't wait for you to 'surge the mission' just one more time before you again pull back to ring-up a Green Zone Goetterdaemmerung with Laura Ingraham playing the part of Fraulein Hanna Reitsch, Mr. President.

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006


Pat Tillman: U.S. Military Dhimmi?

It's becoming more and more apparent that Mr. Tillman and his aggrieved family have reached a level of dhimmitude, or underclass, in the U.S. by performing the ultimate sacrifice in the service of their country while not having the correct religious orientation.

Bush's newly formed military brass? A bunch of Christopunks!

cc: Andrew Sullivan



Abusing Churchill

One of America's leading jingoists and right wing talk show host for SRN/, Hugh Hewitt, is in all of his misread historical finery this Christmas season of peace as he shills for more of Bush's Iraqi slaughter fest with a weak attempt at comparing the Iraq Study Group's report with the appeasement stance of the Allies prior to Germany's invasion of Poland. Hewitt calls the Baker Commission's report "the appeasement report" and claims that by taking up its recommendations, the spectre of Neville Chamberlain will forever hang over D.C.

Hewitt, who's quickly classing himself into the elites of American right wing gangster intellectualism, unfortunately utilizes backward facts in his quest to reach out to his jingoistic listenership, an audience that's keenly tuned and inured to his monotonic, militaristic drumbeat. So, let's take a peak at Hewitt's highly diffracted view of world history and how he relates it to the Middle East.

At the time of the Munich Conference in 1938, Hitler hadn't invaded any territory with force of arms. The Rhineland 'reoccupation' in 1936 was pulled off without shots being fired. At present, the United States has been the occupier of Iraq for over three years, with many shots fired before the supposed "appeasement" stance of the Baker Commission. It's difficult to conclude that an occupier can magically turn appeaser, Mr. Hewitt.

Hitler's military-industrial war machine was going full steam by 1938, and with it, was taking a threatening posture toward its neighbors to the east along the Danzig Corridor and the Sudetenland. In 2006, not only has Bush threatened non-neighbors, but has wrought full-scale war against them based on trumped-up intelligence that fit his purpose. Only this time the threatened aren't looking to appease Mr. Bush too soon even though they don't have the military-industrial machine that Bush currently implements against them without avail. Sorry Hughie, you're wrong on this point too.

However, there's one similarity of today's situation in the Middle East compared with Eastern Europe prior to Poland's invasion by Germany. That is, Germany's use of plebiscites in Austria and the Sudetenland to set up rump roasting governments. My guess is that Iraq's government is nigh charred at this point, with appeasements to Bush by those people nary impossible at this juncture.

Hey Hewitt, the attacker can't be the appeaser, ya pencil-necked blockhead.

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First Haggard, Now Barnes. When Phelps?

Given all of the Sunday outings for America's growing membership of anti-gay 'pastors of notoriety' turned gay, when will nanochurch leader Fred Phelps finally come to terms that he's the biggest faggot of them all?


Tuesday, December 12, 2006


Accused Serial Kid Killer Tagged as 'Very Religious'

This particular piece of offal will soon look to get on his knees once again this Christmas to see if The Baby Jesus approves of his testimony. Too bad Michigan doesn't have the death penalty since it would satisfy to see him bend at knee before the chopping block.


Sunday, December 10, 2006


Christmas Anthology of Right-winged Authors: Three for a Buck!

Get 'em for what they're worth during this season of humbleness! Find out all of the humiliations they dish out to others as they go for the big cash during this retail holiday hullabaloo!

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Talkin' in Tongues: A Primer From 'Abe's Sunday Chats'

True to Abe's early pedagogic experience at the school of blab, Abe Linkum proudly presents his first catechismal attempt at unveiling the glosso-charismatic phenomena emanating today from megachurches off of select megahighway interchanges. By taking this short blab course, you will gain some degree of understanding these uniglottarians as they babble their way to salvation. Join us, would you?

