Thursday, November 30, 2006


Stanky Exudate Increases from Cafaro's Ohio Senate Seat!

Citizen voters of Ohio's 32nd senatorial district, how well do you feel represented today as you wake up to the fact that Ohio's Democratic leaders installed -- just for you, Marc Dann and her daddy's sake -- the biggest Ohio carpetbagging hussy that hasn't even had the experience of crossing either the Mississippi or Mason-Dixon Line? (Except for the brief flyover to Stanford.)

Twenty-nine year old Capri Cafaro, progeny of a bad concrete mix, has finally found her very temporary home as an Ohio state senator in a district that draws no distinction in her memory that's just beginning to mature -- for only her P.O. box resides in it. Prior to her 'appointment', 'Capa', as she will soon be made di tutti sweet, already was handed sound defeats at the polls twice in a quick span of two years and the much longer distance of three separate election districts! The deluxe model of carpetbag carried by Capa looks capable of taking such rigorous statewide travel. No Samsonite for her class.

However, her long-term chances don't look so sturdy -- regardless of how much money daddy doles out in an attempt to set her pampered ass on seats of power -- since she has trended steadily downward on her political path from the start. Given that she's so young, one could start scoring those fathoms:

After working as a D.C. senate staffer gophering Starbucks, Capa moved from daddy's lap in Mahoning County and rented her first P.O. box in Lake County so she could get pummeled by Steve Latourette in her 2004 general election bid for the 109th District. From there, Capa aimed west and more lowly, renting another P.O. box somewhere in Lorain County in order to lose in the Democratic primary to Betty Sutton -- who thankfully won and went on to defeat the Republican challenger in the 13th district just a few weeks ago.

Now, and apparently cemented as one could be coming from such a bad batch, Capa has turned east and taken yet another P.O. box -- this one in Ashtabula County and right off its pier -- from which to lose her new found state appointment representing the fine people of Ohio's 32nd district at her term's end.

From there she will lose and lose again at the polls. With this cycle, Capa may soon look southwest at the Killbuck Building Inspector's post -- that is if daddy can get her 'appointed'. The statewide hauling of the carpetbags? Watch out for her developing big ass from the heavy lifting! And all the P.O. boxes? You would think daddy could spring for more permanent housing for his little 'Capa', being in the concrete business and all.

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Sunday, November 26, 2006


Cirque de Critique: Act III

Lights, ballast, action! Act III of Cir. de Cri. starts now!

Cir. de Cri. is the big tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to host a future edition, contact The Hippo right here. You can also submit your critical posts to Cir. de Cri. on the icon right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - cirque de critique

Cir. de Cri. has three categories for your submissions: All-for-Free, For-All-Free and the vaunted Free-for-All!


Ion Zwitter, Managing Editor of Avant News, certainly isn't all wet in reporting that Bush's doctrine of 'shock and awe' applied to the recent mid-term elections as well as Iraq. Mr. Zwitter, presenting Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in 2006 House, Senate Midterm Elections, effectively demonstrates that repeats in history keep skipping back to the loo if one doesn't know the record.


In the vaunted Free-for-All, Mr. Zwitter shows his stance is one of positive neutrality in Top GOP Losers Reconsider Suicide PAC posted at Avant News. It's here where you'll find the fratricidal fantasies of the right-wing along with those that encourage it. Maybe we can ship the deadbeats COD to Amsterdam since the U.S. doesn't have any more cash at hand.

Speaking of cash and considering those who are olecranonly challenged, how about $25,000 for a hip replacement in the U.S? But if you take Borat's advice and go to Kazakhstan, it'll only cost $10,000 according to Aleksandr Kavokin, MD, PhD who presents Hip fractures posted at RDoctor Medical Portal, saying, "about hip fractures and prevention".

Dr. Kavokin asks those worried about osteoporosis: "Do you get enough calcium?" Being physiatrically inclined, my question would be: Do you perform any weight-bearing exercises to convert all that calcium intake into bone? If not, how much does it cost to perform the lithotripsy or kidney replacement?

Thanks to all for participating in Act III of Cir. de Cri. See everyone in Act IV.

Blog Carnival archive - cirque de critique

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Saturday, November 25, 2006


Freeze Your Ass Off With David!

Over the river and through the woods to Grandma's hut was not an option this Thanksgiving with David Ruth. Join Mr. Ruth and his gang of geographers at Palmer Station, Antarctica to enjoy the winter pleasure of watching some hemispheric ice melt!

...and stay tuned to see who wins Al Gore's Ice Bergian Blow-out Scenic Cruise!

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Spinalize Yourself and Straighten Up!

Here is an excellent exercise for balance, posture and spatial awareness that I developed as a physical therapist while working with a difficult case of a young man coming back from cerebellar meningioma. Let us say he had many hurdles to overcome.

This exercise was quantum for his rehabilitation since his gross motor function and posture improved after its first application via the integration of certain spinal nerves called propriospinal interneurons with motor centers in "the little brain" and beyond. But enough of that for now, unless you want to get into it more at 'Comments'.

By its nature, the exercise has good crossover to all and provides these benefits:

* Better balance, spatial awareness and posture as above.
* A good overall stretch and strengthening tool.
* Helps maintain the spine by applying appropriate tensions to it, its discs and connective tissues -- strengthening all.
* Helps nourish intervertebral discs; you know, the ones that blow, by setting up pressure differences in fluids. But enough of that as well.
* It's easy to do.
* Good for all ages.
* Plus more!

Here's how you do it (read below) -

While standing or sitting:

1. Rotate your head one way.
2. Rotate your torso the other way. (Reaching with the arms is an additive.)
3. Rotate your hips the head's way.
4. Repeat 1, 2, and 3, going smoothly to the other side.

That's it! You'll start to develop a rhythm and able to do all three rotations at once.

Pops and creaks don't matter if they don't hurt. You know your limits. Meet them slowly at first, then take it one further.


Thursday, November 23, 2006


Jesus' Whore and Her Two Pimps

"Blessed be the Lord who daily loads us with benefits." (Psalm 68:19)

... and for the small fee of only $68.19 each month, 'prosperity minister' and 'church' offerings whore, Paula White, gladly accepts cash, which she describes as "seed" money -- ceding from you to her -- so she and christian pimp broadcasters Trinity and Daystar Networks can lay their hands on it to provide the mustard for their mansion's cupboards. You, the offerer, get dust from excavations of their new constructions.

Paula, while waiting to get wet with some guy named "John".

They call her 'Dr. Paula'. Paula has the moxie to request from the flocked $68.19/month to the cent, apparently for personal transcendentals such as two new closets for her high heels and handbags. Paula's trailer trash and has a PhD in flim-flam from The Calvary School of Pharisaicology. She easily plies her street-walking sense of personal pecuniary salvation by luring and taking for the fullest what are either desperate, greedy, stupid or desperately greedy and stupid people hoping and praying for financial manna by ceding the $68.19/month toward her heavenly rewards instead of their own IRAs.

Her presentation is all very dramatic and sexy as one would expect. She sashays into the parlor's studio providing just 270 odd phones to call in and fulfill Psalm $68.19's new seediness, with the "us" in that tune being them. Then, Paula runs a tele-tally of phones still available to help lead the soon-to-be shorn toward her rapture. Her siren moves in inverse crescendo to the changing numbers on the screen, culminating with the final score: Phones left for salvation, zero, callers coughing up credit, 270. This tacky trick serves as her bastardly altar call altered into a call for the offering instead of ministry.

The ministered and serviced? They get her grubby hands laid onto a pile of papers representing the expected manna grab, and a solicitation for more to come. A stele-ing of her girders, if you will.

From this side of reason, it all looks like a mix of phone sex and phylactories. Get me Jesus on the line, for Christ sake!

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Image of Dobson Stigmatized In Hemorrhoid Mattress Stain!

This story is developing quickly as church elders frantically focus on finding similar relics to sell parishionally -- and is the first in Abe's new series called Oh So Bad Headlines.


Monday, November 20, 2006


Blair Balks, Bond Bombs, Bush Blocks Report

Since Blair has balked and Bush blocks reports to all allies, all the time and especially close ones like Blair now that the last is no more -- just for Bush Republican punk purposes -- post-colonialism gets boxed at the office and shipped to Bollywood in James Bond Does Dehli and Retires.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006


Abe Linkum's Quote of the Week, #2

Abraham Lincoln responding to the ultra-Republican Carl Schurz after taking a thumpin' in the 1862 mid-term elections:

"I understand you now to be willing to accept the help of men who are not Republicans, provided they have 'heart in it'. Agreed, I want no others. But who is to be the judge of hearts, or of 'heart in it'? If I must discard my own judgement and take yours, I must also take that of others; and by the time I should reject all I should be advised to reject, I should have none left, Republicans or others -- not even yourself. For be assured, my dear sir, there are men who have 'heart in it' that think you are performing your part as poorly as you think I am performing mine.... I wish to disparage no one, certainly not those who sympathize with me; but I must say I need success more than I need sympathy, and that I have not seen the so much greater evidence of getting success from my sympathizers than from those who are denounced as the contrary."