Now, loudly repeat the instructed phrases in sequence, over and over, as your answer:

'Shylock-alock-alock-alock-alock. Shylock-alock-alock.'
'Shimi-di-dy-ah, shimi-day. Shamalama din-din, shamalama lay.'
'Shibboleth and I don't care..., my master's gone away!'
'Sha-na-na-na. Hey master, goodbye. Na-na-na-na-na-na.'
'Son-alot-a-bitchin, de-bitch's-back, alock.'
'She-bat, she-bat, a-lang, a-lang, a-lang.'
'Dub-a-dub-a, dub-a-doo-doo, dub-a doo-dah day.'


Stay tuned on any given Sunday where our next pentacostalic primer may get posted.

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Cirque de Critique: Act IV

... and throw that Iraq Study Report in with the other wads for The Human Ballistic Cannon Ball shot! Stat! Lights, ballast, action!

Laden and gentry, Act IV of Cir de Cri starts now!

Cir de Cri is the big tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. We're looking for ringmasters to host future editions, so contact The Hippo right here to run the circus. And more importantly, submit your critical posts to Cir de Cri on the icon right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - cirque de critique

Cir de Cri has three categories for your submissions: All-for-Free, For-All-Free and the vaunted Free-for-All!


Taking the 'Doge-matic', amoral approach in an attempt to solve the Iraq disaster is Obadiah Shoher who sends Danny Simkin to present to Cir de Cri fans: Samson Blinded - A Machiavellian Perspective on the Middle East Conflict. Ending the civil war creates the Shiite axis posted at Samson Blinded.

Mr. Shoher asks those looking to be shorn of any bit of humanity left in them: "Who cares" about "4,000" Iraqis "killed" last November? (Being a man of numbers, I'll lowball Shoher's minimalist corporal mien up to around 12,205 -- give or take eleven-hundred.) He also claims that "the slaughter is not the US's business" and Iraq must be "punished accordingly", past, present and future, for not making more of it for "US".

Shoher's floury view of the "current situation" in Iraq takes florid form when he sees "benefits" arising from civil war since more "lives and money" would be lost and violence could reach a higher "Muslim standard", with Baghdad becoming 'a bane magnet'.

In leaving, Shoher gives the reader a funny aside about some US soldier not worth it -- whatever "it" means. I think I'll poke out Shoher's other two eyeballs. Nyuck! Nyuck!

(P.S. -- Don't miss Samson's sidebar featuring a blog called The Republican Attack Squad where the authors wear silly masks to hide in and their mission statement is: 'The reason "they" hate us.' I am not making this up! These cats get consigned to Cirque's Freak Show.)


As always fitting, in our center ring is Ion Zwitter, Managing Editor of Avant News, presenting 3rd Iraq Study Group Report Calls for Iterative –Izations posted at Avant News. Here, Mr. Zwitter demonstrates the recurrent loopiness that happens when today's statesmen sit down to document their next path to permatize war's permutations so they can continue its, and their, relevancy for decades to come.

I can't wait.


In Cirque's vaunted Free-for-All, Dr Kavokin presents Insurance Expert Discusses Health Care Crisis. Sort of. posted at RDoctor Medical Portal.

I sort of wonder if I need health insurance to cover the Russian eye-chart exam since Dr. Kavokin writes: "I’ve long maintained that employer-based health insurance is, in a word, stupid. There’s only one overarching benefit to group insurance at this time: guaranteed issue of coverage (coupled with portability)(so I guess that’s two benefits, sorry)."

Don't be sorry, be happy! There used to be portable guaranteed life insurance in some pension plans, too. So, does financial health equate with the physical? And, is there still future opportunities in corner apple stands?

As our curtain drops quickly, thanks to all for your participation.

Blog Carnival archive - cirque de critique

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Thursday, December 07, 2006


John Cox: Our Next President or James Stockdale Wannabe?

A man with instant name recognition and Chicago businessman, John Cox, may be the man to save the conservative wing of the GOP by his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. However, if you're thinking of voting for him in '08, you may also be voting for his alter ego, aka Mr. Skippy.

It seems Mr. Cox has a habit of talking to his third person when discussing policy issues on his narrow election trail. His character(s) could be the tonic Americans are looking for to liven up the campaign as was the case in the 1992 election featuring Ross Perot's running mate, James Stockdale, who was famous for saying: "Who am I? Why am I here?" during the vice presidential debates.

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Hensarling to Head 'Splitting' Committee for GOP

As a follow-up to this week's Texas showdown not featuring the Baker/Bush branding of the over-cooked rump roast served up to the American public, the Republican Study Committee, renamed "a splitting committee" by this journal and a conservative group of some fossilized remains of the GOP, has selected Jeb Hensarling over Todd Tiarht as their leader. It's of note to know that some in Texas regard Hensarling as "a tangler" and that a few right-winged bloggers back him.

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Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Gay Rabbis to Perform Circumcisions!

Will these priests of prepuces be quick with the act or diddle around a bit?



Quit Reading My Blog!

Leave it to Hoots to discover the interesting angles. He came across a fellow from Cairo who declared: "When I started this blog, I never really thought anyone would read it. I was surprised and dismayed to find people did. Now I'm really dismayed."

The chap's long face comes from narrow bandwidth and the price of any extra in Egyptian currency when one hits it out of the blogoshpere from getting too many. Hoots, thanks for the heads-up even though the probabilities of this problem occuring with Abe is one with many zeros preceding the telling number.



Abe Visits Carnival of Ohio Politics

Guns are a blazin' this week over Ohio's concealed carry showdown in Columbus at Paul Miller's Carnival of Ohio Politics #51. Duck and cover as you enter!

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Tuesday, December 05, 2006


Military Brass Requesting Iraqi 'Re-do'

Featured on today's Laura Ingraham Show, an amplitudinally modulated recruiting organ for the Republican armed forces, was Lt. Col. Steve Russell of Vets for Victory. Col. Russell -- who claims his family members have fought in every U.S. war since independence, quickly conjuring images of Lieutenant Dan of Bubba Gump Shrimp fame and how that relates to the type of battlefield injuries those commanded have endured during the Iraq conflict -- is requesting what amounts to a re-do, or military mulligan, if you will.

Now, Col. Russell's a decorated vet and must be due his honor just as we do with those in our family and community who have also served as valorously. However, and by luck that Col. Russell's newly retired even though he claimed on today's show that he enjoys the adventure of war, we as citizens would need to remind him that the military wing of the government is still under civilian control and that he would have to stand down.

Sorry, no repeats or make-ups on this one, Colonel.

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Best of Amazon Political Book Reviews by Jon Swift

Don't miss this year's best reviews of last year's worst Amazonian political pablum by blogdom's leading non-reader of such, John Swift, at Jon Swift's Complete Amazon Reviews.


Monday, December 04, 2006


GOP 'Study Group' Stuck on Name Change

Destined to lose more mightily, if not grandly, in '08 than in '06 due to their rock-headed, acompromatic inherencies developed by years of knocking heads in fights to outright even their own, the Republican Study Committee (RSC) is split between two stoneskulls for their future leadership and will decide this Wednesday which fossil's most dense for their metamorphic purposes. They will also try to decide if they should keep the word 'Study' in their name or change it to 'Splitting', keeping the 'RSC' intact, to more clearly reflect the current political scene.

Stay tuned on Wednesday for their group's rendering.

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Sunday, December 03, 2006


Iraqi Pulls Up Sock in Attempt to Hide Bush Chestnuts

Talk about your hotfoot! In a fast move to take the shotgunner's seat away from Cheney for the strategically-challenged George Bush, and at Americans who are willing to go for the ride, fallen elite neocon enabler and Fox News fill-in, Charles Krauthammer, claims that realism is for sissies and we must not take the "new" realistic view to "...go 'regional', engaging Iran and Syria in order to have them pull our chestnuts out of the fire" in some wussified vision of bidding diplomacy over continued war for a better chance of long-term stability. And, that Americans must 'Stay Our Neoconic Curse' at all costs until they permanently run us through and out of D.C.