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Jingo Man: 'Neo-medieval Hohenzollern House of Rumsfeld' Edition

Golly gee whiz, Jingo Man! Do you mean that we need no more or less of our troops than we already have in Iraq? And, in perpetua?

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Monday, November 13, 2006


'Robust Nuance': The New GOP Playbook

Josh Bolten, sidekick for the Bush/Cheney ventriloquism act, was on ABC's This Week last week explaining the GOP strategy for limiting success both here and abroad. Bolton, with a more pursed-lipped approach than the side-of-mouth technique of his string pullers, continued the persistent babel one would expect from a crew that's attempting to salvage a sinking presidency in a bid to regain a dialogue, in any direction, by a "robust" and "nuanced" approach.

By bringing in this new 'robust nuance' era, the Bush team believes they can scramble enough to pick up their sticks after splintering mightily mid-term -- with the split being the casting away of perceived evils like moderate Republicans by the hard, self-righteous right that's represented by such propaganda sprites as SRN/ and multi-megadollar churches who's altar calls have become the call for the offering instead of ministry. (Could this be a peculiarly Republican means of worship?)

Bush and Cheney's thinking, mouthed by Bolten, is that by hopefully being once again thought of as "robust", they can somehow be reborn on their right. And by trying to give the impression that they're "nuanced" by using the word in speech, they will be seen so by fed-up moderates.

Thus 'robust nuance'.

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Sunday, November 12, 2006


Is Ken Blackwell a DNC Operative?

Ion Zwitter's insightful political reporting of Bush's mid-term mauling, a big scoop that has Bush on the record declaring "Mission Accomplished" in '06, jogged a recent idea that Ken 'I was never in the race so how could I be a Dark Horse' Blackwell, Ohio So-and-So Ran, has to be a Democratic operative. This must be his key to accomplishing such party lock down.

Not only did Blackwell lose by 23 points in a go away fashion, but he was fast in swinging his wrecking ball at what was soon to be a condemned state property -- The Ohio State GOP. With such party devastation, the only explanation is that Blackwell's a saboteur for the DNC.

Or, Ken made his own house divided. Ohioans thank him. Now go away, Ken.

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Saturday, November 11, 2006


GOP Now PAP for 'Passive-Aggressive Party'

Today's GOP needs to change its acronym to PAP. A grand old party it isn't anymore, with passive-aggressives in charge of a romper room that in their mind substitutes as a war room.

When in action, the main attribute of passive-aggressives is that they won't display their rage openly. They're the type who will try clandestinely to trip the object of their wrath with a quick sneak of a toe instead of square, face-to-face means. Now, mix this new GOP personality disorder with their old one, narcissism, and you get the arrogance that drove them to defeat both here and abroad.

And now to exhibit the brat babies, along with their acts both big and small, that tripped themselves last Tuesday. It's the same spoiled infants who were constantly lecturing everyone that it was they who were the only adults in the discussion:

Laura Ingraham and her audience. They jammed a free voter protection line in a last-ditch attempt at vandalism before scurrying out the side exit. Their free calls made sense for all of her cheap-assed listeners. Laura Ingraham -- unadulterated nastiness.

Ken "I'm holier than all except Rod Parsley" Blackwell. Ken and his flock obviously have some sexual demons running through their big heads since he felt urged to imply that Ohio Governor-elect Strickland was supportive of child molestation. Could there be a more sick crew than that bunch of bible-thumpin' freaks? Grow up and stop wanting to put your hands down your pants!

Robocall by Mehlman. Devoid of any winning strategy, Ken Mehlman opted for operational stupidity by hiring robots instead of humans to run the GOP phone line, with the result that humans where found smarter than the GOP robots employed -- to the amazement of the GOP. However, there are always exceptions to the rule with some GOP machines getting a good oiling.

GOP contributors get screwed again. That is, screwed to the tune of $3 million defending Jim Tobin, GOP felon, punk and former regional director of the RNC. Tobin, an archetypal architect of Mehlman's crank call tactical system, at least had the pleasure of serving in one of our federal prisons. So, not only did GOP backers get their money's worth in Tobin, so did the American taxpayer.