Better stability than disability.

Likewise, Don Rumsfeld, architect of this season's biggest saga -- Anarchy On Every Arab Street -- and elite chestnut farmer himself, is taking his spot just ahead of the shotgunner, Krauthammer, by back-dating some memos to the N.Y. Times to demonstrate that he knows all the angles of the laundry business. The only problem is that all the socks come out shrunken and no one is able to pull them up high enough to hold all of your chestnuts, gentlemen.

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Ohio U. Says 'Nay' to Ney Nameplate, K Street Renamed

In an honorable jesture given by leftist university loons in pot smoking Athens County, Ohio -- that is, if you believe that your only source of news must be from AM talk radio just for purity's sake -- Ohio University's scraping the facade off of their PhysEd building, nee The Bob Ney PhysEd & Health Bldg, and restyling it as The OU PhysEd & Health Bldg or something similar. Ney seems to like the idea and votes 'yea'.

K Street likes it too since its denizens can temporarily pose as repentent of past ways and means to again take advantage of the peculiar short-term memory and long-term capacity, of the people and by the lobbyists, for flim-flammery and near-future filches to come. God bless America.

And may God bless K Street by its renaming as Ney Street. OU will have the old signs in storage and the taxed needn't front the $3.7 million reprint.

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Saturday, December 02, 2006


Evangel Asks Question. Act Seen as Breakthrough!

A breakthrough? Look at what happened with Rev. Joel Hunter when he asked two questions to the 'Christian Coalition'.

The Christian Coalition: "Where our flat earth becomes linear."

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Friday, December 01, 2006


Sour Jocks: Round 5

Ding! Ding! Ding! Another round of Sour Jocks starts out with flurries!

Sour Jocks Sports Carnival takes your posts on miscreantic millionaires, steroid-induced wife-beaters, fathers punching out Little League umpires -- and the like. If you'd like to enter your posts on these punks in future editions of Sour Jocks, please do so immediately below:

Blog Carnival submission form - sour jocks

Sour Jocks is always looking for hosts, too. To become one, wake up The Hippo and contact him right here where he'll set you up for you to knock them down!

Sour Jocks has three categories for your submissions: Sandlot, amateur and professional.


Abe's going to start off with a hometown boy out of Michigan and one of Cleveland's great sandlot professionals getting the big bucks, Braylon Edwards, Cleveland Browns wide-out and right-out-of-hands-and-into-opponents' playuh. Braylon's so damn good at dropping passes, especially in the end-zone, that he has time to diss teammates and play hard nose with them instead of those faced on the scrimmage line.

This overpaid, rookie jerk went face-to-face -- but behind back in the media -- with Browns safety Brian Russell, accusing him of hitting Cincinnati receiver Chad Johnson too hard. Oh, boo hoo! You wouldn't want to mess up those nice clean pants after you shit them, would ya Braylon? Go get another manicure, doofuss.


Andrew Sasinowski presents Mid-American Baseball League posted at Eastern Baseball League, saying, "Fictional Baseball Fun!"

I'll admit it's fun looking back at the 1900 Mid-American League season to reminisce on the great ones, Leopoldo and Hernandez, right after they came over as scouts for Gen. Pershing. And who could forget the grudge games between Manhattan and Savannah?


Here, Mr. Hunter has the idea of what Sour Jocks is about. Starling David Hunter presents End It Like Beckham at a fine weblog called The Business of America is Business.

Mr. Hunter provides Sour Jocks fans a good analysis of Major League Soccer's new "competition" strategy, its marketing implications and a foretell of things to come -- with 'minor' stealing a victory over 'Major'.

That's all for now. Thanks to all for participating in blogdom's most angled look at the sporting world, Sour Jocks. Don't miss Round 6. No ticket stub required!

Blog Carnival archive - sour jocks

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