Oreo lover Michael Steele and his fill-in, Bob Ehrlich. Steele -- an unsurprisingly appropriate candidate for head GOP hood -- along with Laura Ingraham's colleague, Bill Bennett, once more resurrected their decades old hallucination of a Dem Oreo toss that fictionally honored Steele's commitment to society's disadvantaged. I guess Mikey liked the imagined gesture because his visions of the event keep popping up -- with prompting from the propagandist Bennett and buds at Salem Radio/

With Ehrlich, Steele continued his outreach to the disadvantaged by busing unsuspecting Philly homeless people to Maryland so they could pass out polling place handouts that tried to dupe Maryland voters into thinking Steele and Ehrlich were Democrats. Desperate pigs? Yes!

Of course, these are the small, childish acts of subordinates. The big ones that truly hurt Americans were reserved for our lame duck president. Let's see: The sneaky Dubai ports deal. The backdoor into Iraq. The stopping of ears ala Mad TV's Lancome Lady when faced with Iraq war intelligence estimates or anything scientific in nature. Or, the general disregard and contempt the administration showed to the other side of the aisle throughout its tantrumed tenure.

What's peculiarly interesting about these antics is that they arise from the born-agains -- that far right-winged, supposedly charismatic conservative crowd of apparently nasty people. When will the born-agains grow up.

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Thursday, November 09, 2006


GOP Holds Breath. Turns Blue. Gains Bearings?

Could it be that the GOP needs to turn a literal shade of blue before any chance of seeing their stars rising again in '08? Will they suffocate, reappropriate the color blue as their own, or get more red by free-basing on the religious right?

Get an early glimpse of their realignment and see what symptoms break out at NZ's blog.

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Abe Linkum's Quotes of the Week, #1

Chicago minister to Abraham Lincoln: "What you have said to us, Mr. President, compels me to say to you in reply, that it is a message to you from our Divine Master, through me, commanding you, sir, to open the doors of bondage that the slave may be free."

Lincoln to minister: "That may be, sir, for I have studied this question by night and by day, for weeks and for months. But if it is as you say, a message from your Divine Master, is it not odd that the only channel he could send it by was the roundabout route by way of that awful wicked city of Chicago?"


Lincoln, to a Quaker woman with similar visions: "I have neither the time nor disposition to enter into a discussion with the Friend, and end this occasion by suggesting for her consideration the question whether, if it be true that the Lord has appointed me to do the work she has indicated, it is not probable he would have communicated knowledge of the fact to me as well as to her?"

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Harriet Miers Finds "Gainful Employment"

After Bush's smashing mid-term defeat and following a grimaced press conference where he was seen swallowing a large, morning-after pill prescribed by the American public after being screwed too hard and long by his administration, Harriet Miers, Bush's extra-special counsel, is now declared as "gainfully employed" by all typical D.C. concerns.

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Monday, November 06, 2006


Jingo Man: 'Dick Cheney Outdoors' Edition

It's possible, Jingo Man. Cheney's a bigger pig than you. He may even be the biggest pig on the planet. If there's a larger one out there, Abe would like to know.

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Saturday, November 04, 2006


Illegal Alien Arrested in Cleveland

Overlooking the lax oversight of our borders and taking matters into their own hands at the local level, Cleveland law enforcement officials have made their first illegal alien arrest -- apparently the first among many to follow.

This new twist in retro-migratory practice was developing as this author entered the local corner store last night to buy a six-pack of preferred IPA. A commotion was already in progess with the subduel of the illegal taking place just seconds before by the muftied, off-duty Sgt. Terry, CPD, who was present buying Lotto before the illegal was recognized.

According to other witnesses at the scene, once identified, the illegal made numerous attempts at escape but was finally cornered and sequestered by the use of styrofoam -- of all things! Fortunately, a camera was present which caught a full profile of the trapped offender:

A gecko! Obviously not one of those Ohio geckos so abundant in this relatively northern clime, but one of Mediterranean origin -- possibly arriving with the shipment of spumante. After further inquiry, it was noted that the little guy pictured above was the third such specimen to illegally enter the store in as many weeks.

In the end, we found that Sgt. Terry's handcuffs proved too large -- allowing the perp to slip to a friend's safehouse.

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What Ted Haggard May Have Been Searching For

Don't know if it's true, but it's out there in a George Bush Google blog search.

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Friday, November 03, 2006


Bush's 'Common Sense' Makes Clausewitz Cringe

George Bush, along with those close to him, has made a career of stating his 'common sense' approach in dealing with the chaos in Iraq. His sense is that we need to "stay the course" even as that road becomes demolished and full of IED craters that lead our armed forces into the immobile, aflexible position they now find themselves.

Carl von Clausewitz, the great military theorist, had some strong words for commanders that use their ideas of 'common sense' to justify failed military theory and its practice in the field. Bush's failed theory and its subsequent practice by Donald Rumsfeld is seen by Clausewitz as defying common sense in that military theory "needs intelligent treatment to make it conform to action, and to end the absurd difference between theory and practice that unreasonable theories have so often evoked. That difference, which defies common sense, has often been used as a pretext by limited and ignorant minds to justify their congenital incompetence." (On War, Book Two, Chapter Two)

Abe couldn't have said it better.

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Gilded Ceiling for Gold?

Whitehorse, Yukon -

Gold hit the proverbial gilded ceiling today with a big buy that won't continue. Sluicy Sue of The Yukon Panhandlers Association cried moose tears as she gave her elegy to the soon-to-be burrowing bullion:

Gilded ceiling that tumbles and crumbles
Now my wallet's packed full of jumbles
Ashes to ashes, falling in time
My gold! My gold!
Co-factor for enzymes!

Wash Day in Whitehorse

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The Answer to George Bush's Eye-plank Growth Problem

On Tuesday, Abe Linkum presented a problem for readers to solve that calculates the growth rate of the plank in George Bush's eye as the religious right closes in on Ground Zero. Since nobody came up with the correct answer, no one receives the autographed picture of Abe.

Here is the answer key along with the original schematic --

Using the Pythagorean Theorem and differentiating with respect to time:

w^2 + p^2 = b^2 = 400
2w(dw/dt) + 2p(dp/dt) = 0
w(dw/dt) + p(dp/dt) = 0

Now, solve for 'dp/dt' given that dw/dt = -30 ft/s, w = 1 and p = sq.root of 399 by the Pythagorean Theorem:

1(-30) + (sq.root of 399)(dp/dt) = 0

So, dp/dt = 30/(sq.root of 399) or approximately 1.5 ft/s. That means that the plank in George Bush's eye is growing at this rate when the religious right is 1 ft. away from George Bush's vision.

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Thursday, November 02, 2006


Megachuch Pastor: Haggard in Sexual Morass!

Here we are once again with the focus on the family, set by sanctimonious religious leaders demanding that everyone bend to their vision of godliness, being just a bit off. This time it's mega-monsterchurch, evangelical, refracted pastor Ted Haggard of New Life Church based in Colorado Springs, CO -- the Mecca of American evangels.

Pastor Ted is accused of carrying an affair with a gay prostitute. Classy! The pastor has issued the obligatory statement of denial.

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Jingo Man: 'Stacking the Military' Edition

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Sour Jocks - Round 4

Welcome to Round 4 of Sour Jocks Sports Carnival. Sour Jocks is a blog carnival that takes swings at whining millionaires, pumped up wife-beaters on steroids, fathers shooting Little League umpires -- and the like.

If you'd like to enter your posts or even host future editions of Sour Jocks, then click right below:

Blog Carnival submission form - sour jocks

First up at bat is Surfer Sam who presents Football Jokes and Football Quotes Part 1. Fans, coaches and players are funny. Although not in phase with the spirit of Sour Jocks, our hope is that Sam's phasic on the waves.

Since submissions to Sour Jocks are low this time, Abe's going to throw out a few quick-hitters for all fans of Sour Jocks --

Texas Tech's basketball guru, Bobby Knight, is going to be throwing more chairs across shiny gym floors after hearing his leading scorer can't score on his academics and will pine back home about the good old days riding bench in Knight's doghouse.

Texas Tech's AD will pine about the good old days when his college football players didn't ransack people's apartments for i-Pods and computers. A great day for Texas Tech athletics!

Track "coach" and snitch, Trevor Graham, gets his just dues in the dopey BALCO case.

And, one of Sour Jocks' favorites, Ron Artest, debuts this week on NBA courts. More importantly, and to preserve his thug image, Ron debuts his newest rap CD! A must hear for all gangstaphiles!

As the fighters go back to their corners, so goes another round of Sour Jocks. See everyone next time.

Blog Carnival archive - sour jocks

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Mid-level Army Brass Lose Iraqi Spelling Bee

Maybe John Kerry was right. Look at the atrocious spelling this band of mid-level Army brass came up with.

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GOP Outrage Revival Meeting: Salvage or Salvation?

The giant GOP outrage mill is once again cranking at high revs following John Kerry's call-up for an army of one. But, hark! What is that clanking sound heard in the mill's mechanism?

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Abe's Quote of the Day

"I never suspected there was music in such a thing as that."

-Abraham Lincoln, in response to an Ohio admirer who presented him a whistle made from a pig's ear as Lincoln travelled from Springfield, Ill. to Washington, D.C. for his first term.

